Politics

Ninja Turtles Set to do Battle With Their Fiercest Opponent Yet: Danny Developer

Cowabunga, dudes! Clarion Alley is the stage for the Ninja Turtles' most wicked showdown yet! Now that Raphael and the boys are done battling the likes of Shredder, and Krang, the Heroes in a Half Shell have their sights set of their gnarliest, fiercest, most well-funded opponent yet: Danny Developer and his spooky tongue of gentrification! Hellacious!

Raphael sure does have his work cut out for him.  Danny Developer has already been hard at work, spawning a network of condos, ice cream, and “another botique” that Raphael will slowly have to chip away at with his twin sai.  And you know how much the Turtles hate ice cream…

Turtle power!

[Mural Photo by MrEricSir | DP Ice Cream by Playin Jayne]

Mayor Ed Lee to Get Tough on Dolores Park Hooligans

Our democratically-appointed executive mustache has had enough of the vandalism of late in Dolores Park's new playground, and he's not taking it anymore.  According to Mission Local, Mayor Lee outlined plan to combat vandalism in Dolores Park at yesterday's Board of Supervisors meeting:

  • The Parks and Recreation Department is working with food vendors and bicycle rental companies to offer “happy park uses.”
  • The San Francisco Police Department will hire nine park patrol officers (citywide.)
  • The police chief will tell his officers to enforce property crimes.
  • Once arrested, [the DA] will work to prosecute these criminals to the full extent of the law,” Lee said.
  • Work with judges who dismiss vandalism cases and educate them on the importance of prosecution. “I see far too many [cases] dismissed,” he said.
  • A graffiti specialist is currently developing leads to apprehend the vandals.

This sounds very similar to SFPD's plan to curb the so-called “out of control” behavior in Dolores, so draw whatever conclusions you will about this new anti-vandalism drumbeat.

[Photo by Mysteriosio]

Why We Have $15 Burgers: The Mission's Liquor License Ban

Supervisor David Campos addressing a room full of fellow stuck-in-the-muds (Photo/Mission Local)

Why is it important to have more alcohol?” asked a man who brought his young daughter to the meeting. “Why not have healthier foods?”

We’re being flooded with alcohol. How will this change improve public health?”

“With all the gentrification, we’re just opening the door to more boutique, high-end places. My Brownies don’t go to Bi-Rite.

I don’t feel like I’m at a point where I can make changes to the legislation,” [Supervisor David Campos] said. “There remains the question, should anything change?”

These were the concerns brought up at a recent community meeting regarding calls to lift some of the confines in the Mission's and La Lengua's ban on new liquor licenses (as known as the “Mission Alcohol Special Use District”). Sounds bad, right? Lifting restrictios means more gentrification. Less room for healthier foods. Increasing damage to our public health. Why would we ever consider loosening up restrictions on bringing liquor licenses into the Mission?

And people in favor of keeping our strict moratorium in place have a point.  After all, a funny thing has happened since the 1996 ban went into effect: 200 new businesses have been permitted to sell liquor in the neighborhood.  That shouldn't be surprising to anyone—in the past couple of years alone, Pica Pica, Mission Cheese, Grub, Mosto, Tacolicious, West of Pecos, and Wo Hing General Store have opened with booze to sell in locations on Valencia previously not permitted to do so.

But therein lies the problem. In the 18 years the ban has been in place, 195 restaurants have received licenses (39 of which have full liquor licenses), but only two bars and three grocery stores have.  In other words, 97.5% of new liquor licenses in the Mission are being gobbled up by predominately fancy, high-end restaurants catering to people from outside the neighborhood who can afford a premium for dinner.

If we really care about “gentrification” and “healthier foods” and The Public Good, shouldn't we be making it easier, not harder, for new, innovative, cheap, diverse establishments to open?

The reason you mostly see high-end restaurants opening is a due to a tangled web of bureaucracy, inflated costs, and bad public policy.

When the ban went into effect, restaurants were not deemed to be the problem—corner stores and seedy bars were.  Back then, the Mission was 'overrun' with violent drunks and vagabonds who subsisted on a diet of corner store malt liquor and cheap vodka.  The thinking was that with a ban on new liquor licenses and license transfers in place, corner stores and bars would go away as their owners moved on and the Mission, in effect, would become less “saturated” by liquor.  Since full-service restaurants (defined as restaurants that see more than 50% of their income come from food sales) and commercial grocery stores (think Safeway and Whole Foods) were not the problem, they were exempt from the ban.

Of course, this has had the unintended effect of accelerating the influx of high-end businesses with “concepts” and “trained mixologists” and increasing the homogeneity of our nightlife.

