Eats and Beers

Take a Knee, Santa; It's Time to Shotgun Some High Life

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Should you find the standard holiday soiree too family-friendly, be sure to put The Roxie's annual Christmas boozefest on next year's calendar.  Not only will you delight in rambunctiously cheering and mocking Bruce Willis and Carl Winslow's feats of strength in vaguely Christmas-related flicks like Die Hard, the whole thing is MCed by a wine-guzzling, blunt-smoking, can-crushing Santa Claus.

We can only hope next year's bash involves Bad Santa and a bathtub full of 40s.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Somewhere in SF, There's a Bartender Who's Never Heard of PBR

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I made my way to Mercury Lounge for that photo show the other night and bore witness to a strange and jarring conversation between our pal John and the Mission-oblivious bartender:

OPJ: “Can I get P-B-R?”

MOB: “Sure.”

[MOB turns, stares at a bucket of Corona for a moment or two, and turns back towards OPJ]

MOB: “I'm sorry, I don't know that drink.”

OPJ: “P-B-R? It stands for Pabst Blue Ribbon.”

MOB: “Oh, right.”

[MOB grabs a can and cracks it open]

MOB: “That'll be four bucks.”

I am a Corporate Sellout

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I'm sure you've already heard that the culty raw food chain and homebase of awkward dancers Cafe Gratitude/Gracias Madre announced they are being sued out of existence.  But amidst all the celebratory press coverage, the fact Gracias Madre is, somewhat ironically, already in talks to sell to a “big corporation” fell off the radar.  Laura Beck of Vegansaurus (whose coverage is among the best around) reports:

Just heard from another (current) employee who said that they’re for sure being sold and that so is Gracias Madre, and it looks like there might already be a buyer for Gracias Madre, and it’s a big corporation. They didn’t tell the employees who the big corporation is (we’re thinking of starting the rumor that it’s McDonald’s! You in!?), but all Café Gratitude employees and central kitchen employees are getting fired. Super sad and shitty.

My money is on Qdoba Mexican Grill.

(Oh, and in case you were wondering, their commercial kitchen on 14th at Folsom is on the market for bargain price of 1.895 MILLION DOLLARS)

[photo by noppechan]

Dear Mom: A Bar So Big, Your Momma Will Fit In It

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After months of anticipation, Dear Mom finally opened their doors last night to a crowd of overjoyed neighbors.  And while they still have a long way to go (they still don't have a permit to sell booze, so they were just giving it away/their cash register is literally a cardboard box/they don't have their liquor shelves setup yet), it's got a lot going for it.  The place is massive (its legal capacity is nearly 250 people), it's got multiple giant tables to sit at, the pool table is brand-spankin-new, it's on your way home from work, and the bar staff is cool has hell (rumor has it thrifty globetrotter and television superstar Broke-Ass Stuart is even picking up a shift there).

Plus, they got a 4-foot-tall Connect Four game and your mom jokes for days.

At the corner of 16th and Harrison.  Do check them out.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Controversial Neighborhood Dive, Rite Spot Cafe, Shut Down by Health Department

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The Rite Spot has the increasingly rare distinction of being a place people either can't seem to get enough of or hate to no fucking end.  To some, a lovely low-key spot to eat surprisingly palatable burgers, take in some music or stand-up, and doodle on the bathroom walls.  To others, an abhorrently evil shithole with snarling bartenders, hit-or-miss food, and dumpy music.  Some even go as far as to claim the place is host to scalp-crawling cockroaches.

Well, it seems the city has sided with the detractors, shutting it down yesterday for “serious or repeated violations” pertaining to a “vermin infestation.”

