Eats and Beers

Hot New Microhood: Missionary's Wharf

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A few weeks back, tastr published a bold statement alleging 18th and Valencia was “the Wharf of the Mission.”  Naturally this accusation made me excited to the point of disorientation, as I adore sea lions and Hooters, but I've never spotted an aquatic mammal or Bubba Sparxxx purchasing narcotics from busty women along Valencia. Figuring there must be some justification for such a neighborhood-to-tourist-trap comparison, tastr followed up with an explanation:

Let’s get to the “wharf of the mission” question.  I had just come across an article on Eater that Monk’s Kettle was opening a fancier beer bar on Valencia between 17th and 18th and I couldn’t help but think that the “gourmet ghetto” on 18th was getting way out of character for the Mission.  My girlfriend has lived here for 14 years and she recalls the Mission during the dot com boom and how all these expensive restaurants opened in the Mission with total disregard for neighborhood’s character, it was a playground for the rich.  In comparison though, I was walking through the neighborhood during Carnaval and I was surprised to see all these Latino families stoop partying like I’d never seen before and I had this weird feeling about what was happening at 18th and Valencia.  Again, it’s becoming quite different from the rest of the Mission.  It’s very different from what the neighborhood was 20 years ago, and it’s getting similar to what happened during the dot com boom just over 10 years ago.  I mean come on, a fancier Monk’s Kettle?

I’m not all up-in-arms about it, but the area already has Bi-Rite, Delfina, Tartine, Bar Tartine, Luna Park, Commonwealth, and Locanda.  Coming soon is a fancy tequila bar by the Beretta people (which I’m excited about, I’m conflicted about this whole thing), Tacolicious (ugh) is opening a branch here.  That stupid Summit thing that’s just up the street.  I just don’t see that as representative of the neighborhood anymore, it’s for gastro-tourists. […]

That’s why the 18th & Valencia is the Wharf of the Mission.  Just like most people in San Francisco see the Wharf as some weird Disneyland that they only go to take their parents when they visit, I’m starting to feel the same way about that part of the Mission.  It’s not for people who live here anymore, it’s a place to take your parents when they come visit for a fancy dinner and expensive ice cream.  Perhaps it’s a tenuous argument, but when’s the tipping point?  When does that part of the neighborhood file for a name change with the realtors office?

Just sayin.

And when the tourists are done buying their morning buns, they all go watch the denizens lolling about on the green hills of Dolores, basking in the sun and barking at each other.

I love sea lions.

[tastr | photo by atomicjeep]

Bike Basket Pies rides off into the sunset

— By Alan Fineberg |

Dear, dear friend of ours Natalie Galatzer has been producing and trafficking pies for 2 years via her one-woman company, Bike Basket Pies. But as all good things must end, June is the last month to have cupcake-sized pies delivered via bicycle to your door, dog kennel, dark frightening alley, moving car, or anywhere else a bicycle can go.

Bye, bye, Miss Bike Basket Pie (photo by Andy Smith)

Grinding 50-80 hour weeks for 2 years to run a business by yourself AND work a day job is exhausting. It also deprives you of experiencing first-hand the community you're serving. Natalie is ready to return to saner hours and reconnect with a world which keeps turning as she bakes into the wee hours of morning.

June 29 is the end day to experience a Bike Basket Pie. Try a shaker lemon pie; you may indulge in Meyer lemons foraged from this blogger's own backyard!

Hyper-local lemons

Pie production and trafficking is a jungle. Welcome back, Natalie, to so-called civilization.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

"Is There Any Good Coffee Around Here?"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I found myself standing on the corner of 22nd and Valencia early on Saturday morning.  It was 7:30am and I was staring at the bright blue sky wondering what I ever did to deserve the torture of being up that early.  Suddenly, a hideously light blue BMW convertible [not pictured] pulled up next to me, breaking my meditative self-loathing.

A short, skinny bald man wearing a bluetooth emerged from behind the vehicle's tinted windows.  He was not bald in a menacing, skin-head way, but bald in the “I have nothing to show for my life other than my money” sort of way.  He leaned out the window and yelled in my general direction, “Excuse me, is there a Starbucks or any good coffee around here?”

Startled by the question, I figured I was being trolled by a friend and, in my head, quickly ran through everyone I knew and tried to recall if any of them recently aged 10 years and came into a lot of money. Nope, this man was actually asking if there was any good coffee around the Mission.  I let out a quick laugh, suggesting he was a fucking moron, pointed towards 16th and replied, “You should be able to find something in your price range along Valencia.”  With that, he thanked me and drove off.

