Eats and Beers

Watch Home Alone. Drunk! In Public! With Ice Cream!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This certainly sounds like fun:

Unlike Kevin MacAllister's mom, we didn't forget anything for this holiday party at the Roxie. Presents? Snacks? Treats? Holiday cartoons? What about Santa Claus? Is Santa Claus going to be here? The answers are: check, check, check, check and YES!!! In addition to alternately heart-warming and brain-melting holiday videos, we're very excited to facilitate a rare 35mm big-screen presentation of the Macaulay Culkin revenge fantasia HOME ALONE. Get in for just FIVE DOLLARS if you bring a wrapped present for Santa. Co-presented by our favorite ice cream team Humphry Slocombe and those tender hearted gangsters over at Prohibition Brewery. 

I probably won't be going to this showing because, as anyone named Kevin who was born between the years of 1980-1985 can tell you, this movie brings back terrible memories of kids is grade school repeatedly yelling, “Kevin, you are such a disease!”  I still can barely sleep at night.  Anyways, if your name isn't Kevin and Santacon wasn't enough for you, The Roxie has all the deets.

SantaCon Is Coming to Town

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Tomorrow's lineup of bars to rampage in flannel has finally been posted.  While I could tell some stories of this event (primarily consisting of dirty caroling in Zeitgeist and posing for group photos in front of a dude wearing bondage standing in the window of Good Vibrations), I'd rather just share my friend's recollection of last year:

Last year, after 8 hours of drinking, I ended up taking a train to Davis, CA for what I thought was a house party. As it turns out, it was a quiet dinner party. I thoroughly embarrassed myself by showing up drunk in a santa suit with everyone else wearing semi-formal wear. I proceeded to cause a scene by loudly yelling insults at the party hosts. I made my exit exlaiming that I would “walk to Sacramento,” (for some reason). I got lost, sat down at a bus stop and called for a ride.

I'd like to top that this year.

There you have it people: no 8pm trains to Davis after drinking for 8 hours in a Santa suit.

Mexican Food For Marina Residents Headed to Valencia

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Inside Scoop is reporting that Marina taco shop Tacolicious, along with a new tequila bar, is coming to Valencia @19th:

Assuming all goes to plan, owner Joe Hargrave is hoping for a late spring/early summer debut in the Mission. The second Tacolicious location will mirror the original in many ways, from the lively vibe to the farm-fresh purveyors to most of the menu itself

Executive chef Telmo Faria, who will oversee both locations, says that they’ll add a bicycle delivery service, ranging from 30th to 15th and Folsom to Dolores Park, or thereabouts. And just for laughs, the Marina Girl salad will be replaced by the Skinny Jeans salad.

It's going to be really interesting to see how this place does amongst countless real taquerias.  It makes sense that Tacolicious works on Chestnut because the Marina doesn't have any good Mexican food, but Valencia?  You'd think people wouldn't even bother.

Regardless of whether people will eat here or not, I'm most interested to see if the HipNimbys Chicken John FREAKS THE FUCK OUT that a Marina-based chain is invading Valencia Street.  After all, this is pretty much the 1967 Arab-Israeli War all over again. 

(link / illustration via Inside Scoop - Thanks for the tip, Henri!)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Are Juice Boxes of Jameson the Next Four Loko?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you missed last night's episode of Sons of Anarchy, you missed a glimpse on what could be one of the most significant liquor industry game-changers since the 21st amendment.  I'm actually amazed no one has thought of this sooner.  Its size is perfect for the movie theater, park, or high school cafeteria.  Plus, it makes a fantastic popping noise when you stomp on an empty.

Anyway, I've searched the internets far and wide to figure out where I can buy this groundbreaking product, but all that turns up where a bunch of queries on Yahoo! Answers trying to find the same thing.  Perhaps this was just a teaser product placement?

(gif via Dan's Page)

why am I mad at food?

