Mission District

JORTS: On Demand!

— By Zach Perkins |

HEY KIDS! Guess what you won't be doing this weekend? That's right, going to Dolores Park!  In case you haven't noticed that it's raining outside because you've been hunkered down in your roommate's walk in closet for the last week clawing at the walls and coming down from last weekend's blocaine binge (BRO, THAT SHIT WAS TOTALLY METH'D OUT. NOT COOL.) I'm here to deliver the painful reminder.

On top of that, I'm here to rub in how amazingly glorious the two weekends prior were. In fact it was so nice out that cultural barriers were broken and new levels of Dolores Park fashion were achieved. I present to you, Jorts: ON DEMAND.

Not wanting to waste any material, the excess denim was then distributed and refashioned into headbands.

Denim chokers: the hot item for Spring 2k11?

Win a Pair of Tickets to the Noise Pop Culture Club

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Noise Pop is bringing the Culture Club to Public Works next weekend, which provides us San Franciscans with a rare opportunity to interact with creative legends and doodle while Kid Koala DJs, and we have some tickets to throw at the broke and hopeless:

The Culture Club brings together creative individuals from the community and beyond to participate in a series of exciting presentations on independent culture in its many forms. In addition to the talks there are plenty of hands on experiences and opportunities for participants to delve into their personal creativity. Pop ‘n’ Shop, our local designer fair, will also be a part of this very special weekend.

Confirmed Speakers and organizations include:
Kid Koala, No Age, Nick Zinner (Yeah Yeah Yeahs), DJ Nickodemus, John Wesley Harding, Flavorpill, Isotope Comics, Cinemasports, The Masses, Rebar, Jason Jagel, Yak Films, Turf Feinz and many more.

To score a ticket for you and your buddy, let us know in the comments why you deserve the pair.  Or you can just buy yourself a ticket for Saturday (Sunday is free!).

Bobby the Bike Thief and His Truck

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Earlier this week, there was some concern that the “mob of folks” that smashed up a red truck during a York St. raid to retrieve stolen bike parts got the wrong truck.  Luckily an anonymous neighbor has some snaps to help clear up any future confusion:

here's some pics of his bobby, his truck with black cap, his license plate and some shithead who probably helps him steal this shit.

one of his neighbors does have the exact same truck but no cap on it. He's a nice guy and does not steal bikes or sell stolen property.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Zeitgeist is Back

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After three weeks of miserable weather—two of which our dear friend Zeitgeist was closed for renovations—I took the opportunity yesterday to soak up the moisture at the Marina's favorite outdoor oasis.  For everyone who was pulling for Zeitgeist to get some real bathrooms while renovating: sorry, those were left untouched.  But what they did do was completely gut their bar, add more taps, and build some windows behind the bar that allow bartenders to serve drinks directly to patrons on the back deck (who knows if they'll ever do that, of course).

Other oddities that sprang up over the last two weeks include a bunch of new computerized cash registers, complete with credit card swiping capabilities and a receipt printers.  Amazed, I slapped my maxed-out Visa on the table and asked if “those things” worked and if they were accepting credit cards as substitute for legal tender.  “No fucking way.”  The bartender did not seem to like tapping the screen, not that those bartenders seem to like much of anything.

Sitting outside, despite my attempts to drink my beer, my glass never seemed to empty, it just became increasingly watered-down with ever sip.

I have the sniffles today.

  

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

"Mob of Folks" Go After Bobby the Bike Thief

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

As we've talked about in the past, Pop's Bar is straight-up the worst place to leave your bike due to their neighboring bike thief.  Well, GoatLeg over at SF Fixed “riled up a fucking mob” and got his stolen parts back:

Hello, all. Tonight me front wheel was stolen while locked up outside of the Dovre club at 26th/Valencia. I was inside while some friends were outside smoking while some random local asked whose bike it was this guy stole the front wheel from. They knew it was my bike, and the local told them it was a latino guy in a red pickup truck with a black topper over the bed. Immediately we knew it was this guy Bobby who lives around the corner from Pop's. All my friends came in and told me what happened, I ran out with all my shit expecting to see him outside. Of course he wasn't there, so I ran back in, got all my homies together and riled up a fucking mob of folks 100% poised to get my wheel back. So, we all ran down to the corner of 24th/York, a few of them went in to Pop's to get some beer and not be directly involved in what was about to go down.

