Renting an Apartment in the Mission Now Means Bidding on the Place and Offering the Landlord a "Signing Bonus"

This dream could be yours for $3,000 OBO!

Rental prices are going up.  Way up.  And with historically low vacancy rates and new millionaires moving into town, it's a landlord's market.  Take this new development in the world of renting apartments: having to bid upwards of $3k/month for an apartment on Valencia and Duboce.  Check it:

$3000/mo. 1 bd in Mission — ridiculous? Yes. Make offer, let's talk.

Ridiculous rent for a 600 sq ft one bedroom apartment in the Mission?

Even if you can have your pet?
Even if it has lots of natural light, a small working fireplace, claw foot tub, somewhat upgraded eat-in kitchen, including new fridge?


Sounds like a good deal!  What do I need to do to get such a posh pad?


(Your bid will of course be subject to your seeing the apartment).

Your bid should include the following (required):
-monthly rent you are willing to pay (water & garbage paid by owners),
-plus agreement to lease for minimum one year,
-plus your employer name with phone number to verify, and
-last 2 landlords with phone numbers, &
-how many people and pets will reside in the apt, &
-your phone number (we will only respond by phone, not email).
Not required but appropriate:
-info about your pet(s),
-plus info about you — your elevator pitch resume —
-and, if you wish,
—————offer of a signing bonus.
We will see who responds, evaluate the offers, then set up opportunity for top bidders to view the apartment some time between bid close and following week.

Alright, well for that kind of money and effort, what kind of palace are we looking at?

Looks great!  Where do I sign?

Oh, and one more thing:

Thanks for your interest in living in San Francisco's most awesome neighborhood.

What Does the Valencia St. Fire Have to do with Trash Pick-up and Politics?

It's been only a few weeks since a massive fire tore through a Valencia Street building, displacing dozens of residents, and the disaster is already being perverted for political purposes.  How?  By a disinformation campaign by the SF Firefighters and Recology (the city's trash-collection provider) to protect the company's 70-year-old government-granted monopoly status by painting the ballot measure as an assault on our recycling and composting laws.  How darling.

(Oh, and if you are actually interested in reading up on this, the SFBG has a shockingly reasonable analysis of the ballot measure.  You can also read the initiative itself, as well as the Chronicle's dueling opinions for the measure and against it.)

[via Generic]

10 Limericks About San Franciscans I'm Totally Over

Have you seen this guy Chicken John about?
Like who is he, and what is he on about?
Guess I could read his book
but I think that it looks
like just one more thing for me to yawn about

Though I hear, now that he’s a nice manderslice
to my liking, his jamz cease to panderslice
sure, he may be chill
but not fitting my bill
for I’ve had quite enough of John Vanderslice

Though I’d never call this girl a wus
she sure isn’t the brightest of us
but despite my roll-eyeing
there’s just no denying
Kelly Kate sure did pee *on that bus
*out the window of
*is this how one uses asterisks?

Michael Krasny hosts this talk show Forum
but I’d much rather have him for Purim
he is worldly and wise
I just simply despise he’s
yet to return my fan mail for ‘im

Julie Schuchard of Trike Records fame
kicked me out of a bar, that was lame
well I may have been twenty
and drinking a plenty
but I think she’s the worst all the same

One time she did something retarded
my enjoyment of that was wholehearted
she peed out the bus window
nothing rhymes with window
this limerick is also about Kelly Kate and it ends with the word farted

Dude, have you guys ever been to Blow Up?
No, I’m good off seeing ‘burbs kids throw up
Jeffrey Paradise, dear
I think it’s pretty clear
that the end of your limerick is grow up

Though his father is Phil of Philz Coffee-a
Jacob looks like a dude in the mafia
he’s the dudeliest guy
but we all wonder why
he allows employees to blast Ska-fia

Save KUSF is unhealthy
why fundraise? Your school is so wealthy!
Just buy a new station
and stop this complai’tion
we’re starting to think you guys smell-thy

Why did all the Kennedys die?
Just ask Jello, I’m sure he knows why
but this guy shows up
at events and I have to
listen to him rant on about how he hates Gavin Newsom and shit seriously shut up Jello Biafra

Disclaimer: none of  these people are actually that bad, except for all the aforementioned people whose names begin with J who aren’t John Vanderslice.  Just to clarify, shut up Jello Biafra. 

