Mission District

Person Beat, Robbed on Thursday at 2:30pm Near Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This account of being attacked was passed onto the Mission Dolores Safe Clean Green email list (the author was not attributed).  While the person's advice is 'fucking lame', it's still pretty alarming that people are being beat unconscious that close to Valencia.  Stay safe, everyone:

I was attacked yesterday while walking home on 19th street between Valencia and Guerrero around 2:30 pm, about half a block from my home. I was apparently followed, snuck up on from behind and beaten in the side of the head, then dragged down the sidewalk by my legs. I have a concussion and some bruises and scrapes, but no permanent damage (of the physical kind, at least). The attacker then went through my pockets and took my iphone before running away. It was broad daylight and there were people everywhere. I had not taken any alleys or side streets on my way home from the 16th street BART station. The suspect was apprehended (rare for this kind of crime) but I can't really discuss too many other details because the case is evolving.
I just wanted to pass on some information that the detective shared with me about street crime in the Mission as of late:

There has been a rash of street robberies in the past month or so, usually involving one or two men, some with handguns. They usually target people walking alone and rob them of their smart phones and wallets. Usually they strike late at night to early in the morning, especially on weekends when people often walk home inebriated and thus easier prey. Women walking alone are particularly vulnerable.

My case was unusual in that it happened in the middle of a workday with people around, but the police told me the criminals are getting more brazen.

Please, be mindful of your surroundings, even if you live in the “safest” part of the Mission, even during the day. Don't walk with your smartphone in your hand. Have your bags around your body. Don't walk home alone from the bars. If someone accosts you, scream like hell, but don't fight them- give them what they want and call the police. If you witness something happening to someone else, make yourself available to the police as a witness.

Protect Your Ashtray Full of Change

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Well, this is a clever way to protect your rape van from petty crime: cover your smashed out window with a bed sheet claiming you have a guard dog lurking in your van.  Our investigation of the vehicle revealed that there was, in fact, no dog present, $1.73 in change in the ashtray and a really nice iPod charger.

Reader Review: B3

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

B3 on Valencia and 22nd is set to open next Wednesday.  Lucky for us, reader Lola, who I presume was drunk off pinot noir when she wrote this, send us this early review:

Tonight I happened upon B3, the newest, awesomest space on all of Valenica. These guys not only wooed me in with promises of wine and friendship, but they explained the secret to their future success: AWESOME ONION RINGS. Yes, we all know there is an absolute dearth of decent fried goods in this city of bloated food egos, so I'm beyond stoked for some good old fashioned perfectly battered fried onions. Also you can tell from this picture that these guys are serious about drinking wine and not just talking about it, so I for one am ready to share in the joy when they open.

The review also included a disparaging comment about Heart, situated right down the street.  What do you guys think?  Does Heart 'fucking suck' because of, as Lola put it, “their lame wine in lame mason jars” and “pretentious art”?  Are the Ben Davis-wearing burger geeks going to run them out of town?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Grub Finally Ditches the Brown Paper Windows

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After 3 years, we can finally see inside this place.  Normally this would be a “who gives a fuck?,” but they actually put some thought into their tables and they look pretty rad.  Grub has basically positioned itself as the Bender's of fine dining (okay, that's a stretch).  Therefore, I am taking back my claim that I'll “probably never eat there” because I'm pumped to spill some wine on someone's creativity.

(Thanks Natalie!)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

How Long Does It Take You to Pee On a Mission Sidewalk?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you answered 52 seconds, you're just a hair faster than this industry dirtbag:

This amazing, 720p spectacle is brought to us by Blowing It In San Francisco, which after a mere 2 posts has established itself as a fine San Francisco blog.  I mean, this is one epic find: it's some dude pissing outside of BENDER'S BAR AND GRILL while cars wiz past and pedestrians stroll by seemingly unaware.  During the motherfucking day.

Who said the Mission can't keep it classy?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Ken Ken Can't Can't

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I was walking by 22nd and Capp around 6 o'clock and noticed that there was a pop-up ramen restaurant in the normally abandoned Panchitas #3.  By 6:30, there was a line out the door for Ken Ken Ramen's $11 bowl of soup.  Seeing the line, I was totally pumped to check out what all these fools were standing in line for.  At 7:15, I jumped in line with my roommates to get a taste of ramen that costs 44 times the price of Top Ramen.  After 45 minutes of waiting patiently, tragedy struck: the WASPy individual who was set to serve me authy Japanese food walked out into the line to inform us that they were “out of food.”

Preteen girls who run lemonade stands are more apt to run a business than this dude.  This individual, who I will not call a Rice Queen, was literally so clueless about how to run a business, he didn't have a waitlist for seating, he had no idea about how many people he could serve and he was under the delusion that “this is our first time” (the opened last Monday).  Customers who waited 45 minutes in line were turned away with nary a condolence.  To piss in our freshly opened wounds, they tweeted 45 minutes later to boast about their last two bowls served.

Cold, hungry, empty handed and miffed, we rolled to Cha-Ya, a restaurant that actually can serve people soup, for a delicious bowl of Udon:

Note: not Ken Ken.

Long story short, just ignore Ken Ken Ramen, just like they ignore their customers.

What's Punk?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

In case you haven't noticed yet, the other night, someone dumped a bucket of chalk on Valencia St. so drunks could decorate the sidewalk with wonderful drawings of talking sandwiches, penises, and statements such as “HIPSTERS MUST BE DESTROYED.”  The real highlight of the temporary mayhem was this list of punk stuff, including wonderful un-punk things like Hot Pockets, Pop Tarts and fartz. 

The Mission Community Market is Awesome!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Based on earlier trials of the Mission Community Market, I was worried that it was going to be more of a neighborhood freakshow than a farmer's market.  Well, guess what people? It's an excellent balance of both! Lots of veggies, fruits (get the 2 for $6 organic strawberries!), papusas and trannies dancing to horn instruments.  Unfortunately, the exorbitant prices at the MCM will never make this market a reasonable substitute for the Civic Center farmer's market, but at least I can roll out of bed at 4pm on a Thursday afternoon and drag my ass over to 22nd and Barlett and get veggies.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Pages