Four Loko

For the Children

San Francisco Declares Victory Against Dark Forces of Four Loko

— By Jackson West (@jacksonwest) |

Just in time for you to have forgotten that Four Loko still existed, especially since any memories of drinking it are probably pretty hazy, San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera has made a settlement announcement with the manufacturer following his 2010 campaign to ban the drink. Chicago-based Phusion Products has agreed to stop marketing its fruit-flavored, formerly caffeinated and extra-strength malt liquor alcopops known as Four Loko to minors:

One innovative clause in the agreement obliges Phusion to monitor its social media pages to crack down on and delete posts showing irresponsible behavior. Prior entries from users on Four Loko social media sites include “My baby boy is a result of my drunken Four binge of wonder,” and, in response to the question “What Loko Starts the Perfect Saturday Night?” the answer “The one in the 17 year olds hands [sic].”

Phusion also agrees to stop “promoting the drinks on college campuses, avoiding depictions of underage drinkers in their advertising, and ending marketing practices that promote rapid or excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages.” The company will also abstain from “depicting Santa Claus in its advertisements, depicting anyone driving a motor vehicle while drinking alcohol, and depicting the consumption of their products by persons exhibiting clear signs of intoxication.”

So whichever ad agency creatives already mocked up a campaign for the Vice holiday guide with an animated takeover of Santa slamming a can of Four Loko while stumbling out of his sleigh to deliver cases to children really has their work cut out for them.

[Photo: Dana]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Four 'Poco' Loko Hits Shelves!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After a long two weeks of anticipation, the new 'Poco' Loko has landed on Mission bodega shelves, taking the traditional 23.5oz, 11% ABV tire fire of technicolor vomit and crippling hangovers and scales it back to a kid safe 8% ABV 16 ounce can.

The intriguingly nauseating green apple is almost sold out, so it's probably a good idea to get out of bed, run over to your nearest corner store, and just start drinking now.

[Photo by lurk.skate.sf]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

BREAKING NEWS: The Fourpocalypse Is Still Upon Us!

— By Zach Perkins |

DISCLAIMER: NO GRAPHIC DESIGNERS WERE EMPLOYED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BILLBOARD.

Having risen from the ashes of fallen 2k10 memes, the Four Horseman of the Fourpocalyspe ride again to deliver cryptic billboard messages to East Bay commuter drones. Thankfully, the sexy/multiracial news team at News 4 is providing minute to minute coverage of this “breaking news”; Four Loko is now ingestible in a bottled form. Follow up investigation reports that the new 'Poco Loko' 16oz cans will also hit the shelves soon, delivering sugar and shit quality alcohol in a smaller form factor to better infiltrate your life. 

But as for the mysterious new slogan “EVERYTHING'S GONE”, News 4 seems stumped.  Is this a reference to the caffeine and other stimulants that have since been removed from the Four Loko formula? Perhaps a nod to the once dwindling and now extinct supply of 'pre-ban' Lokos from our nation's bodegas?? Or has the Fourapture come to whisk devout cans of Loko away before the coming Fourpocalypse??? 

Something tells me that 'News 4' won't be doing much coverage of any Four Loko related deaths. 

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Oakland Duo Takes Limo to Dolores Park to Rap About Four Loko

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This video has it all: dancing on park benches, facial expressions that capture the true taste of Four Loko, crowd surfing in a Shell gas station parking lot…

… and it even has Unchill AZN Bro flashing his whitie tighties:

Shit's gross as hell, but if you listen to the lyrics, there's some real gems in there.  A tatted white girl talking about putting people into a hearse.  Pronouncements that Four Loko never went away.  Real talk.

Give it a watch:

(Thanks Sally!)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Original Formula Four Loko Spotted Aging in North Beach Basement Next to a Trash Can

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

According to tastr, Church Key “[takes] beer so seriously that they’ve been ‘cellar aging’ four loko circa 2010, waiting for just the right moment to unleash a tasting party for the ages.”  Considering some internet random with a cellphone was able to get access to their basement, I'm guessing “the right moment” will be whenever “someone” liberates the case from its neglectful owners. [link]

First Look: Blast by Colt 45

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Back in October, it was revealed that Pabst Brewing's new douchebro owners were working with Snoop Dogg to develop a line of flavored Colt 45.  Everyone rightfully rolled their eyes at the obvious attempt to go after the controversy-plagued Sparks/Four Loko/fortified wine market.  After all, strawberry lemonade is anything but beer—it's a Juicy Juice flavor.  But we were able to get our hands on a case of the prototype “Blast by Colt 45” and, well, my expectations of this 12.5% ABV fruity monstrosity tasting like wolf piss were wrong.

A few of us took a few bottles to Dolores Park the other day to give the grape and blueberry pomegranate flavors a spin.  Honestly, Blast tastes pretty mediocre straight out of the bottle. Having it on the rocks helps, but the idea of drinking malt liquor on the rocks deeply disturbs me and makes me fear for the future of our country.

