Douchebaggery

Locanda's New "Do Not Block the Bike Lane" Signage Prominently Ignored

Locanda has been racking up bunch of 1 star Yelp reviews thanks to their “insane plan” of having valets block one of SF's most trafficked bike lines, so they dealt with the controversy in the most sensible way possible: posting a typographically-pleasing sign pleading for fancy motorists to “circle the block” and not block the lane.  And, as we can clearly see, baller Honda drivers are straight-up disregarding the signage.

Of course, all this wouldn't bother me if SFPD wasn't cracking down on cyclists disregarding traffic laws while letting this shit slide.  Can we, like, get a little reciprocity?

[Photo by Tastr, who's been covering the Locanda drama from the get-go]

Seven-Year-Old Mission Mural Destroyed by Vandals

DVTDL? reports:

So someone completely destroyed the mural on 17th street between Alabama and Florida over the weekend. The mural was just over 7 years old, and was made by local artists.

While walking by today I took a quick series of the damage with my cell phone. I  quickly pasted them together to give a sense of the damage. It’s pretty unreal. […]

I think the reason this makes me so upset is twofold: 1) I know several of the artists. 2) There is a huge blank white wall just across the street. Dude(s), tag that instead of the mural.

That is all.

I'll spare you the usual “good vs. bad graffiti” debate, as I'm pretty sure we have our minds made up about that.  Instead, here's a couple of shots of the mural, as seen in better days:

Seapunk Is Ruining My Life

Just kidding. My life is already ruined, but…

Is anybody else as sick of the future as I am? It’s hard to feel like things haven’t gotten out of control. Or, wait. It’s hard not to feel like things have gotten out of control. Uh. I feel like things are out of control. What I’m trying to say is that a while back I accepted, if a little begrudgingly, the notion of “chillwave” into my awareness fine, but Seapunk? No way. Seapunk, dear friends, is where I draw the line.

If you don’t know what Seapunk is, congratulations: we’re sort of in the same boat. ZING! I’ll fill you in on what little I know about this movement. So like kids dye their hair light blue and listen to 90s inspired electronic music. Nautical accessories are a must and being from Chicago is a plus, but I have absolutely know idea why. The whole thing is a lot like steampunk I think, but blueish.  Ah, here’s one now…

Hate to admit it, but this chick seems pretty hard not to like. Note the blue hair. 

Oh, here’s a Seapunk that’s a little trickier to wrap your head around:

So right off the bat, are we using 90’s rave lingo again? PLUR? What does that mean again? Peace Love Uuuuh, Roofies? Something like that. As for the shell, I can only assume that this is what merboys use for manpurses. 

I have a sneaking suspicion the whole point of these kids existing is so that they can take pictures of how nutso they look and to put them up on the internetz so that people like me can be all “Whaaa??? What are you even doing???”

The thing that kills me is that I’m basically dying of jealousy that these people have the space in their lives to die their hair blue and get neck tattoos. I’d do anything to have that kind of time and energy. But no, I just get to sit here at home scratching my head while I look at goofy pictures of these kids and ask myself over and over again; how can it be that they are so fucking cool???

Who Pays $1200 To See Kreayshawn on New Year's Eve?

Teenagers. Teenagers pay the big bucks to see their idol peer Kreayshawn imitate someone who can rap on New Years Eve. Saturday night's show at the Regency was all ages and from the looks of it, was a complete fucking disaster.

An informant has confirmed that this show was indeed a hot mess, complete with 14 year old girls puking up mommy's home cooking, pissing in the sink and puking in trash cans while their chaperones looked on indifferently. Another adult attendee said he was legitimately worried about slipping and falling due to the amount of bodily substances on the floor. Of course when you're that age and out for an unsupervised new years eve, you and your bff girlfriends can't help but have like THE ABSOLUTE TOTALLY BEST NIGHT EVER!!!!

One Tumblr diarist gave an especially glowing review:

BEST. NIGHT. OF. MY. LIFE. I cannot thank Kreayshawn enough for everything she has done for me and all of her other fans. She is truly such an amazing person. Actually meeting her and getting the opportunity to talk to her was incredible! She is so down to earth and genuine. Please don’t ever tell me she isn’t a good person. She is so great to her fans! … Seeing all of the people out in the crowd there for her and V-Nasty was insane! I’m so proud of the two of them and how far they have come. It’s only the beginning. 2012 is their year! WHITE GIRL MOB IS TAKING OVER!

Looks like the miscreant zygotes of the Bay Area had the best New Years Eve ever. Here's hoping they all made it back to Walnut Creek safe, sound, and before curfew.

And finally for your listening pleasure/to make your brains melt and seep out of your ears, please enjoy this mashup of 'Gucci Gucci' and Lou Bega's 'Mambo #5!”

How Bad Can Medjool's Brunch Be?

