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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Once upon a time I had a picture of my mom chugging a can of PBR and flipping off the camera (no joke).  Unfortunately I couldn’t find it, so I think this picture is a hot 2nd place on the “Kevin, I’m going to fucking kill you” scale.

About a month ago, I finally learned that I was a mistake.  During a conversation about how women with ticking timebombs for biological clocks terrify me, she offered up some reassurance: “Not all women really have the urge to have children.  I didn’t really ever have the urge.  I was getting my degree when I suddenly became pregnant with you and we just decided to roll with it.”  “So I was a mistake?”  “Oh, mmmm, yeah.”

I had known that my youngest sister was a mistake since forever ago.  I was teasing her one day in my youth, “you really think you were planned?  Get pregnant 6 months after I was born?  On Valentine’s Day?”  When confronted, my mom volunteered: “You were a planned mistaken.”  “Planned?!”  “Well, we planned to have another kid, just not quite then.”  I really hope being bad at birth control isn’t hereditary.

Anyways, the reason I share this is because my mom was about a year away from getting her Ph.D, was a professor at Smith College and still “decided to roll with it.”  She had a lot to lose.  Hell, if I were married to a woman that close to getting tenure and a Ph.D, I would have kicked her down the stairs so she could go be the breadwinner and I could just still around, drink beer, watch Hulu, and keep this blog updated.  But yeah, my mom gave up her pursuit of a Ph.D and ultimately tenure to raise my ass.  I think that’s pretty big.

Hero Brings Patriotism to the Masses

— By Brizz |

This was one of the greatest things I have ever witnessed. Dude above was screaming about how much he loves America in the middle of the intersection at Grove and Van Ness. The Range Rover creeped into the intersection expecting crazy guy to get out of the way, but nope. Instead, he climbs onto the Range Rover’s hood and continues screaming about how much he loves America. A deputy sheriff shows up and asks the man to get off the hood. The man decides, no, I am going to climb onto the motherfucking roof and tell the world how much I love America. High-five, sir! Also, big props on the Giants jacket.

I didn’t get to see what the exciting conclusion was, because I was in a rush, but as I was leaving about fifteen cop cars showed up.  Sorry for the crappy photos, but I spilled water on my good camera, which is currently sitting in a box of rice in hopes it revives like the jesus.

Homeless or Hipster?

— By Jane Parton |

I sat across from this man on BART on my way home this evening.

He had on tight pants with a few well-placed paint splats, a Native American-inspired knit sweater and a pair of Nikes, mini keg in tow, all of which would suggest hipster. But he was also a bit smelly, nearly toothless and singing to himself, which leads me to conclude homeless. My favorite part of this whole situation, though, is the sign he’s sitting under, imploring me to befriend him. I must admit I was tempted to introduce myself to this gentleman. I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want this guy on their team?

Generic1 Gets Street Cred. Oakland Cops Don't Give a Fuck*.

— By Brizz |

(Photo from generic1)

generic1, famous for blogging politics and whatever, had a gun put to his temple by one of two muggers in Oakland the other night and his reaction was to run like Carl Lewis. And he won! Nice job. Sounds like a horrifying experience and we’re glad he’s okay. The Oakland Cops on the other hand won’t even take a report from him, which is the really phenomenal part of the story. You can read all about his harrowing experience here.

*I seriously considered whether it was proper to put the word fuck in the headline, but then I scrolled down and saw a photo of a dog taking a shit, so I figured it was okay.

San Francisco Stereotype Alert: Nancy Pelosi's Husband Buys Her Clothes!

— By Laura B |

 

Nancy Pelosi is married to a meterosexual! Or homosexual! I mean, do you really think the HBiC could be married to a man who isn’t doing it with other men? Who knows, who cares, best “news” “story” EVER. If my husband was buying my clothes and styling the shit out of me, the least I could do in return is let him do it with other men. Of course, I get to watch and at the same time, he should be feeding me pizza and keeping my trough of dark and stormy’s full. Also, FOOT MASSAGES! Cathy, CAN I GET A WITNESS!? You know what I’m talking about, girl.

San Francisco Continues to be Gayest City on Earth

— By Laura B |

I guess boy bands realize that they can’t film everything in a Los Angeles sound studio and since LA is ugly as shit, they had to travel up here for some hot video. In related news, both of these songs are THE JAM.