So from there, four or five of my friends surrounded Bobby's truck (the same red pickup with the black topper) while I ran up to the house we knew he lived at. I wasn't 100% sure which of the two doors was his, so I rang each bell. His neighbor opened here door almost immediately. I asked, “Does Bobby live here?” and she said “No” and poinetd to the other door on the left, at which point I looked back at my friends who were opening up the tailgate to Bobby's truck and grabbed my wheel out. I turned to his neighbor and said, “Cool, well your neighbor is a bike thief and we're just taking my wheel back”. As soon as I turned away I started off down the stairs and one of the neighbors yelled, “What the fuck are you doing to that truck??!” I took off running as fast as I possibly could, while my friend had my wheel in his had and everyone scattered.

Of course, stealing the wheel back isn't enough.  GoatLeg is taken his photo (above) and is “going to make it known that this guy is a known bike thief, and that I know where he lives and that he needs to stop doing this shit, or he will pay. I fullheartedly think this a step in the right direction to get this shit stopped.”  Going to poster the neighborhood?  He'll pay?  It looks like Bobby is at the end of his rope and people are done waiting to SFPD to do something.

I can't imagine this will end well.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Beth Spotswood on "Suburban Mission"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It looks like the Mission has a new microhood, dubbed “Suburban Mission” by culture blogger Beth Spotswood, who got the name from the fact that everything east of SVN is the suburbs of Mission/Valencia Streets.  Over at Curbed, Beth fills us in on the slice of the Mission that's home to big box retail:

Hidden gems in the your neighborhood: Dirty Thieves, the street food festival (is hardly hidden), my morning walk to Precita Park (which is probably, technically Bernal Heights), men playing soccer on the old basketball courts, the apricot oat scone at Atlas Cafe, my neighbor's garage where I vote, and St. Francis Fountain's “the poor man” which is chicken-vegetable soup served over a biscuit. It's $4.50, and cures hunger, sniffles and broken hearts.

Are your neighbors “Rotten Neighbor” worthy? If so, dish. If not… well, why not? I have two kinds of neighbors: Friendly families that have lived on our block for generations, remember my name and make sure I get in okay when I come home late at night. And people for whom the word gentrification (pronounced with disgust) was invented. One of my neighbors drives a Vespa, wears a fedora, worked for (impressive pause) Gavin Newsom, refers to himself as a “foodie”, goes to Burning Man and snidely asks me about my “gossip column” while leaving angry letters for our postal worker taped to the mailbox. Need I go on?

I'm always appreciative of a hot bread tip, but how does being a “foodie” (apricot oat scone expert HELLO), owning a Vespa and wanting upward political mobility make you a terrible person?  Don't get me wrong, fuck people who hate on our mailmen and make snide remarks about blogging, but since when did loathing tech workers living in the Mission become passé?  Did we find ourselves a new pariah and no one filled me in?  And most importantly, does this mean I can start hanging out at The Summit and still have friends?

(link | photo by Bryan Haggerty)

Beware of the Attack Cat

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

He didn't strike me as very threatening, but I did lose our staring contest.  Also, having multiple staring contests with a random cat is an riveting way to spend one's Thursday afternoon.

Cougars on the Prowl in the Mission

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Let's ignore the startling drawing above for a second and focus on the latest form The Bold Italic.  Today they bring us a guide to being a cougar in the Mission (although they try to rename “cougar” as “sabertooth,” as sabertooth tigers are more badass than cougars or something).  First, let's get in the cougar mindset:

There’s a taboo to the term cougar, much like the played out “hipster” tag. No one actually wants to be called one, myself included. However, I am 36 and dating guys a decade younger.

Let me point out, I have nothing against guys my age, and I don't rule them out. But it’s funny (as they say) that as I get older, the dudes I’m dating stay the same age. I’m drawn to the hallmarks of these 20-somethings – the sound of skateboard wheels coming down the street, the sight of postgrads paying for their coffee with quarters. I don’t need a financially secure, established guy. I need adventure!

So where do “sabertooths” go to pick up a fresh, fine Mission bro?  Guerrero Gallery (for the arty/Mike Giant-obsessed types), Pop's (where a communal love of Black Sabbath will get you a date), and the Phone Booth, where you can use the jukebox to accurately determine if a guy wearing a “vintage western shirt and holding a beer koozie” is a suitable mate.

Men in search of older women who like adventure and were in high school during Loma Prieta, you know where to go.

Now, let's focus on the handy guide to Mission guys provided by The Bold Italic.  Their rendition of a “skater boi”?  Fuck it, I don't even want to go there…

(link)

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