Scary Larry

Haight Street Gutter Punks in the Mission Not Necessarily a Bad Thing

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I've been down on the whole “Haight Street gutter punks invading the Mission” thing in the past, but this conversation between a Mission kid and a crusty set of Caucasian dreadlocks that I overheard last night outside a bar (where else?) has me reconsidering my scorn:

[Following a 5 minute rant about Ron Paul and how dyslexics are the only hope for America]

Gutter Punk: How could you vote to reelect Obama?!

Mission Kid: The world is a complicated place…

GP: Did you know he voted for indefinite detention?!?!

MK: Obama doesn't “vote.”

And then he stole my friend's margarita.

[Photo by Paul E Ester]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Masked Hellraiser Sought In Attempted Kidnapping

— By Zach Perkins |

The SFPD is currently seeking the public's assistance in a manhunt for an attempted kidnapping suspect. The horrific creep and self-inflicted fashion victim attempted to kidnapp a young girl on Monday, Feb 13th, at Oakdale Ave and Keith St.  The eight year old victim was walking to school at Carver Elementary, when the suspect grabbed her behind, put his hand over her mouth and told her that he liked to attack kids. She was able to wriggle out his clutches and make it to the safety of her nearby school. 

The suspect is described as an African American male in his 30s, with a heavy build and distinctive short dreadlock style braids.  He has a scar on his upper right cheek.  He was wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans.  He had a square-shaped earring in his left ear lobe.  He was also wearing a handkerchief covering his lower face.
…
Anyone with information is urged to contact Inspector Vince Repetto of the Sexual Assault Detail at 415-553-9117 or 415-553-1361.  Citizens may also contact the SFPD Anonymous Tip Line, 415-575-4444, or the text tip line, TIP411, referencing SFPD in the subject line.

Representatives of the local Juggalo community were not available for comment.

Will his albino cousin of silver screen fame appear next??

(SFPD Press Release)

Shirtless Crazyperson Yelling Atop Buddhist Temple's Front Gate Shuts Down 17th

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Erika tells us that 17th from Mission to Valencia is completely shut down because a nutter is making a scene and “yelling uncontrollably.”  Not only that, but there's four cop cars, an ambulance, a firetruck, and an army of gawkers helping make this a bona fide spectacle:

This, people, is why you should never read spiritual texts without a sober chaperon.

Dear Mom: I Still Love You

— By Zach Perkins |

I've seen some creepy, stalkerish bathroom grafitti before, but this 1x1.5 ft message scralled in the men's stall at Dear Mom takes the cake. 

Maybe someone took the question posed by the bar's exterior literally, and used the opportunity to express their feelings for their estranged mom? Say 'hi' to your mother for me.

Photo by Mary Bernsen, via Dear Mom's Facebook Page

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Truffle Guy Has the Strangest Stalkers

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Just read this lovely Missed Connection to Dolores Park's Truffle Guy (emphasis added):

I think ur name is “DEVIN” and ur black.

U were selling homade truffles out of homade round metal boxes u hammered yourself with homade minitents to keep the sun off them so they don't get all melty for ur customers! Ur so cute cuz I think about u sitting at ur kitchen table making those minitents at night when ur not in the park and u have candles all around u or I think about u in ur garage making boxes drinkin a beer with a hammer. U were the one w/ shorts looked like maybe from france def bluish and a pink and white stripe half shirt and a brown leather bracelet with little beads on it u probably made it to huh!?? and u had brown dressy shoes with really strong legs. U also had a weird but cool hat on that looked like a city in another country is that where ur from?! It also looked like minitents. U said u dint make it but I bet u really did :). U were a gentlemen to me and my friend, cute nice eyes NICE BIG SMILE. U smell good too :).

I was the one who followed u around the hole park and helped u serve truffles to customers all day saturday. U told me not 2, but I actually wasnt being nice I wanted to be close to u for more time u smell goodddd! Then I gave u my # and address in san mateo. I was chilling up on that hill with my girl Sandy. I was the one named Dawna like I told u before.

Well I see ur not there again this Saturday cuz I was in my car by up on that hill and ur not there or I just couldnt see u :(. Im at the library writing this. I know classy. Neways, Im staying in the city in my car 2nite so hit me up if u want me 2 come over instead ;). Hit me up if u forgot my number or name or just wanna hook up. I will do it 4u :).

Dawna

Well, I'll make sure to be in the park Saturday to watch this crazyperson get maced.

[h/t SFist | Photo by Jennifer Lightfoot]

This Deranged Sourpuss Cut Down Valencia's Beloved Tree Swing

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

According to SFist and the Brass Knuckle Food Truck, taker of the above photos, this shitty Lucille Bluth wannabe cut down the beloved tree swing at 19th and Valencia with a box cutter yesterday afternoon, only to then call the cops on the hordes of outraged onlookers, whom she allegedly felt very threatened by.

Reportedly after this box cutter-wielding crazyperson chewed out the swing's defenders, calling them “occupiers” and suggesting they get a shave (perhaps a nice rose-water-and-eucalyptus-infused shave with a neck and hand massage down the street?), the cops let both the tree swing hater and its “harassing” supporters go, citing his unfamiliarity with tree swing laws.

Another day for justice…

[SFist | Mission Mission]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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