Cold Beer Cold Water

Undercover Cops Bust Cold Beer Cold Water For Only Selling Cold Water

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Here we go again: another spring, another police crackdown of apparently illegal activities in Dolores Park.  Their annual dog and pony show of rounding up dealers and pushers and scolding the citizenry has become predictably routine, sadly.  And it clearly accomplishes nothing.  Alas, SFPD is busy dropping officers in the park while violent crimes remain unsolved.

But while we're not the least bit surprised SFPD has posted up in Dolores again, we cannot help but laugh at their recent bust of James “The Cold Water Guy” for selling bottled water.  That's right, water.  Water.

It was silly enough they had him arrested for flipping PBR for stupid prices last year, but come on.  Who knew SFPD could be this petty.

[Thanks Jack for the tip!]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

COLD BEER COLD WATER ARRESTED

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Prison bars are simulated (via MSpaint)

Outrage! At 12:54 on Saturday, Dolores Park icon James (aka “Cold Beer, Cold Water” aka “Cold Beer Dude” aka Dad?) was needlessly busted by The Man.  Seriously.

Joe Kowalke was on the scene and witnessed it all go down:

It was sunny and close to 80 degrees on Saturday and Dolores Park was packed. Cold Beer was maneuvering his way through the Fruit Shelf announcing what he had for sale - Cold Beer. Cops who were watching from atop the Shelf took note. They approached him and asked him to join them at the squad car double parked on 19th Street. He was handcuffed and taken away.

The same thing happened to a hippy girl selling Jell-O shots to raise funds for the upcoming AIDS Lifecycle.

SFPD priorities.

PD Bird (we're using birds as sources now? fuck) also chatted with James and got some details:

James came up to me and told me and showed me a citation to appear in court. “For sale PBR.”  He was pretty bummed, they walked up to him and told him to come with them, then cuffed him at car and took him to 17th, released with that citation.  I told him to maybe play it low, he said that he was going to just sell water.

Water? Fuck that shit.

But seriously, James has to be one of the most non-violent bartenders in the Mission.  And how many times has he saved our ass from a trek to the corner store when we're in a deep people-watching trance?

Are we really going to let this shit stand?

#FREECBCW

[Original Pic by Mission Mission]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Cold Beer Cold Water Launches Bicycle Delivery Unit

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Note: a previous version of the post insinuated CBCW stole the bicycle.  That was 100% a joke that didn't go over a well.  Our apologies for any confusion.

Everyone's favorite surly bartender is now taking a new bike and using it to zip between Dolores and Mission bodegas, making our $3 PBRs just that much colder when they reach our lips.  And while this is cool and all, I can't help but wait for the day he starts dressing like a PCP-addled Hells Angel and slings beer from the back of a sputtering hog.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Blue Velvet Meets Real Life

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The other day I witnessed what could possibly be the best real life adaptation of Blue Velvet ever accidentally performed:

Counter Guy: Sorry James, we don't sell singles of Heineken, only Corona.

Cold Beer, Cold Water: Well too bad, I need a Heineken for a customer.

CG: Okay, five bucks.

CBCW: Five bucks?! Come on man…

CG: Why don't you just buy the six pack and sell the rest?

CBCW: Are you kidding me?! No one in the park wants to drink a fucking Heineken.

After another minute of arguing and watching the counter guy trying to put the Heineken back in the cooler, James ended up paying the $5 demanded for the single bottle.  That's what I call service.

It's Always Cold Beer Weather in Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Our buddy John, whose Friday afternoon is clearly way better than ours, just sent us a pic of Dolores Park's PBR sasquatch out in the wild.  In December.  Which begs the question: if Cold Beer Cold Water comes out of his hole and sees a suntanning stoner, does it mean we're going to get an early spring?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Cold Beer, Huge Profits

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

On Saturday I was fortunate enough to run into Dolores Park hero and San Francisco's best dressed businessman “Cold Beer, Cold Water” at the corner of 19th and Guerreo refilling his cooler with three cases of PBR.  While there isn't anything inherently notable about spotting a crazy person holding beer and throwing trash on the sidewalk, by the time I was done fetching some food and booze from Rhea's, 20 minutes had passed he was already back resuppling. 

Now, I'm not advocating trying to solve complicated math problems while at Dolores, but considering he sells a case of beer for $30 bucks (2 cans for $5), this dude is turning a profit of $60 every 20 minutes.  Sure, sales are probably not always that great, but on weekends like we just had, he can easily rake in over $700 in a 4 hours thanks to our collective laziness.

So, a tip of the hat to you, CBCW.  You took people being too lazy to walk a block for beer and made it into a printing press.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

"Cold Beer, Cold Water" Turns Up to Riot

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Someone give this man the businessman of the year award.  There I was, watching people jumping over a trash fire in front of Thrill of the Grill, police coming up Valencia from 17th and flanking up 16th, when all the sudden I hear “COLD BEER!  COLD WATER!” booming over the crowd.  Sure enough, I turn around, and the legend himself is forking over two ice-cold Budweisers for $5.

This dude literally doesn't give a shit about anything around him.  After making the sale, he turns around, walks up to the bonfire, makes a gesture with his head that says “oh, that's nice,” and immediately goes back to flipping beer for three times their market value.

Shortly, after I took these snaps, the riot cops began running at the crowd and Valencia Street turned into the running of the bulls.  At one point I looked to my left and saw CB/CW running away from the advancing police with all the other cool kids.

My life is complete.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: