Douchebaggery

Osama Bin Laden's Floating Metal Coffin To Take Center Stage At San Francisco Fleet Week This Weekend

USS Carl Vinson prepares to go under the Golden Gate Bridge in 1995 (source: USN)

If yesterday's chorus of frightened neighborhood pets hadn't already clued you in, Fleet Week is here. This year's events are a bigger deal than usual for two very significant reasons. 1.) 2011 is the 100th Anniversary of Naval Aviation.  And 2.) The repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell.  Welcome to San Francisco, sailors.

Tomorrow's primetime events kick off with the 'Parade of Ships', which has the Navy puffing out their chests a hell of a lot more than last year.  Instead of just a couple of lame cruisers, propped up by some Coast Guard and Canadian Navy ships; this years line up features not one, but two aircraft carriers*. Leading the pack is the USS Carl Vinson, aka: the final resting place of Osama Bin Laden. Coincidentally, the Carl Vinson is the only ship not open for public tours. I smell conspiracy.
 
If high priced war machines aren't your thing, Sunday at Pier 39 will feature a few less militant attractions, including a performance from northern California band Mustache Harbor, which from the video featured on their website, is as ridiculous as it sounds. 
 
So to all my Mission-cool-kid-Fleet-week-haters, smell the jet fuel and embrace it. This is the one time of the year that we can sport our aviators, blast Kenny Loggins and hang out in the Marina with more than just our tired sense of 'irony' to back us up. 
 
 
 
*= Yes, I know that the USS Bonhomme Richard is technically an 'amphibious assualt vessel' and not a full aircraft carrier. Shut up nerd. 

Foodies: Mission Gang Violence is "Fun"

Mission Local, fresh off their much-tweeted about cupcakes and gang violence map, has published a detailed story about the recent gang murders and their effect on foodie culture and restaurant staffers:

Less than a week after three fatal shootings occurred in a section of the Mission that has become one of the hottest restaurant districts in San Francisco, the sidewalks are full of eager patrons. Diners know about the shootings.

It’s kind of scary, but kind of fun,” says Dana Humphrey, 28, as she sat eating at Graçias Madre, a vegan restaurant where the tacos aren’t cheap. Her friend Alexis Papeshi, 28, who lives in the Marina, agrees. “It has some cachet,” she says. ’Oh we are in the Mission, we are so cool.’”

[…]

I’m not scared, I still feel safe,” says Manny Torres Gimenez, the owner and chef at Mr. Pollo, a small Peruvian restaurant that has acquired a cult following among foodies who come from all over the city for its tasting menu. “I’ve been walking the same streets every night for three years by myself and I’ve never seen anything happen.”

That said, he adds that the edginess of the neighborhood is attractive to many customers. “That is part of the experience, to be in that crazy dangerous neighborhood.”

Read on.

WARNING: Axe-Scented Bar Crawl to Invade "Favorite" Mission Bars Saturday

Local residents fear impending Bud and Amstel Light shortage will last weeks.

If there was ever a weekend to explicit avoid the Mission, this is it.  CrawlSF, the organization behind the UCSB alumni-packed Chestnut Street, Union Street, and Polk Street Pub Crawls, is bringing their clown car of dickbaggery to the Mission this Saturday afternoon.  For the fantastically cheap price of $8 (or $20 if you want a commemorative t-shirt), you can gain access to such trendy spots as Blondie's, Skylark, Double Dutch, Elbo Room, Pork Store, and Delirium.

What's the worst is they seem to expect over a thousand people to turn out.  And while I understand that a thousand-plus hair gel-encrusted Dane Cook look-alikes soaking the Mission in a miserable game of hipster grab ass on a Saturday is nothing new, they've historically waited until sundown to summon their Uber Cab to whisk them to Valencia Street, when local residents' bodies are sufficiently pumped full of whiskey and marijuana.

This is an unprecedented assault on the shaky Marina/Mission truce, in which Marina residents don't flock to the Mission until we depleted our weekend drug allowance and Mission residents don't flock to the Marina ever.

And just look at the poster:

Ignoring the fact that the Marina's brightest marketing minds haven't yet mastered MS Paint, it appears they are encouraging crawl-goers to wear lensless frames. NEWSFLASH BROS! Dressing up like 21st century Kris Kross (via LMFAO) is not representative of Mission culture. Now get the fuck off my lawn.

(Thanks Andrew!)

Hey 7X7 SHUT THE FUCK UP pt. 2

Reader Adam sent us his thoughts about the latest issue of 7x7 Magazine:

you read this article?  the whole thing warrants derision, but read these two paragraphs in particular:

I hadn’t considered the synergy between SF’s two biggest cultural pillars until recently. It took dining at Bar Tartine with a friend who wishes to go unnamed—a tech venture capitalist invested in some of the city’s top restaurants. That night, when I started talking in wonderment about the surge of restaurant openings in SF, recession be damned, he politely suggested I get my head out of my dinner. “What boils my blood,” he said, between bites of duck leg cabbage roll stuffed with liver, house-made sauerkraut, and dried cherries, “is that people in the artist community have never understood the connection between capital and the arts. And they take it massively for granted.”