When I Live in the Mission and I'm Like ...

When I forget to call ahead to Rhea's and there's a 25 minute wait …

Walking into work on Thursday morning after Whiskey Wednesday at Benders …

When my crush checks in on Foursquare at the same bar I'm at …

When I'm at Dolores and the weed truffle guy is out of cinnamon truffles … 

When I'm getting coffee at Four Barrel and they tell me they don't “do” skim milk …

When I walk by a bunch of Capp st hookers …

When my mom calls me after hearing about another shooting on my corner …

When my friend tells me she met her new boyfriend on Instagram …

The City of San Francisco Piles Onto Weston Wear's Woes

Weston Wear isn't just going to be closed down for a week following the May Day Riots.  No, The City felt it necessary to deliver one last “fuck you” to a business ransacked by savages by citing them for graffiti on their boarded up windows:

Way to support local business, dude.

UPDATE: CIty Hall gained a conscious and backed down.

[Twitter | Thanks to everyone who sent this in!]

Uber to Dispatch Squad of Mexicans to Your Start-Up in Borderline Vulgar Cinco de Mayo Stunt

Remember Uber? That awful Town Car cab 'start-up' that charges you $50 so you can pretend to be Larry Ellison on the way to brunch? The ones that did the stomach-churning “Hipster Thursday!” promotion?  Well shit just got real:


Sorry, give me a moment to calm down.


So, Uber's team of marketing eyerolls dreamed up the brilliant idea of shuttling around an “instant fiesta” in “three SUVs” (why not Ford Fiestas?) on May 4th for the low-low price of $100.  Oh yes.  For the cost of two ostentatious joyrides, Uber will delight crowds of dreamy Zynga employees with one mariachi song…whicchh strikes me as just a tad tasteless.  There's a line Mission 'transplants' dare not cross, and they're crossing it.  Sure, it's one thing to evict the Latino community and take their homes, but overtly exploiting them for a marketing lulz?  That's just poor form.

Anyway, have you guys seen my post about Edward Burritohands?

(But seriously, am I justified feeling sick about this, or am I just suffering from a nasty bout of San Franciscan white dumbie political correctness?  I mean, they're getting paid, right?)

[via SFist]

Harmless Occupy Rally Devolves Into Valencia Street Riot

As I'm sure you've already heard (if you haven't, Mission Local has some solid reporting on it, as does Mission Mission), the Mission District unfortunately had its Foot Locker Moment last night as an innocent Occupy May Day rally in Dolores Park devolved into a riot along Valencia Street.  But as Scott Rossi (who seems to have been one of the few sane people in the mob) reports, the riot was not Occupy-related, but a “hijacking” done by mysterious clean-cut kids: 

I believe we [the Occupy protests] were hijacked and it was an utter clusterfuck. It started out as sort of a “pep rally” type thing at Dolores Park, but maybe 20 minutes after we got there, it turned into a march. I tweeted “LOL looks it turned into a surprise anticapitalist march. #osf #oo #ows #dolorespark”. although i frown on the tactic of spraypainting and paintbombing, it was a bit funny to see the normally sneering people outside some of the boojie restaurants in 18th street get a little taste of their own class warfare. that said, what happened once the march reached Valencia was a) the fastest i’ve ever seen a march fall apart in my life and b) the largest concentration of simultaneous D: faces i have ever seen in my life. This is where I disengaged from the march, advised people I was pulling out and they were on their own, and told some people who were distracted or otherwise slow on the uptake that the march was entering ‘smashy smashy land.”