For the following hour, I kept going over this troubling interaction in my head, which was a subject much more enjoyable to ponder than my insomnia.  In the four years I have spent in this town, I have been asked all sorts of things: “Where are the great murals around here?” “Where would you recommend I go for a burrito?” “What's the cheapest beer around?” But never once “is there a Starbucks or any good coffee around here?”  He didn't even ask “where's good coffee around here?” he specifically said “is there [..] any good coffee around here?,” suggesting the neighborhood might not even have a decent cup of joe for him to waste his money on.

I consulted my friend from Seattle on the matter and he blurted out one of his favorite sayings: “When it comes to coffee, San Francisco will always be Seattle's little retarded brother.”  Typically I'd tell someone denigrating the great city of San Francisco to eat a big bag of dicks, but maybe he has a point.  San Franciscans love to rep the city's coffee culture, but we don't even register on other people's radar.

[photo by Nick Kallen]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Clooney's is Certainly Getting A Lot of Press Lately

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Between Isaac Fitzgerald's glowing writeup in The Bold Italic and this awful video from Thrillist (PRO VIDEO EDITING TIP FROM SOMEONE WITH ZERO VIDEO EDITING EXPERIENCE: if you're going to make a video as a way to sell a glorified coupon for comfort food, don't use shitty GarageBand track. Rather, put a 15-second title screen that reads “Grab Your Fucking Bong” and then play Soul Island by The Meters. It's sorta like Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz, but with New Orleans funk and an a short made by an unpaid college intern), it appears that Clooney's and Clooney's-based restaurant The Galley are getting a fair bit of press.  Ordinarily this would be a good thing for a business, especially one like Clooney's and The Galley that don't seem to attract many customers after 4pm, but I just don't see Thrillist and Bold Italic readers embracing the place.

See, Clooney's is one of the few bars left in the Mission that you can go to on a weekend night and not leave the place wanting to move to a secluded cabin on the outskirts of Lincoln, Montana.  And for good reason. The bar's yellowing interior resembles the Hollywood set of a ghastly, Nebraska backwater dive which five road tripping youths enter before being dismembered with a dull butter knife. Quentin Tarantino's wet dream is to film a witty tête-à-tête between Steve Buscemi and a bewildered yokel in the back of the joint. It's just not the type of place that people who concern themselves with cutting-edge graphic design and saving a buck fifty at The Jelly Donut with the assistance of their $100-a-month iPhone get behind.

Then again, self-ascribed “foodies” in this town have surprised me in the past.  Bender's initial popularity could easily be traced back to its incredible Weird Fish Satellite (R.I.P.) and Mission Chinese Food always seems to have a wait despite Chronicle food critic/false prophet Michael Bauer saying it has “the best food served in the worst surroundings.”  Maybe The Galley will make it more than six months after all?

I went to Clooney's a few months back to see if The Galley could recapture the glory that was Bender's circa 2009.  When I got there, it quickly became apparently that the only thing on the menu I could eat was a PB&J for six bucks.  Six-fucking-bucks.  The only way you could get me to order a PB&J from a restaurant is if the sandwich possessed the ability to make me orgasm.  The cook told me it wouldn't make me orgasm, which I'm guessing is for sanitary reasons, so I didn't order any food.

I sat at the bar with my friends, looking at the taps trying to figure out what to order.  An old man from across the bar drunkenly yelled at me to order a “Working Man's Martini.”

In my five years of semi-professional alcohol consumption, I had never heard of such a beverage.  I pressed the geezer for more information.

“It's a pint of Busch with two olives dropped in it.”

It sounded like a con, but I ordered it anyway. Turned out to be delicious!

So I sat at the bar, drinking my “Working Man's Martini” and proceeded to listen to the old men harass the cooks at The Galley.

“What's the special today?,” asked a man no younger than 60.

The cook muttered something back with four or five adjectives that neither impressed the old men nor myself.

“Can I give you money right now to go to the Safeway, buy me a steak and potatoes, and cook that up?”

The cook muttered something back that was essentially “no.”

“Then what the fuck good are you for?,” and all the drunk old men laughed.

Original Formula Four Loko Spotted Aging in North Beach Basement Next to a Trash Can

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

According to tastr, Church Key “[takes] beer so seriously that they’ve been ‘cellar aging’ four loko circa 2010, waiting for just the right moment to unleash a tasting party for the ages.”  Considering some internet random with a cellphone was able to get access to their basement, I'm guessing “the right moment” will be whenever “someone” liberates the case from its neglectful owners. [link]

Mission Mission Is Leading A Bloody Mary Crawl on Sunday!