Finally, after thinking that Blast was merely 'meh', we decided to cut it with some 7up and, honestly, it made the booze the fucking game.  Apparently Colt 45 intends to start shipping this stuff to bodegas soon, but I hope for their sake they lower the ABV and put some more carbonation in it because if they do, it'll be a game changer.  The mix goes tastes just like grape soda and blue raspberry Slush Puppies.  The Marin Institute will blow a circuit over it.  Rappers in Ohio will be rhyming in the streets.  High schoolers everywhere will be getting alcohol poisoning.  It'll be fantastic.

When a malt liquor turns your tongue blue, you know know it's the jam.

To be clear, when I first tasted Four Loko a year ago, I thought it was proof that God loves us and wants our vomit to smell like rotten watermelon.  I drank Sparks by the case in college.  And I'm more apt to reach for a Sunkist than a Coke.  Perhaps that makes me biased.  However, all the other Four Loko fiends that tasted this stuff agreed: Colt 45 has upped the high fructose corn syrup beer game.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

COOL KID TASTE TEST: The New Four Loko

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

You can blame my inability to take a decent photograph for why I couldn't get a shot of us ACTUALLY pouring the Loko into the glasses.

Last night, four (ha!) of the foremost (okay, I'll stop) Mission District experts on Four Loko gathered to sample the new, fun-free caffeine-free formula.  And, I'm sorry to say, it's pretty terrible.  Now I'm not saying Four Loko was great in the first place, but it was passable given how cheap of a drunk it was.  Well, it's still 12% alcohol sugar-water, so even though I was 'way gone' by the end of the evening, the taste was much worse than the original.  None of us could quite put our finger on it, but at one point, the words “acid” and “blood urine” were thrown out there.

Now, to be fair, none of us went into this excepting it to taste any good, so perhaps our perception of the drink was purely psychological, but somehow I doubt it.  Plus, I didn't want to go on a caffeine-fueled terror spree through the city afterwards.  The horror! 

Anyway, if you want to ingest 23.5oz of drunk fructose for yourself, head to the market on 22nd and Mission next to Popeye's.  Pick up some aspirin and an It's-It while you're at it.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Four Loko Now Selling For $20/can on Craigslist

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Twenty goddamn dollars a can.  Besides the OMG CAPS LOCK, the dramatic list of 'reviews' and the fact the the poster calls the batch “magical,” my favorite part of this review is how obvious it is that the poster bought the stock at a packie minutes before posting the classified (via the black bodega bag).

For the interested, I'd recommend skipping Craigslist for now, as you can still find it at a bunch of bodegas in the Mission (and likely other neighborhoods).  One store on Capp is selling them for $4/can because “that's what people will pay.”  Another on Folsom is charging $3.25.  However, another on Mission refused to sell his backstock, even after we offered him $8/can, because he was terrified the city would shut down the store if he sold off his stock, so maybe you better act fast.

(link)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Four Loko Officially Sparks 2.0

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The New York Times is reporting that Four Loko is finally going the way of our beloved friend Sparks (R.I.P.):

The company that produces the Four Loko beverage said it will remove the caffeine and two other ingredients from its products after facing a cascade of criticism and regulatory scrutiny for producing the energy drinks, which combine high levels of the stimulant with alcohol.

The announcement comes as the Food and Drug Administration was expected to take a stand on the drinks, perhaps as early as Wednesday. The company, in a statement, acknowledged that it was acting in response to the threat of government action. (link)

Now the question is, what's next?  If history tells us anything, something else (presumably stronger and more disgusting) will take its place.  Personally, if I were to create a Sparks/Loko/Joose/Tilt knockoff, the can would make disparaging comments about people under the age of 23 so gramps wouldn't get confused about who it was marketed to.

In the meantime, go clean out your local bodega and fire up that Sparks cook lab.

Finally, I'd like to leave you with what could be the best string of words ever put together about the beverage.  From the exceptionally rad blog, Fresh Off the Boat:

So, I drink a lot of four loko and its dope. That's really all there is to it. I like gummy bears and I like alcohol that taste like malt liquor gummy bears. The whole crack down is comedy to me. I found this stuff earlier this year around March. I started seeing cans of it on the curb, mad people on the bus were drinking it, and the cans looked like sizzurp fucked an arizona iced tea. It was kinda crunk. I had one can and knew it was going to blow up.

I fux with four loko cause its a wild-out concept and gets right to the point. It blatantly is created to get you blitzed really cheap and there is no pretension. It's an HONEST product. I love it. It's the moonlight bunny ranch of malt liquors. “Get in, get out, that's a OG's classic.” This is the only time in my life I will ever quote Memphis Bleek, but sometimes mo-fuckers say some real shit. [Read On]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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