Hey I don’t know if you’ve heard but there are fucking burritos in San Francisco and everyone who moves here wants to be an expert on where to get a sloppy tube of diarrhea roulette. Like they are the first to ever have a fucking burrito. 7x7’s latest shitty idea is to combine a burrito gang bang posse with Chipotle connoisseurs and a burrito clown car to form some kind of idiot council of the elders to finally solve the question that has been plaguing amateur Mexican food eaters everywhere. This shit has been done to fucking death. I know people are attached to the burrito, but it has fucking jumped the shark and drowned in a super pool of shitty crema picante bean juice runoff.
Yes, it’s easy to hate on 7x7 but if there is one question that annoys the goddamn piss out of me it’s “where do I get the best burrito?” You know what? Fuck you with that bullshit. Still getting by on your foil wrapped training wheels because your dumbass just upgraded from fucking nachos. It’s 2010 we don’t need a goddamn panel to tell us where to get a fucking burrito. I don’t give a fuck about Mission Local’s shit poll guide for the blind. Eating burritos doesn’t make you an expert on shit. It’s a fucking burrito and it’s fucking boring. Hell I haven’t even had one in over a year because I got tired of them. Sure it might be fun when you first get to SF and discover taquerias all over your new stomping grounds but they aren’t shit, you are not the first. Fucking tacos still shit on your tube of rice and beans. Oh but you want something big you can unwrap and fill you up. GET A GODDAMN TORTA BECAUSE SANDWICHES ARE STILL IN THE MOTHERFUCKING GAME. The game doesn’t start and end with the burrito.
See that’s probably the most aggravating part about the “where do I get the best burrito” question. It just screams amateur status. You are a tourist when it comes to the game. I don’t give a fuck about your stories about bliss found in the depths of a super carne asada burrito. The reality is that you are at the discovery level of carne asada fries garbage plate consumers. You’re not special doggy, your opinion ain’t shit. You want to be a boss in this game? Find some perfectly fried buche, enchiladas that never touch a stove, legit tamales that you didn’t buy at 2 am from a bucket, tell me where some awesome cochinita pibil is, tell me when you can actually tell when you got real refried beans that didn’t come out of a can just to be heated in a fucking microwave, or find some real ass barbacoa, or who makes flan with goat milk. Shit tell me anything. No one cares that you are the 1 zillionth customer to discover an above average burrito, that’s like telling me where you like to get your daily cup of hot dirty water aka coffee. It’s just not that goddamn impressive.
BURRITO EXPERT = CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OF THE MEXICAN FOOD GAME