— By Alissa |

What an excellent way to spend Memorial Day! Our friends over at Mission Mission are hosting their second Bloody Marython this Sunday at various bars around the neighborhood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How delicious does that thing look? Asparagus, celery, green beans AND a pickle?! Its really more like a salad than a drink, which makes this event more of a health initiative than a bar crawl so clearly you should do what's good for you and show up on Sunday and eat some veggies. But I never met a bloody mary I didn't like, so its not like you need to talk me into it. More details from Mission Mission: 

Please join us at 12 noon this Sunday for the next installment of the Mission Mission Bloody Marython.  We haven’t exactly solidified the route yet, but at the moment the idea is to hit up (in roughly this order):

  • Thieves Tavern (14th @ Guerrero) – home of the vegan bloody mary
  • The Attic (24th @ Mission) – tiny cubes of cheese!
  • Pop’s (24th @ York) – maybe we can get some BBQ too
  • Phone Booth (26th and S. Van Ness) – a dark horse contender
  • Argus Lounge (Mission @ Valencia) – everyone keeps saying I need to try these

Sounds like a plan. Check out the Facebook event here too. See y'all on Sunday!

(Photo by Mike Chino)

Local Restaurant Owner Being A Dick To Employees

— By Alissa |

Mission resident Landyacht spotted this sign the other day calling for the boycott of Esperento and Picaro. While I agree with him that the food there can be “pretty lousy,” I have been known to go to town on some of their patatas bravas from time to time. More info from Raise The Fist:

The San Francisco Solidarity Network is calling for a boycott of Picaro and Esperento restaurants until the demands of a former worker are met. The owner Luise Muela never allowed lunch breaks and refused to pay overtime for shifts that were at times as long as 12 hours. The former employee and the SF solidarity network demand that compensation be given for unpaid overtime and the denied lunch breaks. Solidarity with restaurant workers! Don't eat at Picaro or its sister sister restaurant until our demands are met.

So maybe next time you're wandering around the Mission looking to chow down on some rabbit stew,  you'll give this place the slip and head elsewhere.

Why is Post Making a Churros Cereal (And Why Did No One Tell Me About It?)

— By Ed Stevenson |

I received a package in the mail from my mother on Friday. See, it is my birthday this week (Yes, I am a year older. No, you are not invited.) and my mother likes to show me how much she loves me by sending me presents purchased from Family Dollar. Me me me me.

Eager to learn what bounty has been bestowed upon me, I opened up my package and was greeted by a box wrapped in faded newspaper and a card on top. A simple card, “Happy Birthday Son!” with a picture of a deformed cartoon animal. Inside reads “churroschurroschurroschurroschurroschurroschurroschurroschurros” (you get the idea) and “Love, Mom” in red pen.

Puzzled, I tore open the rotting relic of journalism and my eyes were immediately accosted by a box of Post Mini Cinnamon Churros cereal. Why must Post take such a great feat of culinary engineering and reduce it to the Cinnamon Twist of breakfast cereals? The answers was soon apparent, as it is actually quite good. It resembles Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but made for people who prefer their breakfast cereal to have a questionable mascot and be packaged in a box covered in anuses farting milk.

I called my mother and asked where she purchased such a treat. “Big Lots,” she replied. “It was on sale for two dollars a box.”

Take note, everyone.

Looks Like Rolling Rock is Going After the Prized 'Young Urban Trendsetter' Demographic

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It appears that the new Belgian owners of Rolling Rock have figured out that “the kids” don't like being marketed to and prefer the minimal packaging of simpler times.  Ordinarily I'd hate on Rolling Rock for missing the mark on this—part of the cachet of PBR/Tecate/High Life/Hamm's/Olympia is that their packaging has always looked shitty and they haven't had national television campaigns during major sporting events in recent memory.  This, on the other hand, is a blatant attempt to pander to the—dare I say it—“hipster” market, thus making it inherently lame.

So yes, ordinarily I'd say all that and then some; however, the new Rolling Rock “Throwback” was the cheapest 12 on the Castro Safeway's shelf, which landed it a prized spot in my refrigerator.  I can only imagine that if Rolling Rock keeps dominating the cheap beer race to the bottom, it will become the park beer of 2011.

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