When I went to check out The Armory Club last weekend, I was SHOCKED to learn that ice cubes can be more than just frozen water—they can be used to communicate elegance…class…panache (I don't know what panache means).  In the rough-and-tumble world of $9 cocktails, ice makes the difference between which bar people stumble into and which they stumble past.

But, as you may recall, ice cubes are slave food—ice balls are “the real hotness right now.”  And fortunately for us, Gizmodo recently took a look at what goes into making an ice ball:

It watches like a Disney Channel remake of Breaking Bad, where Walty White opted to make The Finest Ice In All of Brooklyn instead of delicious, teeth-melting meth.  But it's not all hype, it really is a superior product:

Not all ice is created equal. Sother Teague gave us this example—bite into an ice cube in a fresh drink. It's hard, and then it shatters like glass. A minute later, if you bite it again, it kind of squishes and squeaks a little. That's the effect of low-density ice. Clear, dense ice, frozen slowly using this lake effect, can last a half hour before it starts to soften up.

But beyond that, custom-frozen giant chunks give a bartender much more creativity and control. What could be better, for example, than a clear sphere of ice? The thing you see in the video is the Cirrus Ice Ball Press. Using gravity to apply pressure, the metal wicks heat, melting the ice in about a minute, which really looks like magic. You're left with a 2.75-inch-diameter, six-ounce sphere of ice. In a rocks glass, it will last you a loooong time—a sphere is the ideal shape for ice to retain its heat. One ball should last you several drinks.

God bless America.

[Gizmodo]

I somehow managed to get into The Armory Club's exclusive opening night party this past weekend (read: I showed up at the door and asked if I could come in) and got to check out first hand what they're up to.  First of all, Kink.com spared no expense in making the place look like Rickhouse.  They took a beer bar that basically amounted to a dude's garage with a pool table and turned it into a glowing oasis that tricks you into paying $9 for a cocktail and putting on pants that aren't cut off at the knees.  I mean, just look at their stunning new ceiling:

See?  Fancy.  Also, their bathrooms are clean and their cocktail menu is made out of metal and could easily be used to bludgeon various small animals to death.  But, moving on…

I don't know a lot about cocktails, nor do I ever really go to cocktail bars.  Needless to say, I'm not completely clued into foodie mixology trends.  So when they served me a drink with three ice cubes that happened to be the size of SpongeBob's grotesquely inflamed testicles, I was fucking outraged.  Only three ice cubes?  What the fuck is this shit?  I paid nine dollars for this goddamn thing, I expected to get my money's worth.

As I angrily signed up for a Yelp account, the man sitting to my right put his hand in his date's face and turned to me:

Bad Date: Not to interrupt, but big ice cubes are really “in” right now.

Me: What?

Bad Date: Yeah, bigger ice cubes are a sign of elegance.  There was more thought put into these ice cubes.

Me: I think I want my money back.

Bad Date: See, the thinking is one larger ice cube will melt slower than a few smaller ice cubes because there is less surface area in relation to volume.  You know, thus not watering down your cocktail as quickly.

Me: Oh.  Yeah, melting ice cubes isn't a problem for me.

Bad Date: Why?

Me: Never mind.  I need another drink.

Bad Date: But square ice cubes are on their way out, the real hotness right now is ice balls.

Me: Jesus.

Bad Date: Yeah, a real classy place has a heated metal device that costs around $300 and melts a giant ice cube into a circular ice ball.  See, that way there is even less surface area than an ice cube because there are no edges.  They'll just plop one giant ball in your class.

Me: Makes sense.

Bad Date: The whole thing is stupid anyway, because if the ice cube theoretically melted slower, it wouldn't be keeping your drink cool.  In reality, they melt all the same, it's just that the bigger cubes last longer.

We went on chatting about cocktail culture for a few minutes before I reminded him he came to the bar with someone and our conversation came to an end.  But, yeah, look out for giant ice balls in the Mission!

(Oh, and here's a bonus picture of a piece of artwork on The Armory Club's wall:)

Because there is no Wendy's within San Francisco city limits and thus no easy way for the citizenry to discretely murder themselves, Bender's has added this frightening thing to their menu: Donut Bacon Cheeseburger.  With tots.

I didn't personally sample the new fare, as my arteries were already clogged with a burrito, but my friend remarked it was “real fucking good” before sketching off to find a quite place to be gassy.

Anyway, it's only on the menu for a reportedly “limited time only,” so if you have been fiending for some digestive stupidity in the land of arugula and avocado, you best get over there soon.

After laying low for a year or so, the overbite Rad Dog has returned to dish out some ever-necessary dinner recommendations.  This time?  In the Dolores Park portapotties, generally the last place I want to be while thinking about what's for dinner (although the floor of the thing looked a whole lot like a slice of Escape).

On a related note, it seems like the city in going into the portapotties with steel wool or something and scrapping tags off the plastic walls, which has to be one of the gnarliest jobs left in the city.