Crime

Exciting Things Happen to Me

— By Brizz |

So I’m walking the two miles home down Mission Street—because Muni fucking sucks more than anyone outside of this city can possibly fucking understand—when I get to the always beautiful southeast corner of 16th & Mission.  There is a shitstorm of crazy going around me, even more than usual, and a short man and a woman post up right next to me as I wait for the light to change so I can cross. They start yelling at each other, the man pushes the woman and she pushes back and the next thing I know some big crazy dude comes from across the street and gets up in it. The short guy pulls out a knife and starts flailing around with it trying to slash these two, right fucking next to me, and he starts backing away wildly and almost into me.

I start running away from the guy and  see a cop car across the street in front of Walgreens sitting with its doors open. I run up to the car as the short guy is continuing to try to stab these people back at the corner. I tell the passenger-side cop what’s happening, and he gets out, gun blazing brandished, and his partner pulls out a shotgun and starts heading up at them too. They run up to the scene and the short, knife-wielding guy runs off, but doesn’t get far, as pictured above.

To top it off, some old drunk guy (epic mustache man?) starts calling me a gringo and a joto (alright, point taken), but then he starts trying to shove me as I’m trying to take a photo of the guy getting arrested. The shitstorm of crazy was still swirling all around me, so I decided it might be time to go, especially since I was also carrying two big old bags filled with school books and my laptop. The lesson I take away from this is: fuck Muni.

lollergeddon: "Burrito triggers SF bomb squad, disrupts Muni N-Judah rail service"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The terrorists just won the war:

A suspicious package containing a burrito disrupted San Francisco Municipal Railway Service in the city’s Sunset District early Tuesday and prompted a response by the bomb squad.

…

A witness on the scene reported the package was found to contain a burrito.

I’m worried for our safety.  Are trigger happy BART cops going to ‘bust shots’ in my chest because I’m hungry for some rice and guac at 2am?  Trick question.

(via Bay City News)

Angsty Hipster Cutting Spokes on Fixies in the Mission

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Walked out of a bar a few days ago to find this.  As a former bike mechanic, I can tell you that spokes don’t just snap in the middle of the spoke.  Especially when the bike is parked.  Listen hookers, this isn’t like slashing tires.  We can’t just go to Pep Boys, play on our iPhone for 30 minutes and be on our way.  No, we have to drag our bikes home, leave it in the garage for 4 months until we get the motivation to fix it and use our roommate’s less-fun bike for a few months without him knowing about it.  Fuck, now he knows.

Who Da Mayor? (Big Willie Style)

— By Zach Perkins |

“How much time do we have? 60 Seconds?!”  Yes Gavin.  Now please, go ahead and waste 37 of them.  Great, thanks.

(fast forward to 0:45…)

Gavin: “Willie, what the hell are you doing here?!”

Da Mayor: “I'm filling vacancies!” 

 Wait a fucking minute …did that really just happen?  What Willie Brown should have said:

Gavin: “Willie, what the hell are you doing here?!”

Da Mayor: “ME? Gavin, what the fuck are YOU doing here?!”  

Willie Brown has the startled look of someone who's been squatting in that office since Gavin peaced out to Hawaii back in November of '09.  You can't really blame Willie; I mean of all the places to run into Gavin Newsom you'd never expect it to be the mayor's office, amirite?  (HAHAHA GET IT?! ABSENTEE MAYOR JOKE, HIYOOOO!!!)

Could this video get any better*?  It's already reached the high standards set by such prestigious marketing campaigns as DeVry and the law offices of Ronnie Deutsch.  Oh wait, YES IT CAN; CUE THE ROCK AND ROLL OUTRO!!!  FUCKIN WAIL, MUUUSSSSEEE!!!  WAAUGGHHHH!!!!

*see 'cliche', like this post.

St. Patty's Pistol

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Matt Baume noticed this cop’s Shamrock magazine after he gave a lecture to a bunch of skateboarder’s a while back.  Kinda dig that he can have a sense of humor even though he has to bitch out skaters.

You can take the man out of the Mission but you can't take the Mission out of the man. It's in the blood, Homes.

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I thought people already knew about the film La Mission, but based on the sheer amount of “tips” we’ve received about it, I guess I was wrong.

From the mailbox: “saw a blurb about this a while ago. shite that just b/c it’s an SF movie, there has to be some gay subplot. and funny that it’s always sunny in SF in movies.”

I Wish 2pac and Biggie Would Pour Colt 45 on My Nipples

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

David MacDowell is a KILLER PAINTER and if you were in LA today, you could go to thinkspace gallery to see more of his epicness.  Tragically this piece was already sold, likely for much, much more than $2 out the door.

“As a kid, I always loved “To Kill A Mockingbird”, and wished Atticus Finch was my dad. To be guided by such ethical wisdom would have made me a better person, I imagine. But nobody’s perfect, and our imperfections dictate the core of this new series, working on both superficial and deeper levels. On the surface is a colorful, humorous romp where we poke fun at celebrity culture and media. Yet the undercurrent is all about how society is bent on correcting wrongs by repressing everyone. It’s always fun to explore how we’re repressed by our parents, “The Man” and the method’s used to repress ourselves.”

(via You Might Find Yourself, via someone else, via someone else)

LET'S GO GAWK AT POVERTY!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The New York Times busted out a piece Sunday about tourism in the Tenderloin:

“We can bring people into an SRO and show them where people are living now,” Mr. Shaw said, referring to the single-room occupancy dwellings, or residential hotels, in the area. “And that’s a real plus.”

…

The district’s drug trade is so widespread, and so wide open, that the police recently asked for special powers to disperse crowds on certain streets. Deranged residents are a constant presence, and after dark the neighborhood can seem downright sinister, with drunken people collapsed on streets and others furtively smoking pipes in doorways. (link)

Really?  Bring them into an SRO so some obese fuck from Oklahoma with a $10,000 camera can gawk?  You know, not everything has to be tourist friendly.

UPDATE: Broke-Ass Stuart has a list of things one may see on the tour.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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