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Meanwhile in the Marina...

— By Kate Horton |

 

So, it’s approaching that time of year again kids. BAY TO MOTHERFUCKING BREAKERS.

I’m sure, like me, you’ve been up late at night worrying over what super unique ensemble you’re going to put together for Douchebag Pride Parade 2010. And oh boy is it ever tough to decide which posse of assholes to hang with while you sleaze your way through the City.

Well worry no more. The Jersey Shore To Breakers float has got you covered!

The fine folks behind this fraternity on wheels are super pumped to announce “the return of the biggest and best float at Bay To Breakers” and this year’s theme is…OMG wait for it…the Jersey Shore! So original!

So much about this pisses me off, I don’t know where to start.

First of all, you can’t dress up like a bunch of douchebags when you already ARE a bunch of douchebags. This is like Jeffrey Dahmer going as a serial killer for Halloween. If you already own an Ed Hardy shirt, you can’t dress up as a person who would wear an Ed Hardy shirt because YOU ALREADY ARE THAT PERSON.

Second, this group wants you to know that they are totally all about preserving “the tradition of B2B.” Wow, what a noble fucking cause. How generous of you to take time out of your busy schedule of sauntering down Chestnut and date-raping to save the very event people like you helped ruin. I tip my trucker hat to you, right after I barf in it.

Fuck Bay To Breakers. Shit’s deader than Lindsay Lohan’s career. There was a time when it was more than a parade of 22-year-old frat boys & sorority sluts who can’t get over college puking their way down Fell Street. For fuck’s sake, my dad ran that shit and he was not a man to put up with bullshit, but B2B has been gentrified by scumbags and mental midgets just like everything else that used to be cool in SF.

I hate that people like this live in my city and think that spending a Sunday pissing and puking while wearing ironic running shorts and sweatbands has anything to do with what San Francisco is all about. I can’t wait until they all trade in their overpriced Marina flats for comfortable deathtraps in the suburbs and get the fuck out of town.

Why the rage? It’s simple. You don’t go to someone’s house, piss all over their couch, and then wonder why they hate you.

It's late in the day, but it's still Motherfuckin' Hater Tuesday!

— By Brizz |

Hater Tuesday is a blog that makes no pretenses. It is not trying to be your friend. It is not trying to support your scene. It is, without a doubt, an unstoppable force of hate and comedy that has been keeping it real since at least 2004, and apparently even a few years before that. Back when no one had even heard of Dolores Park. I don’t even think they’d built it yet. I bring it to your attention now because Funky Bitch has unleashed her hate on us this week and it’s fucking hilarious. I’m just disappointed my personal blog didn’t receive a link in the venom, as I’m guilty of much of the stuff she calls out in her latest entry:

The Mission: Listen, I like burritos* and cholos as much as the next gal but enough with the fucking Mission blogotumblrfashionogrampahers already. We are officially at capacity people.
1. Photos of handwritten signage:  You think you’re the first asshole to notice shitty grammar on a store front sign? Give an immigrant a break you fucking dick. No, it’s not worthy of a blog post.
8. Fashion: No more pictures of dirtheads in cut offs, flannel and dirty, err vintage shoes, please.

Past targets have included: Uppity Pregnant Women, Balloons with Words on Them, Fake Pigeon-Toed Hipster Hoes, and, of course, Pussy Triangles (“My pussy does not need a strapless eye patch”).

But What? He Don't Love Them Hos!

— By Laura B |

 

Apparently, a homie with a hellafied gangsta lean (my guess? Snoop Dogg! He’s doing a show at Fillmore tonight!) is hanging out at an underground venue (my guess? The Cellar is on Sutter. And it’s THE CELLAR. WHICH IS UNDERGROUND. AND GHETTO CLASSY. However, I am open to other suggestions…) tonight. It’ll prolly be hella late because of the show but also THIS IS ONLY A GUESS. But an educated one, b/c I know my Snoop Dogg, okay? I basically just outed myself as someone who smokes a lot of weed, huh? Well, I don’t! I just have the taste of someone who smokes hella weed! IN YOUR FACE!

Also, if you send me a pic of you high with D O Double G, I’ll buy you a hooker. Dead or alive. I kid, I can’t afford a live hooker. I KID AGAIN. 

Conversations About Face Wash

— By Bailey Genine |

I had a conversation with my roommate. 
 
Me: Hey man, are you like, by any chance, peeing in my face wash?
Him: What was that?
M: Oh nothing, nevermind.
H: Did you ask if I was peeing in your face wash?
M: Yeah, I mean, it’s orange naturally, but lately it’s been really watery and yellowish.
H: Ha! That’s great, yeah I totally have been, it took you like a month to notice.
M: Oh, neat. Yeah I’ve been meaning to start peeing in yours.
H: Really? No way, that’s not cool, don’t do that.
M: Well, how about I’ll just start peeing in mine and you can just go and pee in yours, it’s like the same thing.
H: Yeah, but if you don’t pee in yours then I’m ruining my own face wash!
M: Yes that’s kind of the point, anyway, I hate you.
 
 
Okay, this conversation has never happened, but it’s been going through my mind all day, you know, ever since I found my watery, yellow face wash.
 
(Crossing my fingers it just filled with water.)
 
(No, yeah, man, I totally understand you’re busy later and can’t hang out. Maybe next wee— Oh you’re busy next week too? How about I call you someti— You don’t want me to call you? Is this because I use pee face wash? Yeah? Oh. Okay that’s cool. See you around, I guess.)

Looks Like Uptown Almanac Is Turning Into 'Your Source' For Epic Bread Man Coverage

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I saw this video and thought “do our readers really want to see another video of this man?”  The answer was quite clearly yes.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Is Epic Beard Man Already a YouTube Sensation?

— By Brizz |

Just received a tip from Hood Rat Stuff With My Friends that there is talk going around that the old bearded guy from the legendary AC Transit video is the man being tasered at the Oakland Coliseum in the above video. Judge for yourself. Could be him, or maybe all old, bearded white dudes in the East Bay are just gnarly.

UPDATE: Hood Rat brings me another tip, a link to a page which seems to confirm that it is the same man in both videos.

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