Man Mistakes Drug Lingo For Literal Invitation to 'Hit the Mission Street Slopes'

Months of torrential storms across California may have left the Sierra ski areas with their best conditions in years, but one Mission man apparently cannot wait to make it to the mountains. As witnessed late Thursday night, some cigarette-smoking alpine aspirant performed a cross-country crawl down Mission Street’s bus lane, skiing several blocks along San Francisco’s longest road.

That’s right: it seems one man was hoping to carve Mission Street’s infamously shitty snow.

As recorded here by Greg Gettle (via Facebook) across from Mission Crater Lake at 22nd Street, the neighborhood’s future Olympian huffed and puffed his way down the pavement, waving to bemused spectators on the sidewalk. But as another tipsters tells us, the skier was seen earlier down 19th, meaning this man grinded his way slightly uphill for at least three blocks.

No word if he actually went “skiing.”

Trashbags for Douchebags

Sexist Dolores Park Delivery Startup Is Strangely Concerned With Dirty Asses

Dolores Park, a vast wilderness with absolutely no services within walking distance, finally is blessed with the amenities it has so long lacked. Dolores Delivery, a delivery startup catering to San Francisco’s many man-boys who cannot handle dirt on their girlfriend’s asses, recently launched with the promise of serving up “essentials” to the “coolest park in the world.”

What exactly are those “essentials”? Beer? Various drugs? Sunscreen? Random parrots? Surprisingly not. Instead, Dolores Delivery plans to constantly update and improve your Dolores Park experience” by selling inflatable lounge bags.

“Don’t let your girlfriend stain her white jeans,” the company’s website beacons. “We don’t know why she would wear them to a park where she has to sit on the grass, and we don’t ask. Just buy her a hangout bag and we will deliver it to you. Don’t let her be the only one leaving the park with grass stains on her white jeans.”

Admittedly, it’s hard to imagine a world in which anyone would buy something to sit on besides to preserve a pair of white jeans, but the copy remains sexist on multiple levels. Women are too stupid to wear appropriate clothing to parks? Guys shouldn’t be burdened with the mere presence of female dolobutt? Men must protect their short-sighted companions from the cruelties of nature? No thanks.

And yet? The company seems to be doing just fine. As this blogger witnessed last weekend, the company’s inventory was flying off the proverbial shelves with folks lining up to pay up to $50 for what amounts to a bunch of nylon.

Of course, this poses the question: does anyone even wear white jeans to the park? Dolores Delivery seems to be solving a problem that doesn’t exist, continuing the long-and-proud Silicon Valley tradition.

Cold Beer Hot Action

Someone Set Up A Bondage Swing in Dolores Park

The unusually warm weather wasn’t the only hot thing gracing Dolores Park this Valentine’s Day week. On Monday a shibari artist set up a metal stand and delighted parkgoers with a very San Francisco performance involving suspension and elaborate knot tying.

Not content to keep things on the tripod, another performer dangled from a nearby tree.


With Kink.com’s recent announcement that it would stop filming porn at the nearby Armory building, these two artists may have wanted to do their part to keep the Mission District kinky. Or, perhaps, they just felt like showing off and getting some sun in the process.

If Music Be The Food of Love, Ditch Valentine’s Day and go to a Show

It’s time to dig out your good chambray button up. Find the wingtip shoes you wore to your sister’s wedding last summer. Then, hit the streets and take pictures of your $200 dinner with your significant other. This is love. This is Valentine’s Day.

For those rejecting Valentine’s Day, or those couples who subscribe to Killer Mike’s views on what defines a “healthy relationship”, you can ditch the fancy dinner and catch a show. Here are your best bets:

Thundercat - The Independent

As a bassist and composer, Thundercat’s Stephen Bruner has worked with some of the greatest artists of the past 30 years from Kendrick Lamar, to Childish Gambino to Erykah Badu. As Thundercat, you’ll get a richer, funkier look into Stephen Bruner’s musical wizardry.

From the outset, it may seem Thundercat is joking around. His new album is called “Drunk”. He just united Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald on a slow jam called “Show You The Way.” Go to a show and you’ll see it’s all fun, but the musicianship is dead serious.

It is a goddamned Valentine’s Day miracle you have the opportunity to see Thundercat’s band comprised of Dennis Haam (keyboards) and Justin Brown (drums). To say they’re top level jazz players is like calling Shaq “pretty tall”—it’s not wrong, but it’s not a satisfying description.

Justin, Dennis and Stephen are otherworldly talents who have a mission to show you a good time and melt your face. Allow them to do this.

