Mission District

No Cuts For Mark Zuckerberg at Wise Sons

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Mark Zuckerberg, the infamous founder of Facebook worth $20 billion (or whatever half of that is), has been waiting in line for brunch at Wise Sons Jewish Delicatessen for the last 30 minutes.  According to Uptown Almanac's Jewish sources, his appearance is underwhelming in the wake of Woody Allen's recent meal at the establishment.  This is only further illustrated by the fact that Woody skipped the line, care of a special reservation the restaurant gave him, whereas Zuckerberg was left to stand in line like a chump.

“I mean, this is no Larry David sighting at Canter's,” one Jewish source noted, “but it'll do.”

Note: as of press time, Mark Zuckerberg was still in line.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Ronald McDonald Fights to Protect the Mission's Irish Heritage

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I guess Ron McDonald is getting worried that recent foodrification of Valencia Street might upset the tradition Irish/Latino working class nature of the Mission District, because he's perched up on a building on 18th and Valencia, lunging molotovs at people even considering eating at Farina Pizza.  And it's driving him positively fucking crazy… just look at that mug:

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

City Shuts Down Casanova's Turntable

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Bad news, folks.  We're being told that city officials paid a visit to renowned happy hour hotspot Casanova a few weeks back, telling the bewildered staff they had to unplug their turntable perched at the end of the bar immediately, or they'd close the place up for good.

This is what Casanova DJ Jacob Guillermo Peña had to say about the situation:

Y'know, it's a bummer to think about all the little niches that are gonna go unfilled without Casanova Lounge having DJs. I mean, I understand the decision. But really, there were some great folks playing some nice records there. I know you can hear some of em over at Hemlock (Caroline plays some great records for happy hour, you should really hear em) but some of these other nights would NEVER go over well at a “club”. I've been turned on to a ton of great records while hanging out there. Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there. I know Doyle's gonna have a killer jukebox (no, for real) but it's just not the same. Anyhow, I need to go there for a drink now. Cheers y'all.

Apparently, the city objected to the bar's lack of a cabaret license, and told them they had apply for a license ($1,600) and soundproof the joint ($8,000) if they ever wanted to do so much as plug an iPod in again.  This, of course, seems particularly heavy-handed, given that Casanova is typically known for spinning slow jams at a reasonable volume—hardly a club, or even a rowdy dive bar. Alas, that's the situation.

DJ Sonny Phono has some thoughts on what's going on:

This summer has been one of the busiest on that area, and right after a kid got murdered on 16th the guillotine dropped hard. I know a lot of the Vice/ABC officers from my time at [111 Minna] and they tell me they work almost exclusively in the Mission this year. There's a much bigger picture [than NIMBYs] and a lot of it has to do with a basic liquor license being worth half a mil in that neighborhood, not just dudes with wicked record collections nerding out on each other.

I guess it's not just $15 burgers we have to worry about now…

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Armory Club, A New Bar From Kink.com, Revealed

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After Kink.com evicted the beloved Ace Cafe a year ago by jacking up the rent, described as “a real dickish sitch” at the time, they slowly got to work renovating the spot.  Rumors that the porn factory is converting the old biker bar into a cocktail lounge appears to be true: they dropped the plywood surrounding the building a few days ago to reveal a sleek slate-covered exterior and other amenities unknown to the old Ace Cafe, like windows.

Our friend Stephanie, who swung in yesterday and chatted with a construction worker, tells us it'll be called “The Armory Club,” is pretty damn dark inside, and doesn't look a whole lot like the old place.  The onsite worker didn't know exactly when it would be opened, but he seemed to think it would be soon.

Unfortunately, there were no stripper poles, chains, or dildo chandeliers found inside.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Weird Fish: "Under Old Management"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

We've had a sort of love/hate relationship with Weird Fish.  Initially, we couldn't get enough of their food (and offshoot at Bender's, R.I.P.).  But then Bain Capital bought them out or something, the restaurant kept changing hands, the food became shittier and shittier and we stopped wasting our time.

