STEP ONE: Log-in to your Friendster account (or email, if you cannot afford a Friendster)

STEP TWO: Title your message. You want it to come across as professional. You are not sending another pitiful, begging-to-get-in message to the Admissions Board at yet another community college, so a title like School may be OUT, but I would like to be IN will not cut it. I recommend a title that speaks for itself and lets the reader know you mean business. Something like Title of professional message.

STEP THREE: Send the following professional message (or email, if the complex messaging system of Friendster is above your intelligence level): 

Hello sir (or in other circumstances, madam. You may be thinking to yourself, “A woman? Running a blog? Not a chance.”, but you are wrong, grandpa, because times have changed from the days when you had to blog uphill both ways in the snow. Women run just about everything now, with one notable exception being THIS blog.)

 

As you are likely aware, I got your email address from one Kate Horton, she of the paralyzed hand.

 

Since she is practically dead (probably), it was her dying wish (I’m guessing) for me to send you this email inquiring about writing for Uptown Almanac.

 

A couple months ago, I saw the almost definitely Oscar winning and critically acclaimed movie 2012. In it, one dumb character talks to another dumb character about how they have to “download a blog”, or something. It really hit home for me, as I realized that I have never had a blog “downloaded”, because that is not even a sentence that really makes sense, but also because I do not write a blog. I would literally hate for the world to end in two years without me having any blogs available for people to download as they board their arks while the Earth crumbles around them.

Please don’t deny me of my childish dream. I will make you proud, depending on how little it takes for you to feel pride.

 

So that’s it. My to-do list had one item on it for today and now it’s done, so I’m going to start really getting drunk.

 

Thanks a bunch, sir.

 

-dylan (always end it with the name dylan, regardless of what your parents/kidnappers named you. It just looks more professional.)