Douchebaggery

Student Rescues Woman from Stubborn Creep on BART

BART photo by Steve Lambert

We all know the situation — a creepy stranger just won't stop hitting on someone.  The creep's inexhaustible stubbornness shrugs off even the most direct signs of disinterest.

Local student and blogger Chris Brecheen found himself witness to such a situation while on a nearly empty BART train:

He waited until the train was in motion to make his move—a true sign of someone who knows how to make the environment work to their advantage.  Then he leaned forward.  “Hi.”  “How you doing?”  “What are you reading?”  “What's your name?” “I really like your hair.” “That's a really nice skirt.”  “You must work out.”

It was painful to watch.  She clearly wanted nothing to do with him, and he clearly wasn't going to take the hint.

How uncomfortable.  What should one do when one sees a victim in this situation?  Awkwardly pretend not to stare while secretly hoping the creep gets the message?  Or should one step up and play the hero?  Brecheen took the latter path.

Read on for the satisfying conclusion to his epic tale.  It's well worth it.

Have you ever helped someone out of a similarly awkward jam?  Was public transit involved?  Let us know in the comments.

Self-Loathing Twitter Employee Chronicles the Doom and Decadence of San Francisco's Most Tax-Exempt Startup

Meet Twitter Entitled, an unfortunate and pitifully hilarious collection of overheards within the headquarters of Mid-Market's golden goose.  It's blood-boiling, really—like watching Veruca Salt tantrum her way through Wonka's Chocolate Factory.  But who can resist laughing at bad eggs?

Another self-loathing Twitter employee, who claims to know the person responsible for the account, assures us these quotes are genuine rumblings of alleged human beings—a claim we have no way of substantiating, but we don't particularly doubt either. [UPDATE: at some point this afternoon, the maintainer added “#satire” to the description. Read into that however you want.] [UPDATE II: jwz reports that Twitter's “comms team was crying a river over this today,” suggesting this isn't satire.]  So enjoy a few of our favorite gems, and thank your lucky stars that This Is Ron Conway's Town Now:

Top 5 Petty Complaints About the Engineers Across the Hall

So for background, there's some tech company that has their office across the hall from mine and a couple of months ago they doubled their staff of engineers. I've been noticing some disturbing trends, mostly related to the only places I interact with them—the hallways and bathroom. I'll note that we did not have any of these issues until this company scaled up their engineering team.

  1. The barefoot dude who is barefoot in the bathroom all the time. 
    Now I understand the urge to relax and take your shoes off at work, I really do.  I would never do it because I'm not disgusting, but I do understand the urge.  However, bathrooms are gross.  People pee and poop in there—not hygienic. This guy (all of these incidents are perpetrated by dudes, obv) literally comes into the bathroom, going about his business, in his bare feet.  What. The. Fuck.  I have to wonder, is this something he is open about and has a philosophical stance on like “Humans weren't meant to wear shoes!  Monkeys don't wear shoes and I'm no better than that, so I don't wear shoes either!”  Or is it his shameful secret that he only indulges in at work because all of his co-workers are also super grody and won't bat an eye?  Does his doctor keep getting conflicting excuses as to why he keeps coming in with cases of hookworm?

    So many questions, so few answers.
     
  2. The “I'm too busy to wash my hands” guy.
    This fucking guy.  Never washes his hands, and is super blatant about how gross he is. He just walks in, drops the kids off at the pool, and then wanders out without a care in the world.  We've started putting signs up saying “employees must wash hands.” The signs aren't working.
     
  3. The crumbs in the hallway.
    How can there be this many damn crumbs in the hallway?  It looks like a construction site or a wood-working shop… but with like… crumbs instead of sawdust?  Are there ducks in the office you are trying to feed?  Because I haven't seen any ducks around here.  I think you are just walking around with your sandwiches being super gross eaters.  The ducks down at the park may approve of this behavior but I am not a duck, and I hate you.
     