JT is all, “Osha Thai is so tasty you see, bring more of that pad thai to meeeeee….” I don’t know, I’m cracking up over here, that shot is amazing. Also, he looks just like Joey from Blossom right there. WHOA!

Full video amazingness below:

Et tu, 98 Degrees!??

Nice 98º tattoo on your arm, bro. Bet that aged well.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS:

I can never look at the bay in the same way again. This just totally ruined sex for me. Yes, that’s how I do sex. Let your mind run wild, enjoy the show!

Hat tip to the incomparable Eddo!

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Local CBS Blogger on Local CBS Station!

— By Laura B |

Mike Sugerman at CBS 5 is at it again! That lovable newsy is always on the trail of a hot lead (forget facts! what’s that!? who’s he!? Also, did he just say CYBERSPACE!? What is this?? The Net? A: I WISH!), and this time, he’s trying to figure out Foursquare. About a year too late to break any real FourSquare story, this video piece nevertheless features the delightful and adorable Brittney Gilbert of CBS Eye on Blogs (the tables are turned, Gilbert! The eyes are on you now!!) meeting Mayor Patrick Bateman Gavin Newsom. Thrilling.

Also, is Wendy Tokuda drunk? Or super high? Or is that just my fantasy speaking?

Because CBS5 is old media, they won’t let you embed video so you have to click a stupid link.

Totally Not Cool at All Bro Award of the Weekend

— By Brizz |

Things dude on the right did in the minute and a half I had the misfortune of walking near him after his totally killer day at DoPa bro-brah: First, he runs up to a guy riding on a bike and screams in his ear in hopes of scaring him, trying to make the guy fall off his bike. Next, he starts yelling at some girl, “Christeeeeeena! Chirsteeeeeeeena Applegate! Why ‘on’t you come home with me???” And finally, he walks up to the window of Dolores Park Cafe, bangs on it with his fists and screams at the girl sitting inside the cafe. Pictured above is him explaining how awesome he is to his bro.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Simple like a list of highly-emasculating objects and activities

— By Jane Parton |

Am I a terrible person for laughing at this?

Hippest Girl in Town - 28 (mission district)

Dear girl I follow on Facebook, 

I sometimes see you on the street, but I can’t really remember how or if we know each other so I don’t say “Hi”. Once we passed each other on the sidewalk—at least I think that was you— and you smiled when I smiled, but we kept walking. I’d like to say “You’re gorgeous” in some way that wouldn’t creep you out. Maybe if I mentioned that I don’t think we’d actually get along. You seem to be pretty into your looks and lifestyle, and I’m.. well I’m simple. “Simple” like pancakes simple. Simple like bike rides to the ocean, iced tea, solid colors, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and good old fashioned guy meets girl cutesy romance. That’s okay; you’ve got style and I admire it. I’m honestly not a creeper. I’m on too many social networks to be shady. I just wonder if maybe next time I see you it might be alright to holler at you. I’m usually rolling around looking for people I know, and I wouldn’t mind you being one of them. 


Posthumously 

Biggest Bike Nerd in Town

 

(Read it all here.)

 

I’m not sure why, out of all the tragic missed connections of the day, I’ve decided to make fun of this one in particular. I think I just automatically hate people who call themselves nerds; thanks to sarcasm, honestly not-creepers have finally found a way to be arrogant and self-deprecating at the same time. It figures that usually the people who call themselves nerds are “nerding out” over a socially acceptable cool-kid subculture, like track bikes or Italo Disco. These days, when people claim nerd-hood, I just take it to mean that they spend a lot more of their time trying to be cool than you or I do.

 

On top of all that, dude’s calling the girl vain (“you seem pretty into your looks and lifestyle”) while simultaneously trying to sell her on him by comparing himself to … pancakes. I hate on the guy, but clearly we all agree with this line of logic about how being on lots of social networks makes a person less shady. I mean, whoever heard of predatory, creepy people on the internet? Now, that’s just crazy talk.

Rub 'em Titties

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

spieri_sf was downtown and would like to share:

 March 16th: I doubt that there are many cities in the world were pink bike riders surround you throughout lunch time and just do this because they have fun. Taken in front of the Ferry Building in San Francisco. Yes, San Francisco - where else?

(link)

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