Eats and Beers

First Look: Blast by Colt 45

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Back in October, it was revealed that Pabst Brewing's new douchebro owners were working with Snoop Dogg to develop a line of flavored Colt 45.  Everyone rightfully rolled their eyes at the obvious attempt to go after the controversy-plagued Sparks/Four Loko/fortified wine market.  After all, strawberry lemonade is anything but beer—it's a Juicy Juice flavor.  But we were able to get our hands on a case of the prototype “Blast by Colt 45” and, well, my expectations of this 12.5% ABV fruity monstrosity tasting like wolf piss were wrong.

A few of us took a few bottles to Dolores Park the other day to give the grape and blueberry pomegranate flavors a spin.  Honestly, Blast tastes pretty mediocre straight out of the bottle. Having it on the rocks helps, but the idea of drinking malt liquor on the rocks deeply disturbs me and makes me fear for the future of our country.

Finally, after thinking that Blast was merely 'meh', we decided to cut it with some 7up and, honestly, it made the booze the fucking game.  Apparently Colt 45 intends to start shipping this stuff to bodegas soon, but I hope for their sake they lower the ABV and put some more carbonation in it because if they do, it'll be a game changer.  The mix goes tastes just like grape soda and blue raspberry Slush Puppies.  The Marin Institute will blow a circuit over it.  Rappers in Ohio will be rhyming in the streets.  High schoolers everywhere will be getting alcohol poisoning.  It'll be fantastic.

When a malt liquor turns your tongue blue, you know know it's the jam.

To be clear, when I first tasted Four Loko a year ago, I thought it was proof that God loves us and wants our vomit to smell like rotten watermelon.  I drank Sparks by the case in college.  And I'm more apt to reach for a Sunkist than a Coke.  Perhaps that makes me biased.  However, all the other Four Loko fiends that tasted this stuff agreed: Colt 45 has upped the high fructose corn syrup beer game.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Emeril shooting in SF right this very second (ZOMG!!)

— By Zach Perkins |

Street reporter/walker Jenny Wilson reports spotting Emeril and an Authentic Entertainment Productions crew setting up at the Irish Coffee crackhouse Buena Vista Cafe this morning.  Emeril has previously worked on 'Authentic' Ent's Food Network series Best Thing I Ever Ate, so this is probably for a Season 5 episode of that show.  Get over to the Marina and gawk at the biggest food celeb of 2k3.  BAM! (that is what he says, amirite?) 

Doc's Clock Turns Their Back on Olympia

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I stopped into Doc's Clock yesterday for a quick pint and round of pinball and this note was passed to me from down the bar.  Yep, some guy tried to order an “Oly,” as the bar formerly referred to the beer, scribbled this note in protest of their decision to stop carrying the beer, and bounced.  Now, Olympia might be the highest-rated cheap beer by Mission cool kids, but I really think you're splitting hairs when it comes to comparing Hams [sic] to just about any other beer that costs two smacks at a bar.  That said, I can only think of two other Mission bars that still carry Olympia (Gestalt and Homestead) soo…… market opportunity!

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Grub Holds it Down

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Mac n' Cheese with portobello mushrooms, tomatoes, blue cheese, and bad photography.

Admittedly, I'm not really one to eat at restaurants that take reservations, use three adjectives to describe “breadcrumbs,” and call fries “frittes” [sic], but Valencia's Grub claims to make hella good mac n' cheese, so it was hard to resist eventually making my way over there.

And the verdict? Grub makes some bomb-ass mac & cheese, if you're willing to pay $12 bucks for a bowl of it.  Overpriced, no doubt, but it does have way more calories than one could possibly ingest in one sitting, so there's that.

But, really, my basket of “frittes” [sic] really made the meal.  See, as the basket was nearly gone, the old man sitting at the table next to me leans over, taps me on the shoulder and says, “You know, I've been sitting here the entire time just waiting for you to offer me some of those fries and you haven't done it yet.”  So I, feeling like an idiot for not offering the neighboring table my appetizer, apologize and offer up some of my last fries.  Then his wife swats the fries away and exclaims, “Don't reward him!”

Basically what I'm trying to say is Grub is an alright to place to eat.

Panchita's #3 is... Renovating?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Don't get me wrong, I think Panchita's #3 can make a mighty fine meal, but I've never seen a person in this place since the day it opened.  With that, I don't exactly know why the owners just haven't thrown in the towel yet, but I sure do respect them for their persistence.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

A Terrible Recap of Last's Night Party

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Last night we had a party honoring an entire year of mediocre internet.  Therefore, I took some blurry photos to help me remember the occasion.

DJ Spinnerty was there.

Some chalk artist was there.

Some people interested in touching a woman's anus were there.

Sweet Tooth was there.

Some dude quadruple-fisting PBR was there.

Crazy Hate was there.

 

Some blurry girls were there.

Some guy in overalls playing with a shakeweight was there.

Christmas Trees were at the afterparty.

All in all, a pretty okay time.  Thanks to everyone who made it out and contributed to the trouble.  Also, big ups to PBR for hooking up the beer specials and props to Bender's for letting us urinate on their floor and vandalize their bathroom.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Pizza Monster Hits Serrano's

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Creating perhaps the most important tag of 2011, Pizza Monster made a visit to Serrano's during a recent Mission sidewalk graffiti spree.  Also of note, Arinell and Escape did not earn the Monster tag of approval, which should tell you everything you need to know about Mission slice shops (namely, they're all meh but Serrano's has been know to hold it down).

Let's Talk Tamales

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The tofu-mole tamale says I'm an upwardly mobile individual, living in the Mission, concerned with his health and the ethical treatment of animals.  The King Cobra says I'm Budweiser's bitch.

It has been far too long since we discussed tamales that, as Serg masterfully put it, “you didn't buy at 2 am from a bucket.”  With that, I'd like to give some quick props to La Oaxaqueña, the often overlooked but increasingly well regarded hole-in-the-wall on Mission at 17th.  Not only was their banana leaf tofu with Oaxacan mole tamale the fucking game, my entire dinner set me back a scant $4.50.  Plus, they let you bring your own booze into the restaurant (PROTIP: the bodega next door is cheap and has a good selection [read: they stock Four Loko]) and they are open until 2am most nights.

Almost needless to say, next time you stumble out of a bar before last call, walk right past Cancun because they don't hold a candle to these guys.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

This Badass Logo Soon Could Be On Mission St.

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

As a vegetarian, it's hard for me to get excited about another chicken place opening up around the corner form my house.  However, I am an unrepentant fan of drawings of chickens in hats, even if the chicken is likes his cannibalism with a side of fries.  From Inside Scoop:

The proposed location is 2740 Mission, between 23rd and 24th (less than two blocks from Popeye’s!) [KM note: this is the old Payless Shoe Source location]. Unlike the LA fast food locations, it would be a full-service eatery, which would hearken back to the original locations in Central America. The 2600 square foot space would seat about 40 inside, plus another 40 on a rear patio that is hoped to be in the same vein as Foreign Cinema.

Now, nothing gives me a laugh like comparing a Guatemalan fast food chain to Foreign Cinema, but I guess that is what makes SF's foodie scene the magical anomaly that it is.  Anyway, should Pollo Campero open, it will be the first one to open north of LA, EVER.  The real question is, will Chicken John protest?

(Link)

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