Scary Larry

Notes From The Gauntlet

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

SFMOMA's blog, Open Space, is letting us know what you'd collect if you lived on Capp St. for 17 years:

“The Gauntlet” is what my partner, Cliff Hengst and I have long dubbed the block of Capp St. between our apartment and our art studios in the Mission. On any given day you can find— through the obstacle course of trash, rotting food, feces, needles, and other junk— random personal ephemera: scrawled notes, posted messages, discarded family photographs, and abandoned letters. I even once found a box of bizarre Chinese “gentlemen” magazines from the early eighties (Score!).

The whole thing reads like a bizarre version of PostSecret set on a block with warehouses, homelessness, prostitution, motorcycles, crack, and The Uptown.  Check it.

The Sycamore is a Wonderful Place to Interact With Crazy People

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After commenters raved about the quality food at The Sycamore, I figured I'd pop in there to check it out.  In short, the spot somewhat lives up to the hype.  Quality back patio, lots of board games to play, comfortable interior with art on the walls, good beer selection, amazing fries, but a fairly mediocre portobello mushroom sandwich I don't think I'd order again.

After three hours and far too much alcohol for a Tuesday afternoon, I figured I had seen everything their was to see and began packing up my stuff.  Then, out of no where, an average looking man stuck his head in the door, stared at me and yelled, much to the bemusement of the bar, “Give me ten dollars within the next ten minutes or I'll rob a store, put the guy in a head lock and he'll die.”  He then turned around and walked away as if nothing was up.

15 minutes later, he still hadn't come back for his money.  Now I'm starting to worry about the manager of the Foot Locker next door. It's been almost five days since the Mehserle sentencing and they still look closed…

(photo via yelp)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Crazy Old Man Still Doing It Big

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Apparently the fine folks over at Caliber have some sort of homing beacon lunatics and crackheads, as Travis of the blog recently ran into Epic Beard Man (and I'm fairly certain this isn't their first snap of him).  Highlights of their interaction include the old man pulling out a big wad of cash and offering it up to Travis, flashing a giant blunt, and him yelling that he was going to beat his friend's ass if he didn't give him a ticket to the Giant's game that night.

Also, dude is rocking red fingernail polish and wayfarers.

Fucking hipster.

(link)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

TONIGHT in Oakland: Zombies! Cyclists! Pizza Sandwich?

— By Zach Perkins |

Honestly, this is not an anti-cyclist metaphor.  NO REALLY!

WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, THE DEAD WILL WALK BIKE THE EARTH!!!  

TONIGHT (Oct 8th), the East Bay Bike Party will be doing their 6th Zombie Ride.  It's exactly what it sounds like; a zombie flash mob with two wheelers.   AWESOME.  The gathering starts at 7:30pm, departs Oakland City Hall at 8pm, and eventually ends up at Parkway Lounge where they've arranged free bike parking and pizza sandwichs (not free).  

I might even brave these cyclist hoards just find out what the fuck a pizza sandwich is.  

More info on their route here.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

VICTORY OVER PRO-ZOMBIE HIPPIES: Mission St's High Bridge Arms has permit renewed

— By Zach Perkins |

CBS 5 reports that the SFPD has renewed the permit necessary for High Bridge Arms to continue to function as the City's only gun store/Zombie resistance HQ. Despite the efforts of the staunch Pro-Zombie wing, San Francisco shall remain armed with a revolver-touting retail outlet on Mission St. 

WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN COLMA, THE DEAD WILL WALK THE EARTH AND WANT MISSION STYLE BURRITOS CON CABEZA DEL HUMANO.

PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Ninja Stars: An Ineffective Zombie Deterrent

— By Zach Perkins |

IT COULD HAPPEN HERE!

Today, the City will hold a hearing where pro-zombie hoards will undoubtedly attempt to strip High Bridge Arms, a Mission St gun shop, of their permit.  As someone with a morbid fear of the zombie apocalypse, I stand firmly against the closing of High Bridge Arms, the City's one and only legal purveyor of firearms.  

When the armies of the dead start their long march from Colma to San Francisco, we need High Bridge's cache of firearms on hand for looting. Without them, we'd be left with only novelty swords and ninja stars looted from Chinatown tourist traps.  This is just poor city planning.  Hopefully 'Gun Tottin Gavin' will step in and initiate a new Zombie Preparedness Initiative with TWELVE GAUGES FOR ALL YALLS.  

PROTIP:  Don't loot a gun store unless you're sure the owners have either fled or been zombie-fied.  Looting gun shops with living owners will result in your ass getting shot off and handed to you, and then re-animating moments later as an ass-less zombie. You n00b. 

CHINATOWN IS DOOMED!!!

Sit-Lie: Bad for Dating, Bad for Vegan Foodies

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

WILL FUCK 4 BIG MAC

THIS IS WHY I LOVE THE SF WEEKLY.  Up until last week, I had no idea that the sit-lie law was going to ruin dating and vegan eating in the Haight:

An author named Spencer Walker has written a new guidebook with a section apparently devoted to the San Francisco dating landscape. Titled “Hippie Harlots,” the section claims to be a primer on the Haight Ashbury dating scene — a scene that just may die if visitors aren't allowed to sit or lie down in public anymore.

According to Cook to Bang, the aforementioned primer on home-cooked meals prepared to entice potential dates, Hippie Harlots are found in San Francisco, at ultimate frisbee games, and at Burning Man. And they respond well to fried tofu, writes the author, who admits to “occasionally trolling Haight Ashbury for bohemian booty.”

…

Should [Police Chief George Gascon's sit-lie law] pass, the resulting hostility and infringement of civil liberties may make the neighborhood a glum place for hippie hookups. And we might see a decline in Walker's style of cuisine.

So for the sake of everything that's organic and tasty, can't our top cop just leave the Haight be? (LINK)

Spenc sounds like a terrific dude.  Cooks to get laid, trolls the homeless for sex.  A real casanova.  Also, why the hell is sit/lie being morphed into a foodie issue?

(photo by Brant Ward / The Chronicle)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

How Long Does It Take You to Pee On a Mission Sidewalk?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you answered 52 seconds, you're just a hair faster than this industry dirtbag:

This amazing, 720p spectacle is brought to us by Blowing It In San Francisco, which after a mere 2 posts has established itself as a fine San Francisco blog.  I mean, this is one epic find: it's some dude pissing outside of BENDER'S BAR AND GRILL while cars wiz past and pedestrians stroll by seemingly unaware.  During the motherfucking day.

Who said the Mission can't keep it classy?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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