TK has put together a compelling guide to New Year's Day brunching, and the brunch at Medjool is bringing out the morbid curiosity in us all:

At first I was all HA HA BIG JOKE I'LL PUT MEDJOOL ON THERE AND WE WILL LAUGH AND LAUGH and then I looked at the brunch menu and guys, it's a brunch buffet for $10.99, and the mimosas are THREE DOLLARS. It can't be THAT bad for brunch, right? I mean, the spiky-hair/shiny-shirt crowd will be at Circa, not here, right? Somebody talk me down. UNKNOWN STARS.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh, see you there?

[40 going on 28 | Gangsta photo by TJ DeGroat]

How the Junkie Stole Christmas!

We know, theft is nothing new, but I saw this wannabe Jesse Pinkman earlier today pull out about a dozen thieved duds from his pants and hoodie and dump them on Capp Street.  Which itself might not be notable, but after he cleared his pants of new clothes, he pulled a Santa hat out of the ass of his pants and put it on his head before stuffing all the clothes in a shopping bag and making off down the street.

Stay classy!

Epic Hater Charges Lavish Underachievers $30 to Quietly Judge Hipsters in Dolores Park

Vayable is a website in which qualified and unqualified people alike sell “tours” of various urban experiences—tours such as being homeless for 24 hours in the Tenderloin, or riding a longboard through Berkeley.  Think of it as an OkCupid for people who want to have 2-6 hours of awkward conversation with a stranger that doesn't result in sex.

Well, now said tours have made their way to the Mission and its sloping mating grounds, Dolores Park.  But the tours of Dolores aren't being offered up by people who 'get' the park.  Oh no.  Take the $30 and two-hour-long “I Came, I Drank, I Judged”:

Do you ever notice that on a beautiful Indian Summer afternoon, all the beautiful people come out and play? I don't. I'm fairly certain that the reason why Dolores Park is so popular on the weekends is that it's a wonderful place to go when you need a boost in self-esteem.

Feeling like an underachiever? Look at those kids slacklining - someone tell them there's no real world application for that BS. Feeling frumpy? Everyone is in hoodies and one-size-too-tight leggings. Feeling retarded? There's always someone who's high on a mystery and acting acting retarded-er. It's the perfect place to people watch, and more importantly, judge to your heart's content.

I'll bring some wine and cheese and teach you how to pair them, as we judge the hipsters around us - because everyone knows that Confucius said, “Judging is best done when you're stuffing your face and getting drunk.” So come out to the park, we'll imbibe, we'll indulge, and we'll JUDGE the crap out of everyone sitting nearby.

For: People that want to partake in wine and cheese… and judge those hipsters in the park.

Cost Includes: Wine in a red cup. Red wine. This is california. We drink full bodied pinots. Get a little culture will ya? Sheesh. Also, Cheese. I'll be bringing a blanket.

I take issue with almost all of this—mainly that smug tour guides give everyone who downs wine and cheese in the park a bad name.  And what kind of bullshit is that?  There's nothing I love more than cruising by the park after a long day of summertime work and enjoying a nice jug of Carlo Rossi while sucking the nitrous out of cans of Easy Cheese.

But it goes beyond that: if everyone goes to the park to boost their self-esteem, then what does that say about you and the guy who's violently jacking-off under a blanket sitting next to you?  You go to the park and belittle 'frumpy' girls just to feel better about yourself; meanwhile, the dude with his goddamn gear in one hand and the meth pipe in the other is plenty happy with his life and those girl's—including, coincidentally, your—looks.  Has this semen-spewing lunatic found the secret to love and happiness amidst an ocean of depression, unemployment, and chunky thighs?  Or is this tour just being offered up by some sad sack who can only get people to hang out with them in Dolores Park by masquerading as a tour guide?

You can draw whatever conclusion you'd like, but what I'm saying here is you'd be better off spending that $30 on a bag of crystal and a bottle of Jergens.

[Photo by Josefine Karlsson]

New Mission Bar Declares Shuffleboard Should Cost Money

No one here is going to argue that bars are charities, but there have always been a few accepted customs in Mission bartending: PBR doesn't cost more than two bucks, pours should always be strong, and shuffleboard is a pickup game to be enjoyed by anyone willing to signup for the next round.  It's these simple rules that have ensured the neighborhood remained a safe haven for broke, drunk slobs for years.

Well, the recently-opened sports bar/shrine to delicious Pittsburgh-style gluttony, Giordano Bros., has broken the tradition, not only charging Medjool prices for mediocre beer, but by imposing a fee for a few rounds of shuffleboard.  Heresy!

I probably shouldn't be too pissed—it's not like anyone with a shred of dignity and a basic appreciation for decor would ever go here anyway.  But it's a slippery slope, my friends.  Next thing you know, bars will be asking us to pay for pool.

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