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ALL POINTS BULLETIN! It's Raining East Coast-Like Visuals All Over Justin Herman Plaza's Face

— By Kate Horton |

Annual Valentine’s Day Flash Mob Pillow Fight is in full effect! More photos to come!*

*Depends on the 3G service, really, and the quality of the cell phone pics taken by my contacts (drunk friends) who are knee-deep in hell down there right now. But yeah, when it comes to Drunk Group Activities, I am your Go To Girl for pics…maybe, soon, possibly, no promises, ok?  YAY PILLOW FIGHTS!

*UPDATE*

The shitty cell phone photos have begun to roll in, slooooowly.  Hey, at least they’re not shitty bathroom graffiti photos, amirite?  Hello?? 

 

 

 

The Financial District means business.

— By Bailey Genine |

 

Dear Guy in Starbucks,

I applaud you. No. That’s not enough. I’ll give you a standing ovation. No. I will start the Wave at a football game for you.

Here you are in your new home office/local Starbucks. You tested the limits of technology. The outlet is on the ceiling, what’d you say? “Fuck that, gravity is on my side.” Sir, you don’t even think twice about not owning a cell phone. I mean, why would you?  You have your house phone that can easily travel with you. You also (sadly, so, so, sadly, not pictured) came prepared with your tighter-than-skin-tight Under Armour shirt and sweatpants pulled up to your chest. Your whole Saturday evening was just a treat to yourself which turned out to be a treat to myself, as well. Thank you, sir. Thank you for this moment that I will cherish for about another week and then forget all about. I hope your business does well in 2010, and if I ever hear a dial tone again, I’ll think of you.

Love,

Your not so secret admirer because my name is right up there at the top of this post. Hi.

Ann Coulter: now with more adam's apple!

— By Laura B |

When you google “adam’s apple” (don’t ask), three of the six images that come back are Ann Coulter. TEE FUCKING HEE.

Also, judging by the most popular google searches, most people don’t care what this crazy bitch has to say, they just want to see her tits/possible wang. My biggest question is: who the fuck wants to see this skank naked? Oh right, my grandpa. CARRY ON!

Drinks Are On Fresno

— By Kate Horton |

Big ups to Fresno, California! As if being the birthplace of the original Popozao, Kevin Federline, wasn’t enough, you can now add the illustrious title of “Drunkest City In America” to your list of stunning achievements!

San Francisco, on the other hand? You placed a pathetic 86th. This is me twirling my cocktail, exhaling slowly, and shaking my head at you with disgust.

If we just apply ourselves people, I know we can do better next year! Fresno should never be allowed to be number one at anything except for producing popstar marrying backup dancers, soul-sucking mediocrity, and meth heads. Oh and probably crops or some bullshit like that. 

 

these three are crazy wasted.

 

(Full list of shitfaced and not so shitfaced cities here)

 

That Ain't a Toy, Kids!

— By Laura B |

Spotted on Ebay*:  a voodoo doll of Grand Wizard Supreme Dragon Pat Robertson. Tight/terrifying.

As of 11:55 pm on Sunday, bidding was at $760. All money goes to the American Red Cross, and while they could have picked a more worthwhile charity, it’s still pretty fresh so get to bidding, hookers!

*This isn’t exactly about SF but since Ebay is a local(-ish) company, I think it counts. Also, we all know I’m just gonna do what I want anyway. This blog is basically like Back to the Future 2, when Biff is in charge and Marty’s mom is a drunk hooker and nuns are murdering babies in the streets and shit. That’s what this blog is like. 

Local Blogger to Judge Tournament of Books, a Fight to the Death!

— By Laura B |

Meave Gallagher, who blogs at Vegansaurus, has been selected as one of the judges for The Morning News’ Tournament of Books. She is in fine company with Jason Kottke, Alex Balk, and uh, this bitch!? Anyway, congrats to Meave for achieving nationwide fame and fortune! May she buy us all mansions with her billions of dollars! That’s all any of us are in this for. That and the hookers GOD I AM DOING THIS ALL WRONG. 

Also, it would be awesome if the tournament of books included a death component, kinda like Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery. Like, you think you’ve won and then BAM! YOU’RE HELLA DEAD! Gotta teach these writers a lesson, they think they’re so special with their fancy book deals and rewarded talent GOD I AM DOING THIS ALL WRONG. 

Meanwhile, in China

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

My buddy Ben is still rocking out in China and sent me these two snaps.  I think you’ll understand why I couldn’t resist:

Homecoming

— By Brizz |

Hello.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I just want to thank San Francisco for the homecoming I received at 16th & Mission today. I’m sure nothing new can be written about this intersection, but blogging is what the word “masturbatory” was invented for, so here I go. I knew something exciting would be greeting me as I ascended the escalator from my several week exile to Los Angeles. Would it be people screaming at each other? Someone smoking crack? Some sludge metal band? Or maybe a man bleeding to death on the sidewalk like that time I met my mom, who had taken Bart in from the East Bay, at this station. Luckily, my mom grew up in the projects in Queens, and she swears she was in a gang (I don’t think she understands what a gang is), so it didn’t phase her too badly.

Today, it would be a performance artist—a combination of GG Allin, Blue Man Group, and Gallagher—who spun in circles and strewn vomit in the air like San Francisco’s version of the Bellagio water show. There you are lady. I am sorry for your fate. But thank you for this welcome. I might have thought I missed my stop and had emerged in Walnut Creek were it not for you. 

(And yes, I posted this photo on that other internet thing I do, and will try not to do that in the future. I am deeply sorry.)

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