Burritos are fucking played out

— By Serg |

shitty burrito

Hey I don’t know if you’ve heard but there are fucking burritos in San Francisco and everyone who moves here wants to be an expert on where to get a sloppy tube of diarrhea roulette. Like they are the first to ever have a fucking burrito. 7x7’s latest shitty idea is to combine a burrito gang bang posse with Chipotle connoisseurs and a burrito clown car to form some kind of idiot council of the elders to finally solve the question that has been plaguing amateur Mexican food eaters everywhere. This shit has been done to fucking death. I know people are attached to the burrito, but it has fucking jumped the shark and drowned in a super pool of shitty crema picante bean juice runoff.

Yes, it’s easy to hate on 7x7 but if there is one question that annoys the goddamn piss out of me it’s “where do I get the best burrito?” You know what? Fuck you with that bullshit. Still getting by on your foil wrapped training wheels because your dumbass just upgraded from fucking nachos. It’s 2010 we don’t need a goddamn panel to tell us where to get a fucking burrito. I don’t give a fuck about Mission Local’s shit poll guide for the blind.  Eating burritos doesn’t make you an expert on shit. It’s a fucking burrito and it’s fucking boring. Hell I haven’t even had one in over a year because I got tired of them. Sure it might be fun when you first get to SF and discover taquerias all over your new stomping grounds but they aren’t shit, you are not the first. Fucking tacos still shit on your tube of rice and beans. Oh but you want something big you can unwrap and fill you up. GET A GODDAMN TORTA BECAUSE SANDWICHES ARE STILL IN THE MOTHERFUCKING GAME.  The game doesn’t start and end with the burrito.

See that’s probably the most aggravating part about the “where do I get the best burrito” question. It just screams amateur status. You are a tourist when it comes to the game. I don’t give a fuck about your stories about bliss found in the depths of a super carne asada burrito. The reality is that you are at the discovery level of carne asada fries garbage plate consumers. You’re not special doggy, your opinion ain’t shit.  You want to be a boss in this game? Find some perfectly fried buche, enchiladas that never touch a stove, legit tamales that you didn’t buy at 2 am from a bucket, tell me where some awesome cochinita pibil is, tell me when you can actually tell when you got real refried beans that didn’t come out of a can just to be heated in a fucking microwave, or find some real ass barbacoa, or who makes flan with goat milk. Shit tell me anything. No one cares that you are the 1 zillionth customer to discover an above average burrito, that’s like telling me where you like to get your daily cup of hot dirty water aka coffee. It’s just not that goddamn impressive.

BURRITO EXPERT = CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OF THE MEXICAN FOOD GAME

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Leftover Sandwich: Meat-Eater's Edition

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I already ejaculated all over Ike's vegan version of the same sandwich (summary: it's really good!), so I feel it is my duty that there is a cheap, meat-filled version available now at Zeitgeist.  I wasn't able to review the dish myself, but I'd personally lose my shit for any sandwich that was filled with mashed taters.

Also, my friends and I snapped a photo in Zeitgeist.  We're such badasses.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

DeLano's IGA (Finally) Closing

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Eater confirms what we've all assumed since Spring:

Sad times for the DeLano's fan club today as we learn of not one, but a full-on impending fold of all six Bay Area locations of the unabashedly cheap and once-cheerful grocery chain. The manager on duty today at the South Van Ness mart said, “The Castro, Van Ness and Geary Street locations have all lost their leases” and he's “99.99.99% sure they're closing. [insert helpless chuckle]”

Too bad.  I've always dug the SVN location, partly because I'm lazy and it's right there, but mostly because the Asian security guard is the coolest dude on the planet.  Yeah, the prices were fairly inflated, but most supermarkets are full of apathetic douchebags.  Not this place.  Everyone was wicked friendly and the security guard always commented on my shitty taste in beer.  Tears.

What's up next?  Perhaps “Fresh & Easy,” which is some British chain.  But, I'm calling it to be vacant for the next 5 years, as some neighbors will inevitably protest whatever business tries to open up there.

