— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
San Francisco natives sure love reminding everyone that they're San Francisco natives. Even our newspapers distinguish between natives and non-natives, as if being born on this soil makes someone's thoughts on the zoo's baby koala any more valid. Well now, old school natives can just wear it on their chest, making sure no one mistakes them for one of those damn transplants.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Imagine my horror the other night as I spotted this hiptard out of the corner of my eye while drinking at Uptown. As this crappy picture shows, this dudebro was hanging out at the bar and rocking a Hitler mustache with zero shame. So many things rushed through my mind: do I talk to him to figure out what motivates someone to do this? Is he Jewish and trying to take irony to a macabre next level? Should I smash my bottle over the bar and stab him in the throat?
Ultimately murder seemed like a bad idea—plus I was too intoxicated to properly wield a broken bottle—and the idea of trying to talk to a person like this made me want to die. Instead, I just was that creepy guy who sneaked a picture of Hipster Hitler IRL and bounced to a bar that wouldn't let someone like this in. Even so, what the fuck?
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
We generally don't post things like this, but this particular circumstance is extremely fucked up. So if you see and crackheads selling a cute small dog anytime soon, give this person a ring.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Funcheap reminds us that this Saturday is the “Snuggie Pub Crawl”, which is basically SantaCon for the Polk Gulch set, complete with self-actualizing corporate sponsorship. That's right, instead of drinking your way through the day spreading Christmas cheer and your stomach acid all over the city, you'll just be drinking at all the bars you'd typically avoid while looking like an even more pathetic version of Liz Lemon. Don't get me wrong, I'll be there because I love disaster tourism. However, instead of spending $14 at 'Targét' for a Snuggie, I'll just be wearing my “ghost” costume from 5th grade. So be sure to clean the cat hair and Cheetos off your Snuggie before attending; you never know if you'll meet that special Astronaut who's as desperate and lonely as you at SnuggieCrawl!
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Because this is so much better than plants and a comfortable place to sit.
For the past year, there has been a fair amount of grumbling from local businesses and neighbors about the 220-space parking lot at 17th and Folsom being converted to a public park. The complaints have generally ranged from the petty safety concerns to the lazy (because parking your car at 14th and Harrison and walking three blocks is hard). However, up until this week, these vocal, car-loving neighbors never bothered to do anything more than talk about opposing the park. From the SF Examiner:
A coalition of 15 businesses within a one-block radius of the 220-space lot have appealed The City’s decision to allow construction of the new park without an environmental review.
“My company has been here since the early ’70s,” said Michael York, who owns Ocean Sash and Door, a custom door and window warehouse and company that operates in two buildings across from the lot. “The installers have tool boxes. They prefer to park in there.”
Damn. 15 businesses lobbying the city to take a step back before building the park? Given the way things go in this town, that likely means this park won't be built for another decade which, well, just sucks.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Lots of stuff.
Apparently a new collective vintage/antique shop just opened on Valencia at Market called “Stuff.” I'm calling “Bullshit.” As Generic pointed out 7 months back, this trend of naming a business literally after what it sells is both boring and not as clever as people must convince themselves it is. Chow, Grub, and now Stuff? If this trend continues, soon some brilliant San Franciscan will open a restaurant and call it “Meal.” Or a diner and call it “Breakfast.” Or a bar and call it “Mistake.”
— By Uptown Almanac (@uptownalmanac) |
SCENE I: “Exclusivity is a Bitch.” by Kevin Montgomery
As one who appreciates the finer aspects of wearing $5 jean shorts purchased from thrift stores and paying $800 a month to live in a walk-in closet smack in the middle of a Latino neighborhood, I've always been fascinated by the Mexican Party Bus. Legend has it that it was started in the early 90s to provide a fun way for Latinos living in the East Bay to check out SF salsa and dance clubs. “A secret the Latinos of the Bay Area keep to themselves,” wrote one of the Bus's first Yelp reviewers. Then a few years ago, white people discovered it. Rental costs soared. Forever gentrified.
So there I was on a rainy Friday night. No plans for the evening. Standing outside of Dirty Thieves after drinking two 16s and a shot from the well, keeping my buddy company as he sucked down cigarettes. Aimless nights such as these never end well. Drink more well whiskey. Drink another pint. Get the brilliant idea to walk to Pop's. Swing into the corner store and buy a tallcan to sip on along the way. Get to Pop's. Do another shot. Do another pint. Wake up in your bed swimming in an ocean of misery and regret. Do it all over again next week.
As the crushing reality of the night's direction set in, the Mexican Party Bus began boarding for its departure from Dirty to some new and possibly exotic location. “Jon, this is a sign from God.” We do our best to blend in with the well-dressed crowd and board the bus.
