Eats and Beers

Clooney's

If Clooney's isn't a dive bar, then are there any dives left in San Francisco?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I came across two interesting bits yesterday.  First from Eater:

SFoodie’s W. Blake Gray takes a few bites of the “rich bar food” Justin Navarro serves during his ​The Galley pop-up at Valencia St.’s pseudo dive bar, Clooney’s. He likes the French onion sandwich. He “devours” it, actually.

Then, from the SF Weekly article Eater points too:

Clooney’s Pub is a Valencia Street bar that, to be fair, is a little too nice to really be called a dive bar. SFoodie is big fans of Bouncer columnist Katy St. Clair and we know she would say that the pool table and most of the TVs are too functional, and half-a-dozen beers on tap is at least four too many, for it to really be a dive.

Too nice to really be called a dive bar?  Really?  There are dudes in Rascal Scooters getting drunk in there at 6am.  It still manages to smell like cigarettes despite the fact no one has smoked in the place in years.  The bathroom has no graffiti, yet the toilet is nasty enough that you’d never dare use it.  And the cheap beer on tap is Busch.

That’s not to say Clooney’s doesn’t have its strengths: it’s a bargain drunk, they have Star Trek fiction on loan, the pool table is almost always free, and I can drink there well into my 60s.  But it’s by no means a good bar.

Which begs the question, has San Francisco become so pretentious about not being pretentious that we kid ourselves into thinking Clooney’s is not a dive?  And most importantly, is there anywhere left in San Francisco that’s crappy enough to avoid rubbing elbows with self-described “foodies”?

[Photo by Armand Emamdjomeh]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Shotwell's New T-Shirt Design Looks Mighty Fine

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Apparently Shotwell's Bar held a t-shirt design contest this summer (which, had I known about, would have received some additional unintelligible 1a.m. submissions) and local cartoonists/Shitty Kitty mongerers Telephone & Soup brought it home with the above design.  Set to white, price unknown, available now next week at Shotwell's.

[Telephone & Soup]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Palace Steak House Reopens as Late-Night Beef Bistro

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I'm not much for meat, but I'm always interested in a proper restaurant maintaining late-night hours for drunk and sober dining alike.  Luckily, Bernalwood has the skinny on the new menu for the recently refurbished Palace Steak House:

…we received a tip from Herr Doktor on Monday, to the effect that a firm opening date for the Palace Steak House has been established. Eager to verify this tidbit, Bernalwood rushed to the Palace Steak House, where we had the good fortune to encounter the proprietor and his nascent serving staff, just as they were setting up to test-cook a few of the entrees on the menu.

Quickly, we were able to establish these facts:

  • The new restaurant will indeed retain its former name: the Palace Steak House.
  • The classic old sign will remain, but a new awning is on the way.
  • The menu will consist of comforting middle-American favorites, such as steaks (duh), pasta, burgers, and sandwiches. For the morbidly curious, here is the full menu.
  • All entrees will cost less than $15.
  • The original PFSH sign in the window for New York Cut Steak will remain, but now with an updated price of $13.75.
  • For the disco crowd, the restaurant plans to remain open until 3 am on most nights.
  • The official opening will take place next week. Probably Wednesday, give or take a day or two.

Read on for some early reviews of the food and a heated iceberg lettuce debate.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Katz Bagel Alien Found Wasting Away in 16th Street Garage

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It has been nearly three years since the marketing wizards at Katz Bagels tore down their hamburger-esque bagel alien spacecraft one fateful November morning.  Perhaps it was a wise decision, as no one as been pulverized by sesame seed signage plummeting towards the sidewalk since its removal.  Then again, no one had been crushed before its removal.

Regardless, its removal came as a shock to everyone, and for good reasons.  The Katz Bagel Alien, along with The Roxie's neon tower, the departed 17 Reason's roof-top billboard, 500 Club's glowing cocktail, and Bender's fire-soaked Victorian overhang, had been a pillar of the Mission District storefront iconography.  Fears that the spaceship would become another tragedy of Burning Man never came to fruition, but its apparent fate was far worse: The Tenderloin Geographic Society came across the old signage tossed in the back of some 16th Street garage.  As The Society notes:

I was shocked to see it, but really glad they didn't throw it away, which means I guess they *sort of* know the value of it.

It was in a garage literally adjacent to where it used to be.  I didn't take down the addy, lest someone actually try to make off with it a la Mr. Pickle.

But shouldn't someone liberate this thing?  Aren't we better off with the bagel getting covered in playa than dust?  Sure, we're all glad the bagel alien isn't rotting in a landfill, but it deserves a more dignified death than this.

