Mission District

Bike Kitchen Rescues CELLspace

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A mural commissioned by The Bike Kitchen outside of CELLspace, depicting the everyday environs of The Bike Kitchen.

Angel from The Bike Kitchen hit us up in the comments letting us know that they've stepped up to save CELLspace:

Angel from the Bike Kitchen here. I just wanted to let folks know that the Bike Kitchen is going to be loaning (interest free) CELLspace $13,000 to help them keep their doors open. Back when the Bike Kitchen started, CELLspace gave us a rent-free space for about two years at the Mission Village Market (remember that place? It was the weekend flea market and warehouse/art space at 18th & Alabama. It's been replaced by mixed income apartments and is the Bike Kitchen's new home too). Anyway, we're pretty frugal and have been able to save up some cash and are stoked to be able to give back to this org which helped us get our feet. CELLspace has a pretty bright future in the Mission - it's a shame that this bureaucratic hiccup could almost bring an org like this down.

The bureaucratic hiccup, as you might recall, was the city's Planning Department (boo, hiss!) forcing them to do a whole bunch of renovations before they could reopen their doors.  Renovations that forced the space to raise $25,000 by the end of January or be faced with shutting down.  Looks like they weren't set to quite hit their goal by the end of the month, but the Mission community stepped up just in the nick of time.  Now we can look forward to rollerdisco New Years parties and magical monkey murals for years to come.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

This is the Future of Drunk Food

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I realize I'm a fan of Bender's and therefore bias, but their new Mac & Grilled Cheese sandwich is pretty insane.  I mean, all it is potatoes, carbs, cheese, and lots of gas.  Plus, it's got tatter-tots right in the middle.  What's not to love?

(Sorry, Grub)

Douchebag Mecca Medjool, New Mission Theater Up For Sale; Realtor Claims "the Mission is Going to Explode"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you have a few million bucks lying around that you don't want to spend on the Dolores Park Church and would rather spend on a lame bar, Mission real estate owner/enemy of Buddhists Gus Murad is apparently selling off all his property on Mission St.  According to Mission Loc@l, Value Giant is pending a sale that's the equivalent of 4.5 million bottles of $1 dish detergent, Medjool and Elements Hostel is listed at $7.1 million, and the New Mission Theater is apparently being sold to “a very hot group from New York” for a measly $2 million.

That hot group is rumored to be the owners of Brooklyn Bowl, which means the Mission could be getting a bowling alley hella soon.  The realtor of the space tells Mission Local, “Let me tell you, you think the Mission’s hot right now, but if this deal goes through the Mission is going to explode.”  That's basically positive proof that we're getting a bowling alley, because the only things that could make the Mission explode are a nuclear holocaust, bulldozing Valencia, or a bowling alley.  My money's on the bowling alley.

As for Medjool?  Hopefully the new owner burns it to the ground and starts anew.

UPDATE: Turns out Mission Loc@l totally botched the story.  Neither Value Giant nor New Mission are up for sale.  Curbed has the correct info.

(link | photo by Joshua Dickens)

This Is What Pollo Campero Thinks a Mission Hipster Looks Like

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A few weeks ago, I got hella excited that we might soon see Pollo Campero's badass logo of a chicken cowboy that eats his own kind on Mission St.  Well, the chain recently posted up their drawings for the restaurant in the window of the space and they're unfortunately ditching their rad look for a more bougie Mission feel with a boring new logo.  But just when I was walking away from the restaurant, something to the left of the drawing caught my eye:

That's right: a Mission hipster wearing a trucker hat, Wayfayers, a trench coat, rocking a full beard, and holding a bottle of wine.  Not exactly true to neighborhood fashion, but hilarious never-the-less.  Plus, you have to give them credit for recognizing the fact that Mission St. is covered in trash, even if they are modeling the fast-food chain after Foreign Cinema:

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Happy "Hipster Thursday" guys!

— By Zach Perkins |

This happened.