This plan might have worked. But see, Jon was wearing a long trench coat to keep him dry and therefore looked sketch. I was looking like myself, which is inherently displeasing to the eye. We neared the back of the decked-out school bus—because that's where the cool kids sit—and were immediately called out for our lack of class, familiarity, and aestetic. “You're not supposed to be here.” “Yes we are, Kate invited us on. Kate's really nice.” “We don't know any Kate's.” “Yes you do… Kate Sheppard.” “You need to get off the bus.”
Called out. We turn to the front of the bus. The isles are packed with drunk kids. “Let's go out the emergency exit.” “YOU BETTER FUCKING NOT.” The assertive young chap kicking us off the bus stands up and gets right in our face. Last time a stranger asserted himself like that to me, I punched him straight in the face. Then I punched two of his friends. Then I got thrown through a glass table. I don't get into bar fights anymore. We walk out the front of the bus, knowing that some random Mission kids are not worthy of such adventures.
SCENE II: “The Mexican Party Bus: Cultural Anthropology Report” by Alan Fineberg
I was leaving Dirty Thieves, trailing after some blog bros I had been “chillin' with” and ready to call it an early Friday evening. Imagine my mild confusion when they were nowhere to be found.
Then, out of nowhere, two of said blog bros were kicked off of the Party Bus.
They dared me to board the bus, and because of my background in Anthropology I turned to Erika and said “I'll do it if you do it.” She said she would and so then I did but she didn't.
Now I am on the bus and the bus people say, “Were those your friends? They were d-bags.” They were, and they were. They said the bus was going to Alameda.
I waved goodbye to the “d-bags” and Erika as the bus pulled away. The windows were steamy and I couldn't see where we were going. Hopefully not Alameda.
I met some of the nice, trusting people on the bus, and conducted some participant interviews. They are interested in two things: drinking and dancing.
A third interest for some of the bus people was sitting languidly, hoping to calm their roiling stomachs as the bus lurched this way and that.
Two of the bus people got bored and decided it would be fun to kick me off the Mexican Party Bus, but I had buy-in from the other bus people and after a brief confrontation they admitted they were “power tripping.” Fortunately, I was permitted to remain in the bus and continue to live amongst the bus people.
The bus people were also interested in stopping the bus for frequent “piss breaks,” probably because the Party Bus does not contain a toilet.
After the third stop, I disembarked and found myself in the Tenderloin (which is not in Alameda). I walked out onto the streets of San Francisco, wondering when I would find myself suddenly on a Mexican Party Bus again, what I might learn, and where it might take me.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
I don't know if everyone has been following the epic NIMBY battle going on in Bernal Heights over the historic Coca Cola billboard, but it's good stuff. To recap: a lone hater neighbor complained to the city that this 'corporate billboard' violated the city's strict laws against billboards, the city agreed and demanded the owner of the building paint over it. After some neighborhood outrage, the city backtracked and said if the owner of the building could prove that the billboard was put up prior to 1965, it could stay as it would be deemed “historic” and would be grandfathered into the pool of legal billboards. Some sleuthing by Bernalwood and Burrito Justice proved that the mural, which has been maintained by the building owner since 1991 (hence looking fresh), was originally painted in the late 1930's or early 40s.
Crisis adverted, right? Nope. After proving the billboard met the city's requirement, the city's sign expert told the Chronicle, “But the law is totally nondiscretionary. This is a residential district and an unpermitted general advertising sign.” Really? What about that whole 1965 nonsense? Basically, the city was just “lol jk!” about that and will require it be either painted over or that Supervisor David Campos introduce legislation to make a “special sign district,” legislation that would have to be “reviewed by the Planning Commission, the board's Land Use Committee, the Board of Supervisors and, quite possibly, the Historic Preservation Commission.” Seems like a whole lot of bullshit for a harmless sign that has been visible for decades….
The Chronicle called up Supervisor Campos to see what he thought:
Campos is still mulling the issue.
“We haven’t really taken a position either way,” Campos said. “We want to hear more from the neighborhood.”
He said he’s already received a handful of passionate e-mails from both sides.
“We’re trying to fight childhood obesity,” he said. “We don’t want to promote kids drinking Coca-Cola.”
Sigh.
(Read more about the drama at Bernalwood | photo by Troy Holden)
— By Uptown Almanac (@uptownalmanac) |
Note: At the request of a company associated with the show, this post was temporarily removed and edited.
