Scary Larry

Now a Bunch of Brits Know the Tenderloin is Hella Sketch

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Blouz alerts us to this month-old clip from BBC's The Joy of Stats, which focuses on the city's open data efforts, particularly the Crimespotting project.  The short has some solid visualizations of the data mixed with video of the city, plus a fine interview with the Crimespotting founders.  And of course, what piece on crime stats would be complete without a SUV ride down Jones, gawking at cops, cholos, and crackheads?  Perhaps not the most flattering view of the city, but a well-produced and generally interesting one, to say the least.

Check it.

Hulking Creature To Perform Stand-up Comedy

— By Jon Skulski |

Terrific beast has learned English, humor!

Mother Nature dealt comedian Brian Posehn a difficult hand with his decidedly uncharasmatic exterior. He's lurching, frightening and has a penchant for all nerdly things. But like a true rock star, he said 'fuck it'. Posehn owned his gigantly, disproportionate mass and used it to gain fame, fortune and a human wife. Posehn has become one of the more innovative standups working today, born out of the humor soup of Mr. Show which launched the careers of David Cross, Patton Oswalt, and Sarah Silverman.

Brian Posehn will be performing at Cobb's Comedy Thursday through Sunday. Two drink minimum. Tip your waitresses.

Kong: The Jungle King will be opening with his wacky take on human foibles

Sign of the Apocalypse #87: Deranged Warlock Assassin Spotted Canoodling with Exotic Cat at Ocean Beach

— By Zach Perkins |

Much like spotting an image of the Virgin Mary in your moldy toast, THIS MEANS SOMETHING.  (via Ocean Beach Bulletin)

Sometime over the last few weeks, an image of the-oh-so-deluded-and-egotistical-one riding a tiger that he may or may not milk for blood, appeared at Ocean Beach.  This sign presumably signals his impending arrival in late April, during which he will attempt to rob you of your money in exchange for listening to him ramble about nothing and chain smoke for 2 hours; and all during an event named after something overwhelmingly phallic and abbrasive.  

That is if he even shows up, which I'm hoping he doesn't; I left LA almost as fast as I got there for a reason.

Dolores Park Playground Floods, Children Explore Rudimentary Ways to Entertain Themselves

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Banished from the playground by mothers and nannies concerned with the two inches of stagnant water beneath the jungle gym, children were forced to explore primitive forms of recreation and merriment, including:

1) Kick the San Pellegrino can.

  

2) Feed the pigeons organic cheesy puffs.

I cannot help but observe these children and question the adventurous spirit of today's youth.  When I was a youngin', I'd trek down to the river with my cousins, have ourselves a dip in the 40-degree waters of the Westfield River, and play a joyous game of sheep liver tossabout.  Once we finished washing our clothes for the first time in three-and-a-half months in the river thawed, we'd put on the sneakers our older siblings wore before us and have us a romp in the pig corral.  Later in the evening, we'd question our parents as to what the correlation between diving head-first into the pig's mud pit and not being able to keep our salisbury steak down was.

But these children, shielded from the dangers of mud, Pepsi, and Kraft food; how will they ever be able to see past life's hardships and lead the next generation of internet startups?

7x7's SanFranlandia can SanFranBlowMe

— By Laura B |

OMG WHAT? 7x7 has a post up calling for submissions for SanFranlandia, which is their way of ripping off Portlandia and making me want to murder them all at once! 

This comment from some delightful person named “fat wanda” who needs to be my bff is right on:

Really, 7x7? How about a parody of the Marina? Or the FiDi? Or culture that you're actually part of? Because that MIGHT be funny? Maybe?

You're not vegan, you're not bike culture, you don't know these people, and so you're attempts are just lame and embarrassing.

Exactly! You can't make fun of veganism, buying local, composting, backyard bee keeping, brewing kombucha in a bathtub, and plaid shirted bro's who look they're about to go prospect for gold because that's not who YOU are. There are plenty of websites and blogs that can and already do it better than you ever could. So, knock it off. 

You're the pretty girl. You're like Natalie Portman complaining that women aren't allowed to be beautiful and funny*. No, lady, it's just that you are not funny. Know who you are! Shit, funny women aren't cast all the time because they're not pretty, why not help get them roles**? Kristen Schaall should be in everything, and there are a million more like her. Anyway, tangent. Point is: embrace who you are, 7x7, and run more stories about sample sales and recipes for trampatini's. Or, if you want to parody something, why not all the boots on Chesnut street? That's something you know a lot about.

Annnnd: One more time, in case you forget, THIS IS YOU:

    

*And you know her idea of funny is like, a beautiful woman farting on a date. HILARIOUS. 

**Shit, bring them some rolls too, they probably hungry! Not working and shit because they're not pretty. I mean, JESUS.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Another Ugly Building Headed for Valencia

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I was walking past 18th and Valencia yesterday and thought to myself, “man, this street could really use another bland tall building with plastic siding!”  Then as I came to the intersection of 20th, I saw a notice for a public hearing about a new building.  Dream come true!

Okay, sarcasm aside, this is pretty much an empty lot and its only redeeming qualities is the rad Hugh Leeman wheatpaste that Dan Plasma sidebusted and some people sell cool VHS tapes there on the weekend.  And yeah, no one is going spend the cash to build something brick or Victorian that actually fits the neighborhood's aesthetic.  But still, that's some ugly shit!

(photos via SocketSite)

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