Douchebaggery

NIMBYs Butcher Mission Bike Festival

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The Mission Bicycle Festival, which goes down Sunday at noon on Lapidge at 18th and is full of fun shit like trackstand competitions, unicycle basketball and other circus-quality events, has fallen prey to the NIMBY neighbors that surround Dolores Park.  Originally, MBF was going to be an all day event with lots of live music, music bikes, a community picnic at Mission Pool, food and beer.  However, when Mission Bicycle originally proposed the event to the ISCOTT committee (the group that approves street closures for events), a police officer pulled event organizer Jefferson (himself a resident of Lapidge) into the hallway to tell him that there are neighbors known to oppose these events and it would “never happen” unless he personally reached out to the neighbors and worked with them to reshape the event.

Sure enough the officer was right: three neighbors, citing concerns of trash, urine, and noise bothering young children and a man “recovering from cancer,” submitted formal complaints to the committee and the harmless festival was denied.  The ISCOTT committee wouldn't tell Jefferson the names of who complained, so in order to actually move forward, he had to ask around and knock on doors.  Eventually he found the NIMBYS and they came to a compromise.

The community picnic at the pool was canceled.  The festival was forced to keep the event concentrated at the Women's Building to reduce traffic down Lapidge.  The event was reduced from all day to 4 hours.  Beer was removed from the event and amplified noise was reduced to a pathetic 15 minute window. At that point, the three neighbors actually wrote into the committee to withdraw their opposition while ten neighbors wrote into the board complaining about the event being curtailed.

The latter had no effect: apparently the negative neighbors who are down on bikes enjoy a veto power on community events in this town.  I guess this is the city's attitudes towards cyclists and block parties.  If some businesses want to shut down 18th street to roast a pig in the middle of the road, it's no worries if it rubs a few neighbors the wrong way, but bikers are left to beg for mercy.

SF Wants to Crackdown on Mobile Murals

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The SF Examiner is reporting that our beautiful, litter-less city is now going after our last remaining urban eyesore:

City officials want to issue “fix-it” tickets or warnings to drivers whose trucks are covered with graffiti to help abolish the urban eyesores.

…

“There’s no law right now that says you have to abate the graffiti,” said Public Works Director Mohammed Nuru, who sits on The City’s Graffiti Advisory Board and helped coordinate the program. “These trucks are ugly. They’re urban blight. They make neighborhoods look abandoned.”

The city wants to encourage truck owners to paint their vehicles that lovely military green that we see covering utility boxes all over the city, as they apparently are more difficult to vandalize, and issue citations to those who don't.  Naturally, the city failed to recognize that many of these trucks are covered in commissioned graffiti for the specific reason to fight against random tags (the Examiner piece even features a truck painted by Reyes to highlight the issue).  What will be allowed as 'legitimate' truck art and disallowed under the law?  Certainly the opinion of the director of Public Works is already biased against sanctioned mobile murals.  Can't wait to see how this one goes down…

(link)

"Remember who yo friends!"

— By Zach Perkins |

I may be an entitled self-righteous cracker, but I'd rather be that than this shit eating honky.

I had originally hoped for this to be a post of the “awww, see? the po-po ain't so bad!” variety. Sadly, that was not the result.

Just before going to bed I noticed the flash of red and blue lights from outside my window. In the center lane of Geary Blvd was an asian woman standing next to a dead VW Beetle. The lights were off, engine cut, hood popped, and a squad car was parked behind. As traffic diverted around; cued in by the flashing lights of not one but two SFPD patrol cars, the officers approached her with portable car battery jumper kit. I had my “awww” moment, and grabbed my phone to take a picture in case I later deemed the event 'bloggable'.

My positive feelings and good will toward the law enforcement officers of the world hit their peak as the car was resurrected and an ethnic officer explained to the woman that she needed to keep driving to make sure the battery recharged fully. She then put her hands together, made a bowing motion toward the police and said something with an accent that lead me to believe that english was not her first language. That's when all my sentimental feelings came to a screeching halt.

The only white officer, a short sleeved turd donning a shit-eating grin and the car jumper kit, said (very loudly) “WHO YO FRIENDS?” in the most offensive imitation of an asian accent I've ever heard.

“WHO YO FRIENDS? POLICE IS YO FRIENDS! REMEMBER WHO YO FRIENDS!”

I really, really wanted to feel good about the SFPD and cops in general, and for a split second I did. I guess that was naive of me.  Fuck you honky.