Buy tickets on Stubhub because the show is sold out. I did this last night. It was worth every penny.

Kevin Garrett - Rickshaw Stop

For those of you who would prefer not to return home covered in sweat after a show, Kevin Garrett is a good bet. As nearly every music critic has pointed out, he doesn’t quite fit into the “blue eyed soul” trope as much as he personifies it.

Kevin sounds like wildly talented 90s kid who grew up on a diet of James Blake and D’Angelo. He’ll stick to minimal arrangements, only to have his band kick in right when you were thinking the track was a simple ballad.

Tickets are online.

White Lies - The Chapel

If Interpol mated with Glasvegas, you’d get White Lies. Their sound calls back to quintessential 80s sad-boy rock, but has too much of a triumphant arena-rock streak to be regaled to that genre.

White Lies aren’t as big in the U.S. as they are in their native London. That’s your gain. These guys would typically be playing theaters or arenas, but they’re playing The Chapel. Go for 80s throwback synth melodies that transition into danceable Brit-indie rock.

Put on a Ben Sherman polo and grab your tickets here.

[Photo: The Independent]

Karl the Frog

Mission Street's Pop-Up Pond is Now Full of Frogs

The biblical storms which have soaked the Bay Area over the past few months may have finally turned apocalyptic. The Mission District—traditionally home to humans, pigeons, rats, and not a whole lot else—has a new neighborhood pet: frogs.

Mission Crater Lake, the pop-up pond that has sat on the corner of 22nd and Mission Streets since the fall, has been emitting a cacophony of croaking from its resident Kermits in recent days. As one tipster put it, the corner “sounded like a Florida swamp” on Tuesday night.

Last night, there was at least one gentrifrogger still making his presence known:

Our new amphibian neighbors are squatting at the site of three structure fires that left more than fifty predominantly low-income residents displaced and one dead. The previous building, which also housed Mission Market, Popeye’s Chicken, and several other businesses, was quickly torn down after the third fire out of safety concerns. The demolition left behind a hole in the ground that has become our new frog habitat.

It’s not entirely clear where the frogs came from or how they arrived at this busy corner of the Mission. But given the recent flooding and everything else terrible happening of late, this plague seems to be the latest local sign of the impending apocalypse.

Unfortunately with spring and dry months ahead, the frogs can expect a no-fault eviction in no time.


City Can't Figure Out What To Do With McCoppin Plaza And So Just Closes It Indefinitely

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try… oh whatever, who fucking cares. After struggling for several years to keep the homeless out of McCoppin Hub Plaza, Hoodline reports that the city has finally given up and just shut the thing down. Indefinitely.

According to John Updike, who heads the city’s Real Estate Division and in that capacity is in charge of the public space at Valencia and McCoppin Street, the plaza is now considered a construction zone and is off-limits to the public—as the chain-link fence that surrounds the park makes clear.

The chain-link fence is reportedly a placeholder until a permanent fence can be installed at a later date.

The city initially had high hopes for the mini-park, and rolled out the welcome mat for food trucks. The trucks never came, however, and homeless people began congregating there instead. But not to worry, Updike assured Hoodline that the indefinite closure is not at all about keeping out the homeless. Rather, it’s about public safety.

“There was a lot of abuse of the site and intimidation by people that frankly were doing illegal activities,” he told the publication. “There’s a lot of illegal activity that was occurring and it was to the detriment of the neighborhood being able to enjoy the rest of the open space.”

And while some may view the closure as a massive failure on the part of officials to utilize public land in a city where space is at a premium, perhaps this can be seen as a bold new crime-fighting strategy. Simply fence off areas where unsavory characters congregate and voilà, crime will disappear. 

Now all we need is enough chain-link fencing to enclose 49 square miles, and we’ll be good to go.

[Rendering of an imagined fence from 2015: San Francisco Public Works via Mission Local]


Signs Of Life at Old DeLano's IGA Suggest Imminent Grocery Outlet Opening

After numerous false starts, it appears the long-vacant DeLano’s IGA on South Van Ness between 24th and 23rd is finally approaching an opening date. As Hoodline reported last May, discount chain Grocery Outlet gained approval from the Planning Department in April to move forward with a new store at that location. And while the projected opening date of October 6th has come and gone, a peek into the building shows that products are now actually being stocked.

Even in its unopened state, the store looks to be positively bustling with life when compared to the empty shelves to which DeLano’s shoppers became accustomed.