Mind you, the city closed Boogaloos for similar issues back in August, only to see the restaurant reopen within the week, so who knows how serious the closure is.  But, should it stay closed, we'll have lost a reliable (to some, at least) outpost in an otherwise forgettable corner of the Mission.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Holidays with The Human Centipede

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The Roxie Theater, the Mission's venerable curators of films you want to see, when you want to see them, hits us over the head with a “100% medically accurate” double feature that'll most certainly get you in the holiday spirit:

Literally and figuratively rubbing your face in it, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE series immediately superseded everything else in cinema as The Most Extreme Thing Of All Time Ever. Columnists rallied, bloggers blathered and the public couldn’t get enough of this timeless story of unwitting strangers fused together, ass-to-mouth. Please join us at the Roxie to ring in the holiday season with Tom Six’s epic about two men’s dare to dream. Don’t be embarrassed! We know you want to see what all the fuss is about.

Cancel your other plans and get tix for the feast now.

San Francisco's First Ever Deaf-Owned Restaurant to Open Next Week

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

KQED's Bay Area Bites reports that Mozzeria, SF's first-ever deaf-owned restaurant and an alleged sign of “great pizza coming to the Mission,” is slated to open their doors at 16th and Guerrero on December 9th:

Make no mistake, however, [Melody and Russ Stein] are designing their restaurant and menu for the general public. And Melody has done her homework: besides studying Hospitality Management, she did a tour of Italy in 2010, taking cooking classes in several Italian cities to hone her recipes and perfect her pizza technique. […]

“There are only a handful of deaf owned restaurants around the country, “ says Russell proudly, “ We are the first one in a major city—and a famous food city too.” Although, the Steins expect that most of their customers will be “hearing” (the ASL term for those who are not deaf), they want to make sure their deaf supporters, many of whom have been cheering on Mozzeria’s progress over the past year on their blog, are comfortable too.

Read on for a heap of information about their menu, cooking chops, and use of lighting to make the joint deaf-friendly.

Taqueria Vallarta Re-Opens, But For How Long?

— By Zach Perkins |

I love Vallarta. Or rather, I LOVED Vallarta. Few people were as pissed as me when the 24th St Taqueria was shuttered in September for health violations. And no, I don't want no pigeons, but pigeons aren't half as bad as what I found on my return visit following their re-opening this week. 
 
As I first walked in, I was taken back by how clean and well lit the place looked. It was still the same Vallarta, but with a fresh coat of paint and a notable effort put into cleaning. The biggest difference was how uncluttered it seemed, aided primarily by a second archway being opened up to connect the kitchen/register area to the 'dining room' previously inhabited by their pigeon mascots. 
 

Vallarta: Come for the tacos, stay for the media piracy.

 
Now, I'd like to tell you how great the $1.75 tacos from the cart by the main entrance still are.  Really, I would.  For the sake of science journalism blogging, I purchased a single pastor taco. I went into the dining area, snapped a quick photo of some lady selling bootleg DVDs and video games out of a suitcase, and sat down to eat.
 
And that's when I saw it. Black as night, thick as a needle and wiry as hell. There was no mistaking it; I had pubes in my pastor. Human pubes. At best they were from someone's armpit, if not their genitals. 
 
So that's it Vallarta, you're dead to me. I wept long and hard for you when the health inspectors closed your doors in September, but I will shed no tears for you now.  
 

HUMAN PUBES YALL

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Hot Dog

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Surprisingly not an advertisement for a bacon-wrapped hot dog cart nor wrapped in bacon.

New Mission Bar Declares Shuffleboard Should Cost Money

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

No one here is going to argue that bars are charities, but there have always been a few accepted customs in Mission bartending: PBR doesn't cost more than two bucks, pours should always be strong, and shuffleboard is a pickup game to be enjoyed by anyone willing to signup for the next round.  It's these simple rules that have ensured the neighborhood remained a safe haven for broke, drunk slobs for years.

Well, the recently-opened sports bar/shrine to delicious Pittsburgh-style gluttony, Giordano Bros., has broken the tradition, not only charging Medjool prices for mediocre beer, but by imposing a fee for a few rounds of shuffleboard.  Heresy!

I probably shouldn't be too pissed—it's not like anyone with a shred of dignity and a basic appreciation for decor would ever go here anyway.  But it's a slippery slope, my friends.  Next thing you know, bars will be asking us to pay for pool.

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