The New York Times is reporting that Four Loko is finally going the way of our beloved friend Sparks (R.I.P.):

The company that produces the Four Loko beverage said it will remove the caffeine and two other ingredients from its products after facing a cascade of criticism and regulatory scrutiny for producing the energy drinks, which combine high levels of the stimulant with alcohol.

The announcement comes as the Food and Drug Administration was expected to take a stand on the drinks, perhaps as early as Wednesday. The company, in a statement, acknowledged that it was acting in response to the threat of government action. (link)

Now the question is, what's next?  If history tells us anything, something else (presumably stronger and more disgusting) will take its place.  Personally, if I were to create a Sparks/Loko/Joose/Tilt knockoff, the can would make disparaging comments about people under the age of 23 so gramps wouldn't get confused about who it was marketed to.

In the meantime, go clean out your local bodega and fire up that Sparks cook lab.

Finally, I'd like to leave you with what could be the best string of words ever put together about the beverage.  From the exceptionally rad blog, Fresh Off the Boat:

So, I drink a lot of four loko and its dope. That's really all there is to it. I like gummy bears and I like alcohol that taste like malt liquor gummy bears. The whole crack down is comedy to me. I found this stuff earlier this year around March. I started seeing cans of it on the curb, mad people on the bus were drinking it, and the cans looked like sizzurp fucked an arizona iced tea. It was kinda crunk. I had one can and knew it was going to blow up.

I fux with four loko cause its a wild-out concept and gets right to the point. It blatantly is created to get you blitzed really cheap and there is no pretension. It's an HONEST product. I love it. It's the moonlight bunny ranch of malt liquors. “Get in, get out, that's a OG's classic.” This is the only time in my life I will ever quote Memphis Bleek, but sometimes mo-fuckers say some real shit. [Read On]

That's right, the San Francisco foodie culture that has produced toenail flavored ice cream and other overhyped culinary creations unveils its latest work: “artisan Jell-O shots.”  Abby, the person selling these shots, claims she makes two new flavors daily and goes to various events and scenes to sell them.  Think she's just throwing around the word “artisan”?  One of the flavors for sale Sunday was “mulled wine stewed with spices, fruit punch, and spiced rum.”

PEOPLE, let's slow down, collect ourselves, and realize this “artisan” foodie culture has gone too far.  Don't get me wrong, the Jell-O shot I tasted was quite good, but it was only marginally better than the stuff made with plastic handle vodka and corporate gelatin mix that had Bill Cosby on the package that I guzzled down when I was a prepubescent lad.

Plus, wouldn't you rather support this squalid Jell-O shot selling sketchtard?:

I have no idea if this is supposed to be a seasonal sandwich or not, but Ike's Vegan Pilgrim sandwich is the jam.  Vegan turkey, hella cranberry sauce, Sriracha, soy cheese and some other salad parts combine together just like holiday leftovers should.  Also, I'd highly recommend properly cleaning your face afterwards so you do what I did and end up looking like an old man with no sandwich-eating coordination.

After commenters raved about the quality food at The Sycamore, I figured I'd pop in there to check it out.  In short, the spot somewhat lives up to the hype.  Quality back patio, lots of board games to play, comfortable interior with art on the walls, good beer selection, amazing fries, but a fairly mediocre portobello mushroom sandwich I don't think I'd order again.

After three hours and far too much alcohol for a Tuesday afternoon, I figured I had seen everything their was to see and began packing up my stuff.  Then, out of no where, an average looking man stuck his head in the door, stared at me and yelled, much to the bemusement of the bar, “Give me ten dollars within the next ten minutes or I'll rob a store, put the guy in a head lock and he'll die.”  He then turned around and walked away as if nothing was up.

15 minutes later, he still hadn't come back for his money.  Now I'm starting to worry about the manager of the Foot Locker next door. It's been almost five days since the Mehserle sentencing and they still look closed…

(photo via yelp)