UPDATE: 5 minutes later the same two squad cars pulled over a vehicle in the exact same spot. I now recognize the hispanic officer as the same cop who acted as a plain clothes decoy on my block last week. He, along with about 8 motorcycle cop buddies, were running a scam in which he would walk directly into traffic at an intersection without a traffic light or stop sign (AT 8AM DURING THE MORNING COMMUTE YOU FUCKING FUCKS) so they could ticket anyone and everyone who didn't slam on their breaks and get rear ended the second he started jay walking.

Fuck the police and their ability to alienate everyday people and be complete dicks even when they're supposedly doing something positive.  They are equally responsible for the bullshit 'us v them' climate of opposition between cop and citizen. 

San Franciscans Really Step Up The Quality of Bitchy Notes

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I'm in love with everything about this obscenely bitchy note about a dog pooping on the sidewalk: the red text shadowing on the title, the yellow matting, the threat of legal recourse for continued pooping, the suggestion to give the dog away, and wrapped up with a friendly “Thx!”

I can only imagine the exciting horror it must be to have sex with this person.

Is Pop's Bar the Worst Place to Park Your Bike?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you read various Mission blogs or SF bike forums, you would have noticed that once a month some poor bastard gets their bike stolen or stripped outside of Pop's bar.  Well, it happened again last night.  What's going on here?

1160 York St.

That's right.  The dude that keeps stealing bikes (he even stole a bartender's dog and tried to sell it back to him) lives at 1160 York St. and no one (including SF's finest) will touch him.  You've been warned.

UPDATE: SFPD Now Doing Hourly Dirt Bike Patrols in Dolores Park, Leaving Two Officers Stationed Throughout the Day

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The scene from 2 weeks ago.

As you may remember, nearly two weeks ago we reported that SFPD was renewing their campaign against fun with dirt bike cops rolling through Dolores Park on a chill Friday afternoon.  Well, it turns out that two weeks ago was only the beginning and the cops are now taking more drastic measures.  Starting at lunch today, reader Paul S. noted “cops are riding dirt bikes through the park. I want a moped to ride through their living rooms.”  He followed up saying that the cops were riding through the park “at least once an hour” and “going from group-to-group to see what they were up to.”

“What was remarkable about it was that in was a mellow Wednesday afternoon.  No one was even drinking heavily. […] The cops were riding in groups of two, one group on each side of the park.  After they were done bothering everybody, two of the cops would ride off and the other two would go to the top of the hill at the pedestrian bridge and just sit there watching everyone.  An hour later, the other two cops would come back and they would sweep the park again.”

While we're not an activist organization, rumors have it that NIMBYs are using the recent stabbing to pressure the parks department and SFPD into cracking down on weed, beer and cigarettes.  So far, they seem to be winning.  So feel free to contract these individuals if you want to let them know you do not support SFPD disturbing the peace and a couple of geezers trying to push their agenda on tens of thousands on San Franciscans:

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Bear Fight

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It's as douchey and disgusting as it looks.  And yes, it's daytime.

Admittedly, I've lost touch with New England culture over the past 3 years.  In general, I don't mind.  Bikes are more fun than public transportation.  Jorts are better than khakis.  Dolores Park beats Boston Common any day.  But whenever I get introduced to one of the latest Massachusetts memes, I'm always game to experiment.

Well, my buddy Jeff spent the summer out of the Mission and in the northeast working as a rafting guide.  Apparently, all the kids are getting into bear fights: an Irish Carbomb immediately followed by a Jagerbomb.  In spite of Jager's ironic comeback tour, this one made me a tad skeptical.  But after a hour and a half of what could be described as some of the most world-class peer pressuring I've ever witnessed, it was decided that a round would be ordered.  Much like a real bear fight, everyone not involved fled. The result?

Tiny Dick Syndrome, A Growing Issue

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

One of my favorite recent episodes of South Park when they attempt to redefine the word “fag” as “an extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders.”  Perhaps it's a favorite because I had the particular misfortune of living near a Harley shop in Boston and tools would drive by my house all hours of the day.  Thankfully, this particular brand of douche had been a relative anomaly up until this summer.  For some reason, this gang of former high school losers has been obnoxiously parading around the Mission with increasing frequency.  Worst of all, their gang surrounds around the use of scooters with some of the worst emissions imaginable.  Anyways, fuck scooters.  Next time I have the urge to piss in public, you know where it's going.

(photo and title by @JeffreyDKoff)

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