  4. The toothbrush incident.
    You're a grown-ass man working at a fancy tech company. You probably have a bathroom at home with a mirror and everything. You're really bringing your toothbrush and toothpaste to work like it's some kind of middle school campout? No. No no no. It's gross, and you are gross. You are gross every day, because I see you doing this every day.
     
  5. The toilet situation.
    The state of our toilets is shameful.  I should have known what was coming because a month after all these gross nerds moved in, there were signs on every toilet stall stating clearly that “Due to popular demand, the toilets will be replaced with high capacity versions.”  Let me break that down for you:

    a) “Due to popular demand” - many people have asked for this thing to happen.
    b) “High capacity” - mega gross nerd shits.

    Even with our new super-shitters, the nerds next door keep breaking them with their uber-turds, and leaving celebratory piles of TP, bowl protectors, paper hand towels, and napkins (????) strewn about.  Fucking awesome.

I hope we've all learned an important lesson from this: nerds are horrible and gross, and all stereotypes are 100% correct.

Startup Looks to Replace Shitty-Ass Muni With Bougie-Ass Shuttle Bus

Because the last startup with a dog avatar crushed it.

Look, we get it: Muni is pretty much a giant hollowed out piece of dogshit on wheels.  Its schedule is random, at best.  NextBus, a horror show.  It's crowded, smelly, sketchy, slow, socialist, impossible, insufferable, expensive, and people clip their toenails on it.  Being drunk is pretty much a prerequisite for boarding.  Also, it doesn't have wifi and leather seats.

No one seems to know how to fix it.  It takes San Francisco 16 years to construct a single high-speed line, while Mexico City reinvents their entire bus system in three.  Willie “Da Mayor” Brown can do little more than joke about his fantastic ineptitude in fixing Muni.  And Scott Wiener still hasn't responded to my pleas to criminalize pedicures on the 14 Mission.

What can be done?

Meet Leap, the latest coddle libertarian startup that knows Muni's issues stems from our secret jealously of Google Buses:

Leap is a shuttle service for San Francisco commuters.

Leap is the best way to get to work. Our shuttles will take you downtown in the morning, and back home in the evening. Our first route, the Chestnut Express, services the Marina. We'll be adding more routes soon.

Promising “A Seat For Everyone,” a ride on Nu Muni will cost you $6 each way—assuming you own an iPhone and live on a profitable route.  Numi also only runs weekdays from “7:00 AM to 10:00 AM and from 4:00 PM to 7:00 PM,” because those are the times everyone needs to ride the bus. (Sorry granny on a fixed income.)

We reached out to Greg Dewar of the N-Judah Chronciles for some initial thoughts on this stunning disruption of public transit:

This is going to blow up for a few reasons:

1. Just because it's not a Muni bus doesn't mean it can't get stuck in the same traffic Muni does.

2. If this amplifies the already existing problem of private buses at Muni stops, you can better believe MTA will crack down on them.

3. Their base cost is very high if they aren't using public power (like Muni does and is the only one that can). [Ed: never mind increased pollution from not being electric.]

4. It can't replace Muni. It only makes sense for them to run on lines that produce the most riders. They're not going to have these things in West Portal. It'll be a downtown thing to a few neighborhoods at best and even then there are insurance issues and rights of way issues.

5. It'll get a shitload of free press, it'll start up, and it will fail because they can't serve the entire city AND beat Muni. At best I see this as a snooty bus “system” that will leave most people still stranded.

We love it.  Ayn Rand's libertarian fantasy world is finally taking root in San Francisco.  Paul Ryan for mayor anyone?

(Meanwhile:)

[h/t Connie Hwong]

The Bold Italic Takes a Quick Break From Stereotyping Everyone to Ask Others to Stop Stereotyping Techies

The Bold Italic has built an empire lost their parent company Gannett Company, Inc. millions of dollars by pushing borderline racist listicles and backstories exploring our city's most tired stereotypes.  Now, their completely oblivious editor “producer” Jennifer Maerz has had it up to here with commonfolk stereotyping poor techies, goshdarnit!