(link)

Mission Loc@l Attempts to Name "The Best Burrito"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

For some reason, there has been a recent spike in people trying to anoint “the Mission's best burrito.”  I don't think anyone will deny how futile this quest is, but the quest is pretty telling on how people the internet approaches the subject.  For example, Mission Loc@l's recent poll (visualized above) had El Farolito and Cancun within .77 points of each other, receiving 179 and 172 respective votes out of 905.  Yet, Taqueria San Francisco, the 3rd best burrito in the Mission according to Burrito Eater, only received 1 vote.  This only confirms my suspicion that people generally only eat what the SFBG tells them is the best burrito and really only bother to eat what's convenient to them.  Sure, I eat a fair share of La Corneta, but that's only because it's a block from my house and I'm too lazy to waddle somewhere else.  Frequenting a place doesn't make it the best.

Anyway, I digress.  Even if Mission Loc@l's verdict was slightly bias in favor of locations easily accessible by BART, you have to respect them for at least being democratic.  7x7, on the other hand, is conducting a sampling of Mission burritos for their upcoming “food issue” in which Marina moms team up with two chefs to determine who makes the top tube of calories.  Commence eye-rolling…

(Mission Loc@l)

Four Loko Now Selling For $20/can on Craigslist

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Twenty goddamn dollars a can.  Besides the OMG CAPS LOCK, the dramatic list of 'reviews' and the fact the the poster calls the batch “magical,” my favorite part of this review is how obvious it is that the poster bought the stock at a packie minutes before posting the classified (via the black bodega bag).

For the interested, I'd recommend skipping Craigslist for now, as you can still find it at a bunch of bodegas in the Mission (and likely other neighborhoods).  One store on Capp is selling them for $4/can because “that's what people will pay.”  Another on Folsom is charging $3.25.  However, another on Mission refused to sell his backstock, even after we offered him $8/can, because he was terrified the city would shut down the store if he sold off his stock, so maybe you better act fast.

(link)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Confessions of a Nogaholic

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

My first Fall in San Francisco, I was introduced to a drinking contest fit only for masochists and the insensible.  No, I'm not talking about Whiskey Wednesday, I'm talking about a marathon soy nog drinking contest.  The rules were simple: as soon as soy nog, the vegan version egg nog, was made commercially available, each person had to drink as much as possible before Christmas day.  The winner of the contest was awarded the respect of his peers and the cost of a wider pair of jeans.

I was young and naive then.  A lad of 23 years of age, believing I could conquer the world.  The forefather of this competition was a maniacal vegan who went by the name of John, who was rumored to have once consumed over 900 popsicles in a Summer on a bet.  Surely I of no eating contest experience could take him down.

As competition began in November 2007, I quickly established a pace of one liter of nog a day.  After all, nog washes down a PB&J quite well.  But it wasn't enough.  Neil and Matt were easily polishing off 2 liters a day.  In an attempt to catch up, I guzzled 4 liters in one evening.  Later, the judges ruled that nog that was later retched up could not be counted towards one's total.

Shopping patterns were studied.  Competitors would go to Rainbow 30 minutes ahead of their opponents to clear the shelves.  Soon it was learned that Whole Foods carried a nog containing 60 calories less per liter than that of Rainbow's.  So we went there instead, clearing out the shelves.

Taunting photos of nog stockpiles were emailed around.  Pictures of one's Tetrapack body count were common.

Meals were completely replaced by nog.  Milk and cereal became nog and cereal.  Later, just nog.  Friday night beers became nog and rum.  Or “Nog Russians.”  For the desperate, “vodka nogs.”  Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer and Vixen, on! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Donder and Blitzen!  Get thy to a liquor store!

I ended up losing the competition by a mere 2 liters to Neil, but at least I bested John “900 Popsicles” C.'s record.

Ahem.  Sorry, what was the point of this?  Oh yeah, Fabric8 is hosting a “Nog-In” on Dec. 18th, in which they will crown who in the city makes the best nog.  While it should be a good time, you should beware; that shit can get out of hand fast.

(More info on the Nog-In at SFoodie / You're the man now, Nogg. photo by Laura Beck)

        

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