Butler, alleged drug kingpin and your mom's boss, on ABC 7 with his 'PI Mommies'
Earlier today, CBS 5 broke the story that Norman Wielsch, the “high-profile commander for the Central Contra Costa Narcotics Enforcement Team,” was arrested today for “distributing for sales methamphetamine, marijuana and steroids.” Ok. Whatever. Yet another re-hash of the crooked narc cop selling dope on the side, big deal. Totes ironic. But then there was this gem…
Wielsch was arrested without incident along with 49-year-old Christopher Butler of Concord, Gregory said. Like Wielsch, Butler is also facing several felony counts related to the selling of methamphetamines, marijuana and steroids.
If that second name rings a bell to you, it should. Christopher Butler is the owner and lead investigator of Butler & Associates Private Investigations, a Concord based PI firm [As 2/15/11 their website has been taken down] that has received a lot of attention over the last year. Dubbed the 'Mommy PI Agency' by the media, Butler gained noteriety in local and national press for his 'Charlie's Angels' team of middle aged, soccer mom-looking decoys and PIs.
Over the last year the PR machine has been churning almost non-stop for Butler and his 'Angels'. From local TV appearances on ABC 7's View From the Bay, to national coverage on NBC's Today Show; three of the PIs even did a glamour spread in People Magazine in March, 2010. The attention seemed to work.
In approximently March of 2010, a TV production company began production on a reality series. Whether PI Moms of San Francisco (no really, that's the title) was greenlit for either a pilot or a full series order remains unclear, as the network has yet to begin their own PR cycle. That's usually a pretty bad sign for a show that was rumored to begin airing in March, 2011. Butler's own arrest probably isn't going to help much either…
Butler, an ex-cop himself, is spending the night in jail with Norman Wielsch. Ironically, Butler & Associates operates online under the URL Uncover-Truth.com. Now that the truth behind this media crazy ex-cop and local Private Eye is coming out, I don't find myself asking 'did he do it?'; I honestly don't give a shit. All I really want to know is if the 'Mommy PIs' were involved in any of the alleged drug dealings. CROOKED DRUG DEALING PI Moms of San Francisco, now that's a show I would watch…
UPDATE: The Chronicle just put two and two together and chimmed in. Butler and Wielsch had served as police officers in Antioch together. In addition to their alleged conspiracy to distribute, the Chronicle is reporting the following charges being levied:
The two men were booked on suspicion of conspiracy, embezzlement, burglary, and possession and transportation of controlled substances. Wielsch is being held in lieu of $660,000 bail. Butler's bail was set at $840,000.
Butler featured with his 'PI Moms' in People Magazine
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
As we've talked about in the past, Pop's Bar is straight-up the worst place to leave your bike due to their neighboring bike thief. Well, GoatLeg over at SF Fixed “riled up a fucking mob” and got his stolen parts back:
Hello, all. Tonight me front wheel was stolen while locked up outside of the Dovre club at 26th/Valencia. I was inside while some friends were outside smoking while some random local asked whose bike it was this guy stole the front wheel from. They knew it was my bike, and the local told them it was a latino guy in a red pickup truck with a black topper over the bed. Immediately we knew it was this guy Bobby who lives around the corner from Pop's. All my friends came in and told me what happened, I ran out with all my shit expecting to see him outside. Of course he wasn't there, so I ran back in, got all my homies together and riled up a fucking mob of folks 100% poised to get my wheel back. So, we all ran down to the corner of 24th/York, a few of them went in to Pop's to get some beer and not be directly involved in what was about to go down.
So from there, four or five of my friends surrounded Bobby's truck (the same red pickup with the black topper) while I ran up to the house we knew he lived at. I wasn't 100% sure which of the two doors was his, so I rang each bell. His neighbor opened here door almost immediately. I asked, “Does Bobby live here?” and she said “No” and poinetd to the other door on the left, at which point I looked back at my friends who were opening up the tailgate to Bobby's truck and grabbed my wheel out. I turned to his neighbor and said, “Cool, well your neighbor is a bike thief and we're just taking my wheel back”. As soon as I turned away I started off down the stairs and one of the neighbors yelled, “What the fuck are you doing to that truck??!” I took off running as fast as I possibly could, while my friend had my wheel in his had and everyone scattered.
Of course, stealing the wheel back isn't enough. GoatLeg is taken his photo (above) and is “going to make it known that this guy is a known bike thief, and that I know where he lives and that he needs to stop doing this shit, or he will pay. I fullheartedly think this a step in the right direction to get this shit stopped.” Going to poster the neighborhood? He'll pay? It looks like Bobby is at the end of his rope and people are done waiting to SFPD to do something.
I can't imagine this will end well.