According to Maerz, techies The Bold Italic's primary customers aren't making assault weapons (true!, kinda) and not every techie is a yuppie satan-spawn that would have been a Manhattanite financier if born a generation ago (true!, obviously), so let's cut them some slack and save our stereotypin' energy for Chinese people and everyone else in the city, okay?

She explains why you should get with the brogram:

I don't blame an entire industry (and every single person who works within it) for a city growing expensive, and I'm getting tired of hearing complaints from friends and strangers who make mass generalizations about people they likely have never met or worked with. I know we've done our own stereotyping on TBI of tech folks too, but our writers have approached the topic as parodies. It's hard watching the very serious hatred for people who have tech jobs grow stronger in posts and forums. It's not like these folks are making assault weapons for a living. Most of my friends who work in startups are helping build information systems that benefit universities, organize and label your iTunes music collections, and help get the bands you want to see to your city. You can't lump all tech work, or people using the medium to push out new ideas, as evil.

We completely agree.  Wholesale dismissal of people based on what employee badge they carry is a real poor idea.  And we know plenty of people who ride the shuttles and are perfectly bearable humans.  But the idea that the industry's occasional nobleness and lack of complete sameness makes it somehow off-limits to criticize its rampant racism, gender inequality and sexism, insularity and cronyism—never mind the widening inequality and and Republican tax policies it promotes—is completely baffling.

(Besides, should we not criticize bankers despite the fact their industry is by and large corrupt?)

Anyway, if the brogrammer apologists at The Bold Italic really want to stop techie stereotyping, maybe they should start with themselves?

Sights Now Set On Annexing Anza Vista as 'North of NOPA'

Gentrification Wars Update! The Battle for Western Addition continues!

Following news concerning the inevitable fall of Da Pitt, the NOPA flag of gentrification was hoisted victoriously over Divisadero and the forces of wealth have lost no time continuing their march into the surrounding microhoods of Western Addition. Through the subterfuge of their [Real Estate] agents, they've already begun to sow the seeds of a well funded insurgency in the nearby neighborhood of Anza Vista (the area around the Kaiser Hospital, sandwiched up against Divisadero, between Geary and Turk,) by renaming it something a little more trendy and wealth friendly - “North of NOPA”.

This signifies a major coup among the gentrifiers and real estate agents themselves, who only last year were peddling the Anza Vista name as a 'nice alternative' to the grit of the Western Addition mantle. But hey, 'NOPA's hot, so why not just rename Anza Vista “North of NOPA”, ie: North of North of the Panhandle. 

Can't wait until they rename the Panhandle 'South of the North of the Panhandle'. Fucking idiots. 

SFC Podcast EP02: The Web of Lies

Sierra and Sam are easily Uptown Almanac's least favorite contributors, so you're looking for another reason to loathe Sam or Sierra, look no further.

In this episode of SFC, the two best friends share their tale of devotion, deceit, and the pains of being a young renter in San Francisco. Through their incriminating tale, both kids are exposed as the no-good, lying sacks of shit that they are. Enjoy!

If you have a story you'd like to tell, be it funny, sad, hopeful, poetry, or just plain crude, drop us a line at sfcpod@gmail.com.  You can also find SFC on iTunes.

Show Credits:

  • Daniel Jarvis (Producer, Editor)
  • Sierra Frost (Story, Music Curation)
  • Sam Bartos (Story, Lies)
  • Marie McIntosh (Story)

Neighbor Seeks to Block Dolores Park Renovations—Because of Childhood Obesity

Despite the park's praised reputation as a boundless off-leash dog park and enhanced adult recreation emporium, a lone neighbor wants to further delay Dolores Park's already drawn-out renovation project.  For The Children.

According to an appeal filed last week by Dr. Claudia Praetel, the planned two off-leash dog play areas “are by no means acceptable to many families with school-aged children who are using this park.”  She elaborates:

Serious concern for loss of open space for children: Dolores Park is adjacent to 2 schools and has more than 8 other schools near by - desperate need for open space for children to run and play in order to stem childhood obesity pandemic.