Because of the excessively limited scope of what types of businesses are allowed in the neighborhood, existing and aspiring business owners alike are burdened with getting the law changed. First in 2000, when the Brava Theater wanted to serve beer and wine, an amendment was made to exempt non-profit theaters from the ban. More recently, the Roxie Theatre successfully lobbied to get non-profit single-screen cinemas exempt (even after getting the legislation passed, they've still been forced to wait over a year to get their license approved). Then Mission Bowling Club lobbied to have bowling alleys exempt. Now Supervsior Campos is working with Alamo Drafthouse and Local Mission Market to have commercial multiplex movie theaters and small, organic grocery stores allowed in the neighborhood.

This is a downright insane way to tackle local policy. Instead of freeing our creative minds to open up new businesses such as breweries, bowling alleys, and concert venues, we've limited our pool of potential new business owners to those deep-pocketed entrepreneurs that can afford to navigate our city's turbulent political process.

What's worse is the effect this nonsense is having on the existing businesses. Valencia Whole Foods has been fighting for a license for the last ten years, to little avail. If the small grocery was allowed to sell liquor, they could be able to afford to stay open later. However, has chosen to prevent this on the grounds that Valencia Whole Foods isn't a full-sized grocery. The owners of Shotwell's would certainly love to serve gin and tonics (and we're certain their customers would love that too), but they are forbidden to upgrade to a full bar because they don't sell food. And the very inner-Mission corner stores that the ban was designed to make go away? Because the ban forbids the sale and transfer of licenses within the Mission, owners of corners stores remain open because there is no way for them to “cash out” and sell their license to a new grocery store or similar establishment.

Supporters of the ban claim that any respectable business, be it an organic grocery store, bowling alley, or venue should be able to survive without a liquor license.  But realistically speaking, many restaurants need liquor licenses in order to stay competitive, fully serve their clientele, and make enough profit to stay afloat.  Similarily, Local Mission Market and Valencia Whole Foods believe licenses are necessary to become more viable small, local grocery stores that can compete with the likes of Bi-Rite, Trader Joes, and Whole Foods.

Beyond the grocery store and bowling alley hullabaloo, the supporters of this failed legislation want to keep it in place to curb the menace of today: gentrification—big scary gentrification! In their twisted train of thought, restricting new licenses in the Mission will protect the vibe of the neighborhood. But, in reality, the very opposite is happening.

The only way to open a new bar in the neighborhood is to acquire an existing bar, either through evicting the bar by refusing to renew its lease (as was the case with Kink.com taking over Ace Cafe on 14th and Mission) or buying a bar outright (such as Dr. Teeth did to Bissap Baobab). Often, this comes at the expense of Latino establishments—in the past year alone, El Rincon and El Mexicano were gobbled up by 'Hipster Joints'.

Moreover, because selling a license to a new business in the Mission is seen as a riskier investment, as the ban makes it easier for SFPD and ABC to regulate new businesses with licenses (see the mandated limited hours of Mission Cheese, West of Pecos, and Dear Mom), licenses are sold for a highly inflated price to neighborhood businesses.  Existing Mission bars and restaurants with licenses are flipped on the market for exorbitant prices for the exact same reason.

Effectually, cheaper restaurants that want to serve alcohol can no longer afford to open in the Mission and we're left with restaurants that only cater to a wealthier crowd. After all, they need to recoup their investment.

Supposedly, Campos is in favor creating a taxpayer-funded program to fiscally sponsor Latino entrepreneurs who wish to open an business with a liquor license in an effort to combat these rising costs. Essentially, he's admitting there is a problem with the current system. So why not fix the problem, rather than allocate funds for people of particular ethnicities to navigate the bureaucratic chaos?

It's this kind of thinking that forces our business leaders to spend valuable months and fiscal resources schmoozing City Hall into amending a law, rather than opening a new business. Instead of serving customers, pouring beer at an independent movie, having people bowl, or opening a grocery store, this legislation is forcing businesses to squander valuable time maneuvering around bad policy. And after spending tens of thousands of unnecessary dollars just to start the business, is anyone really surprised that new restaurants are charging $15 for a hamburger?

(If you're interested in seeing this bad legislation go away, Campos is hosting another meeting to debate the matter Wed., June 13th at the Mission Cultural Center for Latino Arts [2868 Mission at 25th] Plaza Adelante [2301 Mission at 19th])

What Does the Valencia St. Fire Have to do with Trash Pick-up and Politics?

It's been only a few weeks since a massive fire tore through a Valencia Street building, displacing dozens of residents, and the disaster is already being perverted for political purposes.  How?  By a disinformation campaign by the SF Firefighters and Recology (the city's trash-collection provider) to protect the company's 70-year-old government-granted monopoly status by painting the ballot measure as an assault on our recycling and composting laws.  How darling.

