Scary Larry

The Make-Out Room is Streaming Video of You Getting Wasted (Brought to You by The Silver Bullet)

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Jake from the SF Weekly brings to our attention a story from The East Bay Express about BarSpace.tv, the new iPhone app that lets you creep on people getting their drink on while you furiously masturbate in your iPhone-equipped fetish dungeon.  From EB Express:

Founded by a handful of Sonoma County entrepreneurs, the app, BarSpace, and its related Website, BarSpace.tv, employ a simple concept: Install cameras in bars and nightclubs and then streams that video live through a free iPhone app, as well as through the company's Website. The cameras are installed and paid for by BarSpace; each bar decided the hours between which they'd like to transmit a video stream.

The idea, according to the company's CEO, Mike Deignan, is that people can use the app to see whether bars are full or empty — or even whether their favorite bartender is working that night or what the dress code is. Essentially, BarSpace makes it possible to find out what you're getting into, in real time and straight from the source — to gauge a bar's atmosphere against your own expectations and inclinations, without ever leaving your home (or, in some cases, paying a cover). […]

But according to Chris Conley, a technology and civil liberties attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union's Northern California chapter, BarSpace — and technology like it — raises serious questions about personal freedom in the digital age. “Broadly speaking, we would be concerned as a civil liberties issue,” he said, emphasizing that he wasn't familiar with BarSpace itself and thus couldn't speak about it specifically. “The concerns that we would have are, first, that people are actually aware of what's going on — that people know they're being filmed and that picture is being sent across the Internet to who-knows-where. The bottom line is, people need to be part of the equation.”

Most of the bars on the list shouldn't impact the readers of the this blog, and the chaotic lighting of The Make-Out Room and the speeding phallis of Red State intoxication blurs the faces of many of its patrons (although the view of the stage is looking mighty fine).  Even so, who wants to be the lone guy singing karaoke in The Mint while there's still daylight?

Just Another Tuesday Night at Mission Hill Saloon

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I don't go to Mission Hill Saloon nearly often enough, but after reading about the mayhem that goes down there on tastr, I'm tempted to change my ways:

Tonight at the Saloon, a man of many addictions with a bike seat necklace, walked into the bar and demanded a drink. When denied, he turned around and promptly downed a shot of hot wax from the candle nearest him. He stared everyone deep into their eyes and walked out. Wtf?

And if that isn't enough insanity for you, be sure to read up on their Buffalo Trace / Session Lager drink special.

Toxic Beach Seems Like As Good a Place As Any For a Pet Cemetery

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Here rests the corpse of Fluffy and San Francisco's industrial spirit.

Dogpatch's Toxic Beach has been going through quite the revival lately.  The city recently built a new park just up the road, all the walls are freshly painted, the notorious waist-high weeds have been cut down to nice grass, a neighbor has planted a flower garden, and now the park is home to a bizarre rock garden that resembles a twisted and terrible pet cemetery.

“Well Billy, if hadn't put your chocolate soy milk bottle in the wrong recycling bin maybe Mr. Barkley wouldn't have died.”

While I'm sure there are no animals actually buried at the reclaimed tire dump, there's nearly a dozen monuments to pets: a dog, lizard, snake, bird, and more than three turtles.

One of Toxic Beach's resident homeless claims a guy shows up “almost everyday” to work on the monuments with the Port Authorities' blessings, but the evidence left behind suggests that this is not the work of a man who obtains permission from various elected, appointed, or paid authorities, but rather goes about his business with Frank Chu-like zeal:

On a slightly unrelated note: while leaving Toxic Beach after taking these snaps, a large and menacing animal control officer stopped my friend and I to ask us if we saw a “large black dog” running around the park, “looking distressed or scared.”  We dismissed this inquiry at the time, but now I can't help but feel that the ghost of Mr. Barkley is roaming the streets of Potrero Hill, looking to punish Billy for his blue bin apathy.

Tenderloin Catcalls Presented on a Harmless, Non-Threatening Medium

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Speaking of unwanted attention, sometimes sexual harassment is funny! (Sometimes, almost never, maybe if it's a movie starring Charlie Day).  Someone is out there chronicling the sexual advances of the Tenderloin's crackhead nobility and, if you do a good job visualizing the charmed and beautiful faces making the comments, it's pretty fucking funny. [@TLcatcalls]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Local Cyclist Thwarts Meth Head's Attempt to Steal Bike Parts

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

We all know that photographing bike thieves is nothing new.  The Mission has unmasked Bobby the Bike Thief (who's rumored to have moved to the hilltop oasis of Bernal Heights), mid-Market has its share of crack fiend and pony-tailed thieves, and this stunning beauty was recently exposed by local photographer Adumb Egan.  While SFPD might never make bike thieft a priority, it's always rad to hear about people watching out for these guys and getting people their stolen property back, as Austin Kamps was recently able to do:

Ran into this guy today. I watched him creep around Montgomery street for a while from a distance, until he found “his” bike.

He finds a bike and then pretends to talk on the phone for a few minutes, then takes his tool out and hides it behind his phone while he unscrews and yanks the seat/post. This happened about a block away. After he did that, I followed him a bit and snuck up to him/scared the shit out of him and ripped it from his hands as he was trying to put it in his bag, then i gave him a “nudge” into the street with my foot. We went back and forth for a bit then he ran off. I ended up getting it back to the owner when he came out a few minutes later.  Saddest part was that there were 4 people around him watching him do it, they knew what was happening, they did nothing. If you see something bad happening do something, put your life on hold for a second and help out if you’re able. Don’t let creeps like this ruin someones day.

Word.