Gesticulating with a curried, pickled carrot, he broke it down historically. “Look at the rise of Florence. During the Renaissance, you had the combination of wealthy patrons and artists. The wealthy patrons allowed the artists to take risks that they’d never have been able to take if they weren’t provided for.” While sommelier Alex Fox poured us some Von Buhl Riesling, he continued, “And it’s no different today in San Francisco, where food has crossed over into an artistic experience. Chefs and bartenders here consider themselves artists.” I had a disconcerting flash of Bar Agricole’s acclaimed bartender Thad Vogler posing naked like Michelangelo’s David, shaker instead of stone in hand. “Even farmers have artistic status here,” my friend astutely observed. “Today in San Francisco, the wealth gets poured back into our modern-day values: the church of food.”

What pretentious cock suckers, not that there's anything wrong with that. Cock sucking I mean. But com'on. For fuck sake, their sense of self importance is so utterly baseless, it's astounding. Florence during the Renaissance? Really? They're talking pop-up restaurants and food trucks and they're comparing it to Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the Renaissance. Wow. That makes this little venture capitalist parasite what, one of the Medicis? OK, right, that make sense. Good thing he broke it down “historically” for the dumb fuck author. Except he neglected to mentioned one major difference, the Medici's descendants probably still run most of Italy and large parts of the world while this guy's descendants are most likely going to be working at McDonalds when all his lottery money runs out.

I feel better now. Tx.

No, thank you.

[Sightglass Coffeee photo by Niall Kennedy]

Ed Lee Begins Campaigning in the Mission

My favorite bit from Ed Lee's mayoral campaign announcement was this little bit of hubris:

Some Lee backers had suggested the once-reluctant politician wouldn't need to campaign, only put his name on the ballot and then continue doing the city's business.

So much for that.

Hordes of (Paid) Ed Lee Supporters Invade Mission Street

For all of the Mayor's coyishness about running for a full term, he sure does look like he's running a campaign.  Just yesterday, multiple squads of “supporters” traversed Mission Street collecting signatures to (presumably) get Ed's name on the ballot.  While this group was generally more interested in gawking at lucador masks than collecting sigs, another at the 16th BART station were much more aggressive, literally following people asking them for support.

I tried to figure out what was the hell was going on, but they didn't seem to keen on talking to me, probably because I had alcohol on my breath and generally look like a crazy person.  I'm sure asking “Who pays you?” and “Do you even live in San Francisco?” didn't help.  Regardless, more sketchy electioneering from our astroturfing mayor.

March Against "Killer Cops" Scheduled For Tonight, Official Twitter Hashtags Proposed

I'm always down for a good protest, but claiming that Saturday's shooting victim Kenneth Harding was 'murdered' for “not paying his MUNI fare” is a bit of a stretch.  If you've been reading Tumblr recently, you might have missed this:

According to the Chronicle this morning, SFPD identified the victim as 19-year-old Kenneth Harding a parolee from Washington State who was also wanted by Seattle police as a suspect in a shooting that left one 19-year-old pregnant woman dead and three others injured last week.

And this:

Police say the victim fired at them during the chase, prompting the officers to fire back several shots. The man was taken to San Francisco General Hospital where he later died.

Now, I've been alive long enough to not trust the police when they claim a victim fired the first shot (remember Mehserle claiming he thought Oscar Grant was reaching for a gun?), and I do believe everyone deserves their constitutionally-guaranteed fair trial.  It also seems excessively inhumane for the police to just let the guy bleed out on the sidewalk with their guns drawn and refuse him any medical assistance.  But this man doesn't strike me as a character to prop up as a civil rights victim.

Anyways, I'm sure this will make for some good theater and protest tourism, so perhaps I'll take a break from my busy boozing schedule gawk at the absurdity.  And if you need to tweet about it, the organizers have suggested these clever hashtags for your “digital rocks through the windows of government”:

Local Cyclist Thwarts Meth Head's Attempt to Steal Bike Parts

We all know that photographing bike thieves is nothing new.  The Mission has unmasked Bobby the Bike Thief (who's rumored to have moved to the hilltop oasis of Bernal Heights), mid-Market has its share of crack fiend and pony-tailed thieves, and this stunning beauty was recently exposed by local photographer Adumb Egan.  While SFPD might never make bike thieft a priority, it's always rad to hear about people watching out for these guys and getting people their stolen property back, as Austin Kamps was recently able to do:

Ran into this guy today. I watched him creep around Montgomery street for a while from a distance, until he found “his” bike.

He finds a bike and then pretends to talk on the phone for a few minutes, then takes his tool out and hides it behind his phone while he unscrews and yanks the seat/post. This happened about a block away. After he did that, I followed him a bit and snuck up to him/scared the shit out of him and ripped it from his hands as he was trying to put it in his bag, then i gave him a “nudge” into the street with my foot. We went back and forth for a bit then he ran off. I ended up getting it back to the owner when he came out a few minutes later.  Saddest part was that there were 4 people around him watching him do it, they knew what was happening, they did nothing. If you see something bad happening do something, put your life on hold for a second and help out if you’re able. Don’t let creeps like this ruin someones day.

Word.

[Skinny Fists | photo by Adumb Egan]

Broke-Ass Baby Carriage

Do you have a child who is capable of standing but hates walking? Why not push him around San Francisco with the same contraption used to haul giant sacks of rice?

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