— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
After a long two weeks of anticipation, the new 'Poco' Loko has landed on Mission bodega shelves, taking the traditional 23.5oz, 11% ABV tire fire of technicolor vomit and crippling hangovers and scales it back to a kid safe 8% ABV 16 ounce can.
The intriguingly nauseating green apple is almost sold out, so it's probably a good idea to get out of bed, run over to your nearest corner store, and just start drinking now.
— By Zach Perkins |
September was supposed to be a good month for the people at Vallarta, who recently expanded to take over at El Maya Yucatan at 16th St. Instead, their signature pigeons and a fistful of other health violations shut them down.
The last few weeks have been difficult for taco lovers on 24th. Since September 8th, we've had to go without the $1.75-per-hit greasy crack rocks of Taqueria Vallarta. And in a twist that's sure to surprise no one, it was the indoor pigeon mascots that shut them down. According to the SF Appeal, a pair of patrons were “chowing down on their favorite Mission District Mexican food selections” when they noticed the pigeons in the dining area and their nest in the rafters.
First of all, there's no way that Vallarta is one of your 'favorite Mission selections' or whatever, if pigeons flying around and nesting inside the dining room is a new or shocking revelation to you. There are definitely a lot of gnarly issues that Vallarta needs to fix (renovations have began and they should be allowed to re-open in the next week or so according to an employee we spoke with last weekend), but you probably shouldn't be selecting the taqueria with after-market car speakers mounted on the walls (just below the pigeon nests) when selecting your next purveyor of strange meats grilled on top of what looks like an overturned oil drum attached to a food cart if these sorts of things bother you.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
I know that our generation has been trained to hate everything Paris-related because the French didn't 'like' America on Facebook after 9/11 or whatever, but the recent explosion of outdoor seating around the Mission is nothing to hate. Pica Pica received their outdoor seating permit a few weeks back, Hog & Rocks seems to be working on sidewalk seating, and now that Irish bar on 24th and South Van Ness that no one you know has ever been to has a bunch of tables, umbrellas, and flower planters.
While the trend might be a good thing for pasty brunchers, Napper Tandy building a sidewalk patio is particularly curious. Unlike Valencia, the aromas of 24th are generally not the most pleasant—nevermind how narrow the sidewalks are. Yet, people seem to be digging it.
The bartender, whose voice sounds like a proper South Boston leprechaun, said the bar tried to do sidewalk seating back in 2003. “It lasted about a week; we spent too much time dealing with the homeless and their carriages.” Suffice it to say, they think a significantly less sketchy 2011 Mission District will lead to improved fortune.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Mission Local, fresh off their much-tweeted about cupcakes and gang violence map, has published a detailed story about the recent gang murders and their effect on foodie culture and restaurant staffers:
Less than a week after three fatal shootings occurred in a section of the Mission that has become one of the hottest restaurant districts in San Francisco, the sidewalks are full of eager patrons. Diners know about the shootings.
“It’s kind of scary, but kind of fun,” says Dana Humphrey, 28, as she sat eating at Graçias Madre, a vegan restaurant where the tacos aren’t cheap. Her friend Alexis Papeshi, 28, who lives in the Marina, agrees. “It has some cachet,” she says. ’Oh we are in the Mission, we are so cool.’”
[…]“I’m not scared, I still feel safe,” says Manny Torres Gimenez, the owner and chef at Mr. Pollo, a small Peruvian restaurant that has acquired a cult following among foodies who come from all over the city for its tasting menu. “I’ve been walking the same streets every night for three years by myself and I’ve never seen anything happen.”
That said, he adds that the edginess of the neighborhood is attractive to many customers. “That is part of the experience, to be in that crazy dangerous neighborhood.”
— By Zach Perkins |
DISCLAIMER: NO GRAPHIC DESIGNERS WERE EMPLOYED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BILLBOARD.
Having risen from the ashes of fallen 2k10 memes, the Four Horseman of the Fourpocalyspe ride again to deliver cryptic billboard messages to East Bay commuter drones. Thankfully, the sexy/multiracial news team at News 4 is providing minute to minute coverage of this “breaking news”; Four Loko is now ingestible in a bottled form. Follow up investigation reports that the new 'Poco Loko' 16oz cans will also hit the shelves soon, delivering sugar and shit quality alcohol in a smaller form factor to better infiltrate your life.
But as for the mysterious new slogan “EVERYTHING'S GONE”, News 4 seems stumped. Is this a reference to the caffeine and other stimulants that have since been removed from the Four Loko formula? Perhaps a nod to the once dwindling and now extinct supply of 'pre-ban' Lokos from our nation's bodegas?? Or has the Fourapture come to whisk devout cans of Loko away before the coming Fourpocalypse???
Something tells me that 'News 4' won't be doing much coverage of any Four Loko related deaths.
— By Zach Perkins |
MOIST DELICIOUSNESS NOT SHOWN TO SCALE
WARNING: NSFV! Apparently unafraid of alienating the local veg crowd, Shotwell's is hosting 'Brisketfest' from 6 to 10pm tonight. The cash-only cow slaughter will feature brisket from three local purveyors; Wise Sons Deli, Good Foods Catering, and the mysterious Gypsy Kitchen.
$5 gets you a slab of meat from one of the three choices, and $15 gets you all three and the privilege of casting a vote to decide who will be called the Baron of Brisket. Sodacraft is sponsoring the event and providing tasty beverages. More event details on the Sodacraft website. Hell, It's not even lunch time and I'm already feeling ravenous.
YO COW TITTY HOW YOU TASTE SO GOOD??
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Bender's doesn't anything else going for it—certainly not more favorable coverage from area blogs such as this. But as an admitted ice cream snob who intends to live out his golden years with an ugly concoction of diabetes and liver disease, news that Bender's is now turning out sundae's in tater tot trays for five bucks is impossible to pass up. And just look at that thing: delicious ice cream that comes from a 5 gallon tub, melty in all the right places, and oozing with chocolate syrup. Plus, for those of you who aspire to die of heart failure, they'll cover it in bacon bits at no extra cost.
No word as to how long you'll be able to score this, but it looked like there was a mess of ice cream in the fridge.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Is this even a problem? Guess so.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
It appears that I'm not the only one taking issue with Eater and The Weekly's accusation that Clooney's isn't a really a dive bar. Doug of Ice Tubes writes:
Yo, after seeing your post on Clooney's I sent the link to my friend who practically lives there. He (pretty quickly) sent me back the attached photo of a dog drinking a beer at the bar, which he saw two nights ago. “Watched this mutt sit at the bar and lap down a half pint of stella (apparently the only beer he'll drink) and proceed to stumble off the stool onto the ground.”
And if stumbling-drunk pups doesn't convince you, the comment thread from Tuesday's post is still going strong, with people pointing towards your freedom to pass out on the bar (a personal favorite of mine) or access to “local talent” as proof of its dive status. However, Vulcan Tits really hits it home:
The first time I went to Clooney's a buddy and I wanted to shoot pool on a Sunday afternoon. We walk in the door, and the sixty-ish bartender immediately yells the following at us from across the bar:
“If you want to have a mother/daughter bartending threesome then you came to the right place”. It went downhill (uphill?) from there.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Perhaps more newsworthy than the fact I won't be stuffing my face with their delicious (and, as evidence would suggest, most likely not vegetarian) biscuits and gravy anytime soon is the revelation that Boogaloos' business name is Spaghetti Western. Not to say I don't appreciate their breakfast menu, but that's a genius name for a west-coast spaghetti shack.
Change of menu, anyone?