Sycamore Burns Banksy

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Cranky Old Mission Guy notes:

What's up at The Sycamore? The much-tagged-over Banksy is no more, but the awful brown color remains, with the queasy addition of loads of yellow and violet. Baskin-Robbins, eat your heart out!

Judgment aside, the mural appears to be dedicated to fried eggs having fun.

Apparently fun fried egg activities include kick flips:

Painting walls:

and apparently getting impaled by street signs (see above).

And in case you're not down with the shell spawn of barnyard fowl, the new mural includes fleeing root vegetables.

[All photos by Cranky Old Mission Guy]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Hey 7X7 SHUT THE FUCK UP pt. 2

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Reader Adam sent us his thoughts about the latest issue of 7x7 Magazine:

you read this article?  the whole thing warrants derision, but read these two paragraphs in particular:

I hadn’t considered the synergy between SF’s two biggest cultural pillars until recently. It took dining at Bar Tartine with a friend who wishes to go unnamed—a tech venture capitalist invested in some of the city’s top restaurants. That night, when I started talking in wonderment about the surge of restaurant openings in SF, recession be damned, he politely suggested I get my head out of my dinner. “What boils my blood,” he said, between bites of duck leg cabbage roll stuffed with liver, house-made sauerkraut, and dried cherries, “is that people in the artist community have never understood the connection between capital and the arts. And they take it massively for granted.”

Gesticulating with a curried, pickled carrot, he broke it down historically. “Look at the rise of Florence. During the Renaissance, you had the combination of wealthy patrons and artists. The wealthy patrons allowed the artists to take risks that they’d never have been able to take if they weren’t provided for.” While sommelier Alex Fox poured us some Von Buhl Riesling, he continued, “And it’s no different today in San Francisco, where food has crossed over into an artistic experience. Chefs and bartenders here consider themselves artists.” I had a disconcerting flash of Bar Agricole’s acclaimed bartender Thad Vogler posing naked like Michelangelo’s David, shaker instead of stone in hand. “Even farmers have artistic status here,” my friend astutely observed. “Today in San Francisco, the wealth gets poured back into our modern-day values: the church of food.”

What pretentious cock suckers, not that there's anything wrong with that. Cock sucking I mean. But com'on. For fuck sake, their sense of self importance is so utterly baseless, it's astounding. Florence during the Renaissance? Really? They're talking pop-up restaurants and food trucks and they're comparing it to Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the Renaissance. Wow. That makes this little venture capitalist parasite what, one of the Medicis? OK, right, that make sense. Good thing he broke it down “historically” for the dumb fuck author. Except he neglected to mentioned one major difference, the Medici's descendants probably still run most of Italy and large parts of the world while this guy's descendants are most likely going to be working at McDonalds when all his lottery money runs out.

I feel better now. Tx.

No, thank you.

[Sightglass Coffeee photo by Niall Kennedy]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Anthony Bourdain Slaps on Pair of Wayfarers, Blows Up Dolores Park and Toronado

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

What does one say about a silver fox trying to be cool in Dolores Park?  That this signals the food cartification of Dolores Park?  That Azalina's Malaysian Crepes (pictured) will be the Hot Street Food Treat of 2011? That self-ascribed “foodies” will start saying “I was into food trucks in Dolores Park before they were cool”?  Is that even an acceptable joke anymore?

The reality is the food-centric TV host swung through Toronado, Rosamunde, Dolores Park, and Dolores Park Cafe yesterday—all four places leaders in their respective fields (slangin' beer, grilling sausages, public alcohol consumption, and being a bathroom) that probably don't need more international publicity to cement their status as San Francisco institutions.  But this is a man famous for slamming rails and burning weed in walk-in refrigerators, so maybe, just maybe, these iconic drug havens will get their proper journalist due.

Bender's Buffalo Girls are Back!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It's been 1 year, 7 months, and 29 days since Bender's took their famed deep fried seitan off their menu.  We mourned its loss, went to Weird Fish for a seitan fixed, we even cooked up a batch at home, but none of that was ever the same as putting back 12 bucks worth of wheat gluten on a table made out of fake driver's licenses while being surrounded by the signage of deceased San Francisco businesses.  Dark times.

Well, worry no more because Bender's is getting the band back together.  It's got a new name, and there's even a BBQ spin-off, but it's still the same seitan we've all come to know and love covered in Frank's RedHot.

And as if Bender's needed anything else to get me in the door, they just got a new pinball machine and recently started selling 16s of King Cobra—The Binge Drinker's Malt Liquor—for three bucks.

