Douchebaggery

What's up with all the Neo-Nazi horseshit in the Mission lately?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Between vandalizing murals and gay bars, it appears that there is a growing Mission skin-head movement.  This particular piece was spotted yesterday on South Van Ness outside of, wait for it, Love Painting Company.  I know irony is all the rage these days, but this is fucking retarded*.  I know you want to nuke the fags because nuking the world will prevent God from burning us all alive, but if you nuke the Castro, your fellow Nazi taggers won’t be able to sit next to their fixies drinking lattes and PBR in Dolores Park.

But seriously, how many of these little shitheads are running around the Mission?  Let’s just make it clear: if you see one of these people tagging swastikas around the Mission, just beat them into subconsciousness and teach them a valuable lesson.  That’s one assault no one will bother investigating.

* Sorry Sarah Palin, it’s just that I don’t respect you.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Food Network Launching Hipster "Cooking Channel," Missionites Panic

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

— courtesy of Satan

The New York Times is reporting that the Food Netowrk is creating a spinoff network JUST FOR HIPSTERS.  Look at that sandwich.  That ring of fire probably made it, like, 1000x better.

In another show, “Unique Eats,” taped earlier this month at Bark, a boutique hot-dog shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn, the cameras lavished attention on baked heirloom beans and franks topped with Columbia County sauerkraut.

Sounds super unique!  I’ve always wanted to know what would happen if Emeril would wear a tucker hat.  Anyways, some old hippies back where I grew up used to say this all the time, “The hippie movement never died, all that happened is the trend-followers left.”  What do we think?  Is this the beginning of the end?  Will the cool kids of Valencia - Potrero Ave. make a mass exodus to the Sunset and start wearing board shorts?

Also, I think this goes without saying but, you know, for the fuck of it: will there be vegan options?

Can Cool Kids Be Teabaggers?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

“Is that glitter on your beater, bro?”

“Is that glitter on your beater, bro?”

I’m kinda confused if this dude is a cool kid/hipster or just a geezer that beats his daughters.  On one hand, he is rocking a stylish cap, black pants and has a grunge-revival haircut.  On the other hand, he has the skin of a 90-year-old woman.  Wait, is this even a man?

Anyways, I cling to my gun too, but only when I’m at the shooting range in South San Francisco.  I know you think Che Newsom is going to take your gun, but the courts already smacked that down.  So, if you really think you have to cling to your gun, then I recommend that you smoke a little less of that Sith before you walk around the Tenderloin.

(photo by poe.)

We want Springsteen! We want shitty arena rock!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

via Headline Shirts.

via Headline Shirts.

Megmess went for a long, quality rant last night:

Ugh, I hate music hipsters. Is it really necessary to demand your iPod be plugged in at your local bar so everyone can hear Yeasayer? Guess what, buddy, Urban Outfitters has been all over this shit for months. When my drunk ass says to you, “I feel like I’m at work right now, this is awful.” and you scoff at me because I couldn’t POSSIBLY know who Yeasayer are since you think you’re “ahead of the curve” because you just got home from SXSW and your skinny jeans still smell like Austin, try not to act like a child. This song is annoying. Half of your iPod is annoying. We’re in a sports bar that on a Monday night is inhabited by drunk old men. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR HIPSTER JAMZ. We want Springsteen! We want shitty arena rock! Why do I keep having this conversation with you? If you weren’t my friend’s friend, I’d be relentless instead of fake apologetic. Go to the Mission if you’re going to be this kind of a snob. Yeasayer?! You make me laugh. Please stop acting like you’d also never be caught dead inside of an Urban Outfitters because after giving 4 years of my life to my favorite retail outlet, I know exactly where your shirt came from.

Read on…

Things We Don't Hate: Bro Cats

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Apparently the doucheoisie over at Hipster Puppies got a book deal.  Our newest hater/Uptown Almanazzi Zach smelled money and created BRO CATS.   We at Uptown Almanac are committed to landing BRO CATS on the New York Times Bestsellers list (and every Marina coffee table) before Hipster Puppies can sue our asses off.

“O hai bro, wanna go halfsies on a bag of cat-nip?” ~Bro Cat

1.) Bro Cat likes to tell all the girls that he surfs, but is really too scared to go in the water.

2.) Bro Cat got so wasted last night that he was coughing up hair balls all morning.

3.) Bro Cat gets hella pussies.

(link)

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