Scary Larry

Where's my ChatRoulette App? I'm ready for Facial Time

— By Zach Perkins |

My iPhone caught me using the land line last night.  Fuck off, I need my space.

Say what you want about the external antenna.  I had to watch a YouTube tutorial to figure out the exact way to hold the iPhone 4 to make it lose bars.  Believe me, It wasn't easy and was very, very uncomfortable.  The only people this “flaw” could possibly affect are mutant lefties with highly trained kung-fu grips.  And if that's how you hold a phone, you're definitely not somebody that I want to shake hands with. 

However unnecessary or limited it may be, Face Time is rad.  Seriously, this shit is going to revolutionize being pervy on ChatRoulette.  Once we have an app for that, you'll be able to connect, look at my face, and then switch to the back camera for a surprise shot of me wanking it.  REVOLUTIONARY. 

Ladies?

BREAKING NEWS: Hipster-hating gets way too real

— By Zach Perkins |

(DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT, PRETEND THE TRICYCLE IS A CAR)

(All legit info bitten directly from the 'professional' journalists at KTVU; read some real news coverage here)

KTVU (try saying that out loud without following it up with a “FOX 2!”) is reporting that a motorist went on a rampage in the Mish and Potrero Hill tonight.  Four cyclists were the victims of consecutive hit and run attacks, presumably by the same aggbro.  Emergency response units were first called in at 9:45pm.  SFPD Lt. Lyn Tomioka told KTVU that the assaults occurred at the following locations:

  1. 2700 block of Harrison.
  2. 2800 block of 24th.
  3. Intersection of 23rd and Pennsylvania. 
  4. 17th and Missouri.

Three of the cyclists have been hospitalized and all are expected to survive.  The perp fled on foot like a little bitch after the 17th and Missouri assault.  Alright Mission, grab your pitchforks and find this douchebag, he's out there hurting people and giving us armchair haters a bad name.  Feel free to submit any sketches/artist renderings of the suspect to us at mailto:holler@uptownalmanac.com

In light of these events and out of respect for the victims I'm asking for a moment of silence, a 40oz of Colt 45 to be spilt at each location, and a full 24 hours without any 'fixie' jokes.  I'm looking at you Kevin.

(Author's note: In all seriousness, I hope everyone is okay.   Let's hope this fucktard gets caught and prosecuted quickly.)

Awesome Drum Kit, Bro!

— By Laura B |

Worst/BEST Wedding DJ EVER. 

I can’t. I don’t even know. All I know is this is the current best thing on the internet and it’s about to go viral. Let’s help! Internet YAY!

Disc Golf Course Headed to McLaren Park?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Seems like a rad idea.  McLaren isn’t really that rad of a park and I liked drinking natty light and throwing frisbees at statues when I was in college.  I could totally see myself reliving those years in that park that is south of here.  Plus, I like the idea of stepping on needles while playing sports.

Anyways, it sounds like the NIMBY neighbors of the world are hating to the max.  I guess they are worried that some Hampshire College alumni will take away their dog park with their crazy antics.  Whatever.  Can’t my piece of plastic and your fucking 40-pound, raw-meat fed shit factory live in peace?

(SFDGC has more news.  The Examiner does too.)

Are You a Sausage?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I’m really digging the brilliant Spy vs. Spy / Phallic food hybrid even I don’t eat sausages (unless they are made with sun-dried tomatoes and wheat gluten).  Can vegetarians be sausage people?  I sure hope so.  Sausage people have the best hats.

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