The Mission has a very high to higher density of children aged 6-12 per net acre, a large park with open space is paramount to their healthy development in an inner city setting, were other parks may not be accessible to them.

That's right, with dozens of pugs let loose across the park, our so-called future won't have space to beat back their looming rotundity.  The only way to spare their waistlines is to hold up the entire park renovation.

Or, at least, that's the claim.

The appeal is willfully oblivious to the park's current popularity—as if blocking the renovation and a second “legal” off-leash dog area with it will magically disperse the hundreds of adultish people littered about daily.  But even so, no matter how wildly absurd the protest is, the city has to take it seriously.

“Unfortunately, right before the deadline, an appeal was filed of the Mitigated Negative Declaration for the Dolores Park project,” a legislative aide to Supervisor Wiener wrote Friday. “This triggers a hearing at the Planning Commission and could delay consideration of the project by the Recreation and Parks Commission.  A further appeal is then possible to the Board of Supervisors.”

What's even worse is this loner appellant could effectively derail the community-driven consensus redesign process; one that involved dozens—if not hundreds—of park users over the course of two years, specifically to avoid leaving anyone out.

“Did we not have an exhaustive community process to try and settle this? Now 'a concerned citizen' will hold up the much needed and truly vetted Dolores Park renovation,” Robert Burst, co-founder of Dolores Park Works, told us.

“This is not democracy, it's harassment.”

Below, the entirety of the appeal's text, for your amusement and grief:

[Photo by Niall Kennedy]

As More Valet Parking Comes to Valencia, Supervisors Cool on Proposed Restaurant Moratorium

Biking along Valencia during rush hour has long been a dangerous dance of swerving around cars pulling into the bike lane for valet parking or to drop hungry frumps off in front of restaurants.  However, the messy street scene, which was typically contained to the two blocks between 16th and 18th, has crept further south in recent months.  Just two weeks ago, Abbot's Cellar—who previously promised neighbors they'd never offer valet parking—began blocking the bike lane with valet parking at 19th and Valencia.

It's hard not to see it as a harbinger of further valets along the white table-clothed Valencia.

So as I hastily dodged a Town Car last Tuesday, I couldn't help but wonder whatever came of Valencia's proposed restaurant moratorium.  If you recall, it was last November that the Valencia Corridor Merchant's Association (VCMA) endorsed a plan to put a temporary ban on new restaurants and a conditional use permit on them following that, in hopes of preserving some of the street's economic diversity.

However, in the months that followed, the neighborhood's two elected supervisors—David Campos and Scott Wiener—have remained coy on the matter.  In fact, Campos last told Mission Local, “I haven’t taken a position yet [on the moratorium],” and Wiener told the Chronicle's resident old person C.W. Nevius, “I'm pretty skeptical of a moratorium.”

Since those comments, two more restaurants and Abbot's valet parking have come to Valencia.

“The word moratorium triggers an emotional response. It sounds very permanent,” a local businessman and member of the VCMA—who requested anonymity—recently told us. “I keep hearing that other neighborhoods have enacted permanent moratoriums and it was DEVASTATING to the community. Look at Noe Valley for example. They had 6 restaurants, so they enacted a permanent moratorium. Over the years as each of those restaurants closed, they ended up with no place to eat. It was a HUGE mistake. Thank GOD they got rid of that.”

He explains what VCMA was actually proposing:

The VCMA actually recommended that Planning Department should consider the views of the community (businesses and residents) before rubber stamping another new full-service (not self-service, like Curry Up Now) restaurant opening up on Valencia (and “new” as in brand new—used-to-be-a-book-store-new, not used-to-be-another-full-service-restaurant new). This is called a Special Use Permit process.

This was to be proceed by a temporary breather - a 12 month moratorium.

