What I Learned at The Armory Club's Opening Night Party

I somehow managed to get into The Armory Club's exclusive opening night party this past weekend (read: I showed up at the door and asked if I could come in) and got to check out first hand what they're up to.  First of all, Kink.com spared no expense in making the place look like Rickhouse.  They took a beer bar that basically amounted to a dude's garage with a pool table and turned it into a glowing oasis that tricks you into paying $9 for a cocktail and putting on pants that aren't cut off at the knees.  I mean, just look at their stunning new ceiling:

See?  Fancy.  Also, their bathrooms are clean and their cocktail menu is made out of metal and could easily be used to bludgeon various small animals to death.  But, moving on…

I don't know a lot about cocktails, nor do I ever really go to cocktail bars.  Needless to say, I'm not completely clued into foodie mixology trends.  So when they served me a drink with three ice cubes that happened to be the size of SpongeBob's grotesquely inflamed testicles, I was fucking outraged.  Only three ice cubes?  What the fuck is this shit?  I paid nine dollars for this goddamn thing, I expected to get my money's worth.

As I angrily signed up for a Yelp account, the man sitting to my right put his hand in his date's face and turned to me:

Bad Date: Not to interrupt, but big ice cubes are really “in” right now.

Me: What?

Bad Date: Yeah, bigger ice cubes are a sign of elegance.  There was more thought put into these ice cubes.

Me: I think I want my money back.

Bad Date: See, the thinking is one larger ice cube will melt slower than a few smaller ice cubes because there is less surface area in relation to volume.  You know, thus not watering down your cocktail as quickly.

Me: Oh.  Yeah, melting ice cubes isn't a problem for me.

Bad Date: Why?

Me: Never mind.  I need another drink.

Bad Date: But square ice cubes are on their way out, the real hotness right now is ice balls.

Me: Jesus.

Bad Date: Yeah, a real classy place has a heated metal device that costs around $300 and melts a giant ice cube into a circular ice ball.  See, that way there is even less surface area than an ice cube because there are no edges.  They'll just plop one giant ball in your class.

Me: Makes sense.

Bad Date: The whole thing is stupid anyway, because if the ice cube theoretically melted slower, it wouldn't be keeping your drink cool.  In reality, they melt all the same, it's just that the bigger cubes last longer.

We went on chatting about cocktail culture for a few minutes before I reminded him he came to the bar with someone and our conversation came to an end.  But, yeah, look out for giant ice balls in the Mission!

(Oh, and here's a bonus picture of a piece of artwork on The Armory Club's wall:)

Comments (10)

I was expecting a photo taken in a bathroom mirror of a coked-up Kevin banging a porn star. Disappointing.

Thank god SOMEONE is trying to alleviate SF’s tragic shortage of places to buy expensive cocktails.

How did the drink taste?

like balls

They do the same ice shit at the Hideout, but I guess that seems more acceptable because it’s a cramped, largely undecorated back room.

Nice ceiling. But I’m still not going to their boring-ass bar.

Kevin,
I really like Uptown Almanac. I think you’re viewpoint is spot on. I always wonder why there aren’t many comments. You know, like, um, that other blog, the one with the stutter stutter name always has more comments. It makes me worry that you’ll lose interest and go away. Please don’t. Anyway I see that dynamic twosome Eric and Deth head are reporting in with their typical inanity. So maybe there is hope.

Signed,

Big fan

PS. I never see you in the neighborhood and I see you post on things where I was also. I’ve seen that other shorter guy from stutter stutter, but not you. Are you some kind of unseen super hero?

You fucking child. Don’t review bars around men. Was the bathroom safe or not? Don’t open your mouth until you know the score. You have no business partying around men.

There was a shooting in front of Kink’s new place at 9pm tonight, likely 1+ dead. Part of the N/S gang war going on.

So, because I was in the area, refreshed my recollection of Rickhouse.
Newp, doesn’t look like the Armory Club…

The Armory Club is at least 20x nicer, and has better artwork.

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