So, rather than describe what happened (since 340958345 other blogs and news agencies will do just that), I think it is more important to point out who did this. But as I’m about to explain to you, I don’t know that I can do that. You see, I don’t know who, the people I’ll dub as the ‘ringleaders’ of the march were exactly. Nobody did. Yeah some of the aggro people we always have to deal with were there, but these guys weren’t it. You remember those asshole jock bullies in high school? Well that was who was leading the march tonight. Clean cut, athletic, commanding, gravitas not borne of charisma but of testosterone and intimidation. They were decked out in outfits typically attributed to those in the ‘black bloc’ spectrum of tactics, yet their clothes were too new, and something was just off about them. They were very combative and nearly physically violent with the livestreamers on site, and got ignorant with me, a medic, when I intervened and reminded them that I was there to fix them from police violence, not protester on protester violence. […]

The other thing that bothered me is the level of destruction and the targets. This was all Bay of Rage Indybay organized, from what I gather, but it was all wrong. Black Bloc goes after state or corporate property not that of the working class and poor. I disapprove of that behavior, as it is not something I would personally engage in, however, this was off. This wasn’t directed against corporations or big banks, with the exception of one single ATM I saw smashed. This was specifically directed against mom and pop shops, local boutiques and businesses, and cars. Lots and lots of cars. I won’t weep for the hipster dives or the WASP nests for nouveau riche white trash, but the working class, poor and immigrant owned places I will. At first it was a few luxury cars, but as I followed the march down Valencia from a distance, it was all types of cars. There was a little girl crying and her mom was holding her and telling some onlookers that people smashed their car windows right in front of them as they were walking to it. She’s always going to remember the ‘mean people’ smashing. Everyone everywhere was really upset and blaming Occupy.

We’ve spent months radicalizing and empowering the Mission, working with and learning from groups who have already been here for decades, trying to use our momentum, enthusiasm and appeal to energize moribound organizations and skittish and apathetic people. We’ve been encouraging people to feel empowered to organize themselves, to get unions for day laborers, to march for and bring attention to our terrible immigration practices, hell the list goes on and on. It’s just convenient that these so called ‘protesters’ acted in such a way to undermine and burn all those bridges we’ve been so carefully building. The destruction was too calculated and precise in it’s seeming randomness to be Black Bloc or even those fucking suburban scumbags who get an anarchist patch at Hot Topic and think that gives them license to come to Oakland or SF and burn shit down. [Read On]

Scott has some theories on who might have been behind this (potentially classified as “crazy conspiracy theories,” but you never know in this crazy world).  But no matter who was responsible (and I'm going to be horribly articulate here), this just plain sucks.

Now, the clean-up begins:

[Photos by Justin Beck and Ert O'hara (who also noted her apartment was smashed to hell despite screaming at the mob to stop)]

POP ETC and the Death of Rock and Roll

In 2006, I watched a charming, somewhat 50’s-inspired young indie band play at what was then the Balazo Gallery on Mission. I bought an EP of theirs called Loose Change. The EP featured six short and sweet, excellently crafted pop songs and I came to love it for its simple elegance and likability. There was no “getting it” involved in the appreciation of these songs, they were just good.

That band was called The Morning Benders. Over the years, I enjoyed reading pieces about them every now and again and took pleasure in knowing that they were doing okay for themselves out in the world. In 2010 they released a much huger sounding and very produced record called Big Echo, which was also good and, despite the sonic maturing, it still had the same simple “songy” charm I enjoyed with their first EP.

Whatever, they were a band, I thought they were good. Cool? This is what they sounded like.

OK. Some of you may remember that at the end of March, The Morning Benders released a statement that they were changing their name because “Bender” means “GAY PERSON” in Europe and so they simply had to change their name to POP ETC (which they did) to protect gay people in Europe from being called gay. Or something. Really high-minded and forward thinking, The Morning Benders. Thanks for saving gay people!

So anyway, these kids changed a whole lot more than their band name. Rather than explain, I’ll just let you guys go ahead and take a gander at the video they just released:

Uh…. Cool, guys. Really cool.

So just off the bat, here are my thoughts.

1. This band totally made a big stink about “we’re changing our name out of respect for the gay community” when it was obviously just to promote their new, completely unrelated white (sorry, asian?) kid smooth RnB jam project.

2. Nice tank top.

3.  It’s hard for me not to feel like this dude didn’t just start making electronic music because it’s super “in”. This could just be because I really like guitars and stuff, but I feel like this music sounds really phony, joyless, uninspired, not super well-constructed, and contrived.

I’m not saying artists shouldn’t branch out and try new things, but putting out boring smooth jamz about “living it up” seems to me like a cop-out. Also, rock n roll is an important American art form that I don’t want to see die in favor of writhing pretty-boys in tank tops. Like, dude are you wearing lipgloss?

Here’s your moment of zen.