[Skinny Fists | photo by Adumb Egan]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

'MacBook' Recovered, Thief in Fetal Position at Local Jail

— By Zach Perkins |

Fact: the fetal position is not an effective deterant for jail rape.

It's starting to look like 'This Guy Has My MacBook' was actually NOT a marketing ploy by HiddenApp. Last night, after the story received national media attention (and the Oakland PD received calls from Good Morning America), the man pictured in various compromising positions on Josh Kaufman's tumblr was arrested and his MacBook recovered.  
 
Muthanna Aldebashi, an Alameda cab and limo driver, was lured by police into picking them up for his car service.  The MacBook was found in his home and he was arrested for possessing stolen property.  Thee-o-so-creepy-one claimed that he was given the laptop as a gift, and the identity of the actual thief is still unknown.  So there you go tech investors, now might be a good time to throw some money at HiddenApp, it's definitely earned its street cred.
 
Check out victim Joshua Kaufman's timeline of the events here.
Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

This Guy Stole a MacBook...

— By Zach Perkins |

No, it's not the lame, new version of a 'guy walks into a bar' joke, it's a tumblr called 'This Guy Has My MacBook'.  

The tumblr purportedly contains snap-shots of a thief using a MacBook that was stolen in Oakland from the blog's author.  Or, it's some seriously ingenious viral marketing from Hidden, a software service that allows you to remotely use the camera of your MacBook and locate it if it's ever stolen.

Either way, the comic potential of this is limitless…

(Photos via This Guy Has My MacBook)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Local Sexual Predator Repurposes Molestation Van For Photography Business

— By Ed Stevenson |

I have been told to never judge a book by its cover, but this van strikes me as less of a utility to haul around photography equipment and more of the reason you legally have to introduce yourself to your neighbors. And just look at some of the haircuts Scary Larry has documented over the years:


Ahhh… the 80s, when the men looked like women and vaginas looked like they'd floss your teeth then kill you.

Any single ladies out there want to get married so we hire this 8-years-at-San Quentin-on-wheels to photograph the joyous occasion?

Pop Culture Icon Jello Biafra Wants to Chase Twits Down Valencia Street With a Chainsaw

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Jello Biafra, the pudgy 50-something San Francisco punk rocker-turned-politician-turned-old-punk rocker famous for starting the Dead Kennedys some thirty years ago, is still hella bummed out about the late-90s gentrification in the Mission and rich people living in SF.  Why?  Because dot com yuppies are pushing artists and workers out of the city, turning “Kook City” into a “Dot com Monte Carlo.”  Sure, he might be right, but the lyrics to the first track on Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medicine's upcoming EP are particularly amusing, if not downright crazy:

Where did they come from Why are they here? Hi-tech piranhas With Bluetooth barnacle ears
Living breathing biohazards
Spit their money in everyone's face
Worship all these shitty indie-pop bands
Babies in cigar bars
Trying to play Gatsby

They want us gone
Close the clubs
We might disturb their lofts

Dot com Monte Carlo
Dot com Monte Carlo

Where's the gangs in the Mission
When you need em?
How 'bout some yuppie drive-bys
For a change?

Never knew geeks
Could be so damn mean
Artists and workers
Bulldozed out by the thousands
Can't afford to be black
Or teach school in this town
My vet had to relocate
To his garage

Where can we go
Oakland, then the Portland, then L.A.?
Their Gold Rush immolated like Pompeii
But they're back!

Dot com Monte Carlo
Yuppie San Francisco
Nowhere left to go
We got news for you

Kook City
Proud of it
You and Nancy Pelosi
Can go straight to hell

Valet parking signs on Valencia
Wanna chase those twits
Down the street with a chainsaw
Trespass their restaurants
Swipe the food off their plates
Til' they hit me
Then smear them with honey
And release thousands of bees

Look at the giant middle finger
They put up by the Bay Bridge
50 floors of luxury condos
Just for them
They're trying to put up more and more
On slippery landfill
So when the big quake comes
We'll drink a toast
Dance in the streets
And watch it all fall down

Timber
Timber
Timber… Die!

Having Mission gangs murder yuppies?  Chasing down twits who use valet parking on Valencia Street (sidenote: is there any valet parking on Valencia?) with a chainsaw before smothering them in honey and releasing a swam of bees on them?  Who does Jello think he is? Inspectah Deck?

Anyway, Ian S. Port of the SF Weekly notes this song is nothing new:

“Dot Com Monte Carlo” has been in the band's live show for a bit now, but its first recorded release will be on the new Enhanced Methods of Questioning EP, due out on Alternative Tentacles May 31 (available earlier online). Check out a visual sample [embedded above], and note the utterly creepy way in which Jello nods to the crowd at the end.

Sadly, there hasn't been any sightings of an old white dude weezing his way through The Summit with a chainsaw, so despite Jello's crazy eyes, don't count on a holocaust of Range patrons happening anytime soon.

Masturbation: A Fine Alternative to Hating

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I came across this spraypaint fortune cookie while dining at Atlas Cafe and felt compelled to share.  As an individual with a lot of hater hate (not to be confused with KKK-style hate) running through my veins, I find masturbation to be a fine way to soothe the snark and bring out my inner Dalai Lama.  Take seeing a terrible movie in theaters: you could just bail, but then the $15 you could have put towards your next weed purchase would have been completely wasted. Alternatively, you could shit on the flick the entire time, but that'd just enrage the sweaty overweight guy sitting next to you who REALLY THINKS Tron: Legacy captures the magic of the original.  So rather than snarking your way through the 2-hour mistake, why not just lean back in your seat and polish off your member so you can watch the film in a state of unadulterated serenity?  Masturbation: a fine alternative to hating.

Also, I sincerely advise you to never take my advice.

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