Well, apparently it's time to give them another shot, because our buddy Jefferson ate their last night and it sounds like everything is back in order:

You'll remember Weird Fish started out super vegan-friendly. Waitress said they got a new owner who hired a new chef who brought in meat. Non-fish meat. The pescatarians and the vegans showed up to find all the vegan options gone from the menu. It was lame. I stopped eating there.

But the old owner took over again a few months ago.  They brought back all of the vegan options. My dinner last night was great. Battered tofu and chips with a vegan tarter sauce and vegan cheesecake.  They also had a vegan chorizo tostada on the menu and two kinds of vegan tacos.

The waitress said they wanted to put up a sign that said “Under Old Management.”

[Photo by Cameo Wood]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Tamale Lady Jokes and Mission Trivia

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Ignoring how incredibly sad it is they had to cross out the “Cold Beer” part of Cold Beer Cold Water's name, these Mission Trivia kids have me totally hooked in and I'm fiending to know how this joke ends.  Also, what is Mission Trivia exactly?  They promise neighborhood-centric categories like “A Park Called Dolores”, “Hipster or Homeless”, “Startups and Shutdowns”, and “Local Celebrities”, but that isn't particularly telling.  Are they asking easy ones like, “what's the name of the lunatic sloppily singing homophobic love songs outside the Social Security Building on Valencia?” (A: “Omer”, also acceptable: “Bum Jovi”), or is it a bit more challenging… say, “what's the chorus of the birthday song Omer sings?” (A: “blargh blarh argh largh BLARGH ba ba bahhhhh HAPPPPP-IEEEEE BURTHDAY”, also acceptable: “indiscernible”)?

Anyway, I guess we're all going to have to pile into Gestalt Monday night and find out.

[Photo by Eddie Codel]

Walnut Creek Residents Not Happy with Parklet Program

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

KTVU headed out to the Mission last week to get the scoop on our love of parklets.  But, gosh darn golly, some people aren't stoked with removing parking spaces for small public parks.  In fact, folks from Walnut Creek and San Jose think that our beloved parklets are making it difficult to park in the city, suggesting it's time for San Francisco to put limits on the program.

But don't worry, for now we have nothing to fear… for now:

The next round of parklet permits will be issued in the fall, but now, the city has no plans to put any limits in place.

[KTVU]

The Hip Sameness of Brooklyn and the Mission

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

As you might have heard, Rosamunde is opening another Mission Street-style sausage bar on Williamsburg's ever-popular Bedford Ave later this month.  While this news doesn't really seem to impact us here in San Francisco, Olu Johnson opines that this trend of bi-coastal urban neighborhood gems could be worse than the “endless drag of chain dining” found in bland suburbs:

When Blue Bottle, Mission Chinese, Rosamunde, (and to a lesser extent 826 Valencia) open up in Brooklyn and Austin, (and Detroit? Capitol Hill?, U Street?)- it creates a parallel urban universe of hip sameness. And worse, it means there is no more reason to travel. Why go to Billy'sburg or Red Hook if i'm just going to see the same bands, eat the same food, drink the same coffee, and be surrounded by graduates of the same 30 institutions, that I am when I'm in Lower Noe (aka Hayes Valley East aka the Mission)?

Maybe Olu's right—who needs Blue Bottle when there's Second Stop? Or Rosamunde when there's Bushwick Country Club serving complimentary Cheetos?  Brooklyn is obviously a world-class bohemian sandbox that doesn't need San Francisco institutions to make it worthwhile. (Although, as someone who recently spent a lot of time in Williamsburg, to say it's starting to look like the Mission because of a few restaurants is a huge stretch.  They still have a thriving street art scene, and warehouse parties, and a music scene.  Also, no one there wears messenger bags.  So, yeah, pretty different.)

But on the flip side, there's always that sameness, that comfort, people seek out when traveling.  Like how we gravitate towards the same 10 restaurants every time we pull off the highway, who wants to risk a questionable meal at some unknown Bedford hotspot when the tried-and-true Rosamunde is Right Down The Street?  If anything, Rosamunde is saving us from the risk and horror of experimentation while on the road, all while getting us drunk on “fun sausagey cocktails.”

[Butterfly Stories]

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