However, after some negative press came in from the likes of C.W. Nevius, Wiener and Campos spiked the proposal.  Wiener himself told the Chronicle, “[Moratoriums] were enacted in Noe and the Castro in the late '80s, and the food scene in both neighborhoods suffered.”

Of course, the Mission isn't Noe Valley.  Valencia alone has 36 restaurants between 15th and 20th, and that doesn't include the dozens on sides streets immediately off of Valencia.  Even if the VCMA supported a full ban on new restaurants—which they obviously are not—it's not like the Mission would suddenly be a foodless wasteland.

“The supervisors who were once supportive of the Special Use Permit idea (it even came from one of them) don't seem to be very excited about it now,” our source confirmed. “But they seem to want to be able to do something.”

Do something?

“They are proposing a cap at a percentage by block.”

That's right, the supervisors what to restrict the number of restaurants per block to a certain percentage.

That might strike you as a good way to prevent total homogeneity along Valencia without resorting to something silly like “community imput” and “temporary breathers.”  But with 41% of all storefronts between 15th and 20th are already restaurants, it's difficult to see how that'll solve anything.

Well, anything besides the Supervisor's getting bad press from a moratorium, of course…

Geico Believes Cyclists Are At Fault For Being Doored

Cyclist? Sorry 'bout it

As cyclists in this city know, getting doored happens more often that you think it does. Just last weekend our very own fearless blogger KevMo was doored by taxi on Sanchez St, which resulted in a swollen knee and a higher than usual bar tab later that night. I was doored by SFPD on my birthday 2 years ago. Commuters and messengers get doored on Market street on a weekly basis. But not everyone walks away with only minor injuries and a dented front wheel when they get doored. Recently, San Francisco resident Melissa Moore had a harrowing experience on Polk Street which left her in immense pain. As she told Streetsblog:

Just before 9am, I was going east on McAllister about to turn left onto Polk Street. I waited for a car to take a right onto Polk before I made my turn. About halfway up the block, the car pulled into the bike lane in front of me and then parked (despite the fact that there was an available driveway less than 10 feet in front of him). I maneuvered out into the street to circumvent the car. When I reached the driver side, he swung open his door into my bike. (I later learned that the door caught my right pedal.) I crashed into the street, pretzeled with my bike. There was a white flash and a feeling of something snapping, then darkness. I heard muffled voices asking if I was okay. Unable to speak or move for a couple minutes, I searched for my breath and assessed if the snapping was my spine breaking. It hurt immensely and I expressed that to the anonymous voices. The driver asked if I wanted him to call the police and I said “yes.” Then I felt hands on me, pulling me up off the ground.

Melissa goes on to recount when the police came, her going to the hospital, etc., but the worst is what happened when she filed a claim with the drivers insurance company, Geico. They claimed that she was 20% at fault in this accident because, as Geico puts it, she “failed to control [her] speed in order to avoid an accident and lost control of [her] bicycle.”

Let that sink in for a minute. A cyclist, going uphill on Polk street, failed to control her speed, and crashed into a door.

I don't personally know Melissa, so I don't know how fast she is on a bike or how strong a of climber she is, but I'm betting that she did not accelerate into the door while sprinting uphill on her mountain bike. And I know that I am not wrong because there is a video of the entire accident. Watch for yourself:

As you can see, she suddenly accelerates to Lance Armstrong on EPO speeds and completely rips off the drivers side door due to the force of the impact, all while screaming HULK SMASH. Or at least that's what Geico sees this as. Unbelievable.

I'd also like to point out that California Vehicle Code 22517, as mentioned in the Streetsblog article, is very ambiguous. While the code states that you cannot open your car door into traffic unless it's safe to do so, it offers no protection for cyclists who have to weave in and out of traffic because of drivers that do stop in the bike lane, taxi or private car. It does, however, does apply when a cyclist is riding to the right of the car in a non-designated bike lane, like on Market St.  This law was made to protect cyclists, but it cannot protect cyclists in all situations, so what could be changed to better protect cyclists like Melissa and everyone else who rides bikes?

[Streetsblog]

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