Excuse me while I shiver alone in the dark and process this for awhile…

The following screenshots are taken directly from the email that I, and undoubtedly the entire Mission has now received from Uber, a towncar taxi service that uses an iPhone dispatching app. The content was not edited in any way. They really wrote this and distributed it, probably with the belief that it was a good idea.  The entire writing staff of Uptown could spend an entire weekend addressing this, line by line.  Every sentence warrants commentary and satire. But of course I, like everyone else, was so completely and utterly shocked that I just had to post it in its entirety and inadvertently aid in their marketing…  

Maybe they thought they were being ironic. But if their goal was to appeal to 'MIssion hipsters' through irony, they failed.  The whole thing just shows a complete lack of understanding of the demographic's sensibilities. All 'ZOMG they dont kno whut a hipstar is!' nonsense aside, this is still only $5 off of a ride that they would charge you about $45 for. No iPhone dispatch app is worth that. Just get a cab.

(Thanks UberCab, way to jump the shark)

The Scoop Behind the Yellow Birdhouses Around Town

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

“Jim”, the man responsible for hanging all the yellow birdhouses around the Mission and SOMA, emailed us to tell us about his project:

I come from a long line of birdwatchers and enjoy following birds myself, so I thought why not cater to local species and make birdhouses for them? I started out making houses for the California Towhee which migrates through Northern California, then branched out and started just free styling them.

Some friends caught wind and I started making more for them, and eventually I was asked to show 50 of my birdhouses at a pop-up gallery show in SOMA at Unspeakable Projects. I then sold those birdhouses, and the deal was I would install them in the location of the buyer's choosing.

I've made a bunch of birdhouses made of wood from local recycled pallets, sold a few at an art show and now am just continuing to make them and put them up around town. Feel free to track their progress on the website. I'll be updating as I go.

If you want to sponsor the project, $50 bucks will get you a birdhouse and installation at your choice of location.  You can order one by sending an email to jimewing3@hotmail.com

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Doc's Clock Turns Their Back on Olympia

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I stopped into Doc's Clock yesterday for a quick pint and round of pinball and this note was passed to me from down the bar.  Yep, some guy tried to order an “Oly,” as the bar formerly referred to the beer, scribbled this note in protest of their decision to stop carrying the beer, and bounced.  Now, Olympia might be the highest-rated cheap beer by Mission cool kids, but I really think you're splitting hairs when it comes to comparing Hams [sic] to just about any other beer that costs two smacks at a bar.  That said, I can only think of two other Mission bars that still carry Olympia (Gestalt and Homestead) soo…… market opportunity!

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Compliment Three People Every Day

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Last night I ordered delivery from Big Lantern.  The General Tso's meatless chicken.  It was good.  Not their best, but good.

After my meal, I put my plate in the kitchen sink and opened up my fortune cookie.  “Compliment three people every day.”  Certainly not a “fortune,” but undoubtedly a step up from the bland proverbs inside most modern-day cookies.  My roommate is in the kitchen.  The straight one.  He's been sick for a while, so I give my first compliment.  “You look really good today!”  He looks puzzled.  I show him the fortune.  He reads the fortune.  He figures out that I wasn't complimenting him, but just fulfilling the command given to me by a 55 millimeter-long piece of paper.  He frowns.

I find four people in the living room.  One is a 20-something fashionable woman living in the Mission District whose interests are design and typography.  Some might call her a hipster.  I tell her that her top looks really amazing.  She expresses gratitude.  I turn to the person sitting next to her.  He's holding a bong.  I tell him I liked his latest facebook update about Timecop actually being a decent movie.  He replies, “word.”

I then look to the two remaining people in the room.  I tell them my quota has been filled.  Their faces appear puzzled.  The same look a dog gets when you put dry Ramen in their dish or tell them in a really loud, sweet voice that you are going to abort their puppies.  (Please don't ask about that).  I leave the room feeling good.  Fulfilled even.

Today I have a fever and feel like complete shit.

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