New "Beards and Mustaches" Bar Owned By Actual Beards and Mustaches

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Yesterday I got all antsy about the possibility of a “beards and mustaches” bar moving into the old El Rincon space at 16th and Harrison.  One of the bar's owners, Jay, followed up with some more details:

The LLC is called beards and mustaches but the actual bar/restaurant is going to be called Dear Mom. Oliver Piazza and Jay Beaman (both bartenders at Thieves Tavern) are joining up with Paul Bavaro to open the joint up. Also Laurent Katgely from Chez Spencer will be doing up the food. We're really into the neighborhood and having a warm neighborhoody place to eat and drink with reasonable prices and tasty bits. For everyone. Low key. Mellow. No live music. But you'll still be able to get a little too drunk and make out with a stranger late in the night. more info here, including a sample menu (we're still working it out but it's a start).

I'm not going to lie, I had to look up a few of the words on the menu, and Chez Spencer seems a little snobby for a Mission dive bar.  Even so, it's nineteen bucks for roast beef and open acceptence of Your God-Given Right to snog in public.  Perhaps it's not all bad.

I shot Jay some follow-up questions, and this is what he sent back:

Q: Is it going to be more of a dive like the other Thieves bars or a bit nicer?  I ask because the menu is a little more pricey than other neighborhood bar and grills (namely Bender's, Gestalt, Zeitgeist, former Ace Cafe)… 

A: yes and no. the daily specials are more but the everyday food is all under $10 bucks and we want to keep it that way. What we really want is a place where you can get good food and get loose and act like a fool (the good kind of fool). Like, what's the difference between a dive bar and a neighborhood bar? Clean bathrooms and napkins on the table. I really want to go to a bar where i can get a $6 plate of grilled asparagus and get drunk and have a spontaneous dance party to The Pointer Sisters. That's what we're going for.

Q: what kind of capacity is in that place?  I feel like that could house as many people as Bender's (150ish)

A: we're working that out with the architect now but it's fucking big. probably will end up being 150-220 (El Rincon had a capacity sign up that said 137 with stickers over it changing it to 250. Hella janky). there will be 40-50 seats around the bar (it's big) and booths that'll seat another 40 (maybe not right when we open) plus 10 whiskey barrels with 4 bar stools around them. There will also be a private room in the back that'll seat 30-50 (depending on how much you like each other). We certainly will rent it out to whomever might want it for their events but the people we really think of as VIP are bus boys and line cooks and bartenders and waiters. Our plan is that if you know us (or get to know us) get off work and want to just chill with your friends then that back room'll be yours.

Q: Planning on putting anything interesting/unique/rad as shit inside the place? (e.g. pinball, shuffleboard, indoor bike parking, skeeball, pool tables, old Area 51 arcade games, self-cleaning coke mirror in all bathrooms…)

A: pinball. one (maybe but not likely two) pool table, arcade for sure (area 51 is a great idea) internet jukebox (the back room will have it's own CD juke box so that people that rent/borrow it out can make their own mixes), a couple of TV's for Giants games. We're still working stuff out and all of this is subject to our whims/cashflow/annoyances. We're going to talk with the city about putting some nice big bike racks outside.

Q: Estimated opening date?

A: October. hopefully. 

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

"Beards and Mustaches" Coming to 16th

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

First it was El Rincon, the latino dance club on the corner of 16th and Harrison.  But after a police officer was shot outside the club last summer, it was revamped as a slightly more classy joint complete with Marcel's Kitchen serving up Louisiana soul-food.  That didn't last long either, and after being closed for months, the guys from the “Thieves” empire of Mission and TL bars have scooped it up.  Eater reports:

Looks like often despised El Rincon on 16th is being taken over by Paul Bavaro of Thieves Tavern. No active DBA yet, but their LLC is called Beards and Mustaches so if you thought the Mission couldn't get more hipster, you thought wrong.

Not completely sold on this name.  On one hand, facial hair is an acceptable fashion trend and mustaches are badassery incarnate.  On the other hand, “Beard and Mustaches” sounds like a gay fetish club, especially given it's proximity to SOMA fetish clubs and the now-defunct Eagle Tavern.  Of course, there's nothing wrong with such things, but it isn't really what I have in mind when I want to put back a shot of Buffalo Trace and sip a 16 of Pabst.

Regardless of their name, I'd bet money that they'll keep the grill going in the space, and if there's one thing the Mission gastronomic culture desperately needs, it's more cheap bar n' grills.

Update: one of the bar's owners fills us in with the details.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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