Notably, Grocery Outlet is aiming to serve a very different demographic than the nearby Local Mission Market—a store known for its $12 tomato soup. This is all welcome news for Mission District residents that have seen the lot sit unused since 2010, as well as for anyone who likes purchasing Cheez-Its in bulk.

[Screenshot of the property in September: Google Maps]

One Man's Tag Is Another Man's Masterpiece

Mission District Residents Super Uptight About Graffiti

The Mission District has long drawn the attention of the national press, who have alternately labeled it “a million times more hipster than Brooklyn” and the city’s “creative hub.” And while those labels may or may not be accurate, a new report compiled by real estate company Trulia reveals an interesting fact about the people actually living in the neighborhood. It turns out Mission denizens are super uptight—at least when it comes to graffiti offending their delicate sensibilities.

A review of last year’s 311 calls to the city shows that the neighborhood had one of the highest number of complaints about tags in the entire city.

“The Mission, Chinatown and SoMa (South of Market) neighborhoods have the most graffiti complaints,” reads the report. “The Mission had 10,675 complaints in 2016 – making up almost one out of every four complaints made in the city.”

That’s just over 29 phone calls every day last year in the Mission alone. I guess people need something to do while waiting in all those lines.

[Photo: Timothy Palmer]


Chronicle Food Reviewer Thinks You're Stupid For Standing in Tartine's Bread Lines

If you’re one of the many, many people that have waited in line to sample the goods at Tartine Manufactory then the Chronicle’s top food reviewer has a message for you: You’re an idiot. At least that appears to be the takeaway of Michael Bauer’s recent review of the sprawling “multi-faceted maker’s space” that opened this past August on the corner of 18th and Alabama.

It seems that Bauer’s beef isn’t with the restaurant itself—which he practically falls over himself to shower praise on—but rather the fact that anyone could be bothered to wait in a line to eat there. 

“Much has been written about the Manufactory, and the lines have been long for breakfast and lunch; oftentimes there are about as many people waiting outside as there are seats inside,” he writes. “On at least three occasions I drove by with the intention of stopping, but even with the lure of the fabulous pastries, I couldn’t abide the lines and the prospect of scrambling for a seat inside.”

That’s right, the dude who literally gets paid to wait in lines can’t abide.

Thankfully for the ever-so-busy arbiter of all that is good, the restaurant started taking reservations in November—”a godsend for those of us who refuse to stand in line,” he notes. And yet, as the fact that he once reviewed Mission Chinese proves, Bauer has clearly spent plenty of time over the course of his 30-year career waiting in lines. So why the newfound aversion? Was he just trying to avoid being harassed by this guy?

Maybe. Or maybe he simply wanted to let you know that in the eyes of this esteemed critic, all you line-waiters are merely a bunch of chumps.

[Photo: northernfirespizza]

On To The Next

Bored With the Mission, NY Times Moves to Fetishize the Dogpatch

Ah, the Mission District. Remember that place? What with its Dolores Park, coffee, and Valencia Street, the Neighborhood Facebook Built seemed to have locked in its hot-new-thing status when in 2015 Business Insider declared it “a million times more hipster than Brooklyn.” The New York Times even got in on the fun, obsessing over Linea Caffe and weighing in on a burgeoning Mission microhood. But the Gray Lady is a fickle lover, and her wandering eye has found a new object of attraction: The Dogpatch.

In a piece last week, the paper passes over its old Mission District flame for the hotness of a neighbor to the east. Headlined “A Guide to America’s Next Great Art Neighborhood,” the story focuses on the Dogpatch’s role as a mecca for “the city’s pre-eminent gallerists.”

“While its name conjures images of roving canines,” the Times tells us, “the only wild things you’re likely to find in San Francisco’s Dogpatch neighborhood are the gang of intrepid young art dealers who have set up shop in the formerly forgotten bayside section of the city.”

Yes, those wild art dealers. Like the ones inhabiting the real estate investor-founded Minnesota Street Project, who SF Weekly reports are soon to share a home with Daniel Patterson’s second Alta location—a restaurant whose $26 deconstructed beef stroganoff just screams edgy.

And while the patrons of Just For You Cafe, the Dogpatch Saloon, or any number of neighborhood mainstays may disagree with the Times’ “formerly forgotten” label, it will nevertheless force them to deal with that age old question so familiar to their Mission District neighbors: Is a neighborhood only truly hip after the Times writes a style piece about it? And, once the paper of record has moved on and all you’re left with is long lines and overpriced condos, was the love affair worth it?

[Photo: torbakhopper]