(Oh, and if you are actually interested in reading up on this, the SFBG has a shockingly reasonable analysis of the ballot measure.  You can also read the initiative itself, as well as the Chronicle's dueling opinions for the measure and against it.)

[via Generic]

Taking the 'Commie' Out of Christmas

I'm sick and tired of Big Christmas and Uncle Santa's yearly socialist retribution of wealth.  Every December 25th, the red flannel menace whips our country's baby creators with taxes only to shower the lazy breast-feeding do-nothings with handouts and new stuffed animals.  It's time we take Saint Nick, that Kenyan terror-president, and maybe Sean Penn and toss 'em in a Siberian Gulag.  To die.  Forever.

Also, is May too early to start thinking about Christmas?

Divisive Parents Want to Fence Off Section of Dolores Park for Brats

Ever since that silly playground opened a month ago, there seems to be a real effort to “clean up” the park.  It's been alleged, repeatedly, that SFPD has been trying to make gay sunbathers feel uncomfortable.  Then SFPD came after people who really need to pee.  And someone managed to rouse our city-sanctioned thugs into busting Cold Beer, Cold Water n' crew.

But that wasn't enough.  Oh no.  Now the neighborhood's population of persnickety parents wants to fence off the playground to keep their little 30 pound disasters shelthered from the savage realities of the outside world:

Some parents have said they are concerned that the recently opened Helen Diller playground in Dolores Park lacks a fence to keep out dogs, which can scare, chase or hurt their children.

Andre Kellerman, a neighbor who lives opposite the park, said she recently saw a pit bull wandering in the playground.

“It was just running aimlessly through the playground and it knocked down a toddler as it went though,” she said […]

Jana Thompson, another neighbor living close to Dolores Park, also saw the incident. To her, it feels as though “dogs have taken precedence over kids” in Dolores Park. Several neighbors have written to both the San Francisco Recreation and Park Department and district Supervisor Scott Wiener.

Ugh.  UGH.  UUUGGGGHHHHHHH.

To Scott Wiener's credit, he thinks the people crying for a border fence are 'fucking dumb' (or, to quote, “The playground, he said, is 'an asset to the park,' and 'radically changing its design' would be inappropriate.”)  However, Dolores Park's manager wants to “keep the option to put up a fence” and quasi-community organization Dolores Park Works thinks a small fence “may be a good idea.”

And, sure, the fence “may be a good idea,” but it would cost money and divide the park and make throwing big events more difficult and generally suck.  Instead, why not enact a city ordinance mandating that parents leash their children so our beloved pups can run around without fear of bumping into some unattended biped?

So vote for me this November 6th.  For the unleashed children.

[Mission Local | Photo by Niall Kennedy]

Police No Longer Down With People Peeing Openly in Dolores Park

DVTDL? reports:

Ever since mankind ceased ambulating about on four limbs, and began walking this earth on two—man has peed on his god given ground. For thousands of years, man has micturated upon the earth.

Well not in Obama’s America. In #ObamasAmerica, the police state tells you where you can and can’t pee. And if they don’t like you choice of location, they write you a ticket.

All that “Obama plotted 9/11” mumbo jumbo aside, is it really fair to ticket people for skipping the gargantuan bathroom line altogether and tinkling on building itself when the city puts literally no effort in providing ample facilities?  I mean, it's the warmest weekend of the year, the park's packed, and sometimes you just gotta go.

[Photo and reportage by DVTDL?]

The State of the Tanning Undress

Readers of Uptown Almanac, distinguished guests, and fellow San Franciscans:

Today, I went to Dolores Park and welcomed the sight of hunky Jesuses. Together with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, they offered a  proud salute to the holiday under which more than a million of our fellow citizens observe - and several thousands instead celebrate in the park in blasphemous fashion.

At a time when too many sunbathers' pants legs stay rolled down and shirts scrunched up, Hunky Jesuses exceeded all expectations.

Imagine what we could accomplish if we followed their example. Think about the San Francisco within our reach: A city that leads the world in roasting sacred cows. A city that is truly free, and a city that once again sunbathes in Dolores Park with gusto and aplomb.

We can do this. I know we can, because we've done it before. At the end of World War II, when another generation of  hedonists returned home from combat, they achieved some of the best tans the world has ever known. My grandfather was named Mr. March at a time when male pinup calendars were sold in hushed tones and whispers. My grandmother, who worked indoors, was part of a workforce that later mastered some of the best sunbathing since ancient Egypt.

The two of them shared the optimism of a City that had triumphed over fog and clothing. They understood they were part of something larger; that they were contributing to a story of success that every San Franciscan had a chance to share - the basic San Francisco promise that if you disregarded hard work, you could still do well enough to get tan, rent a crumbling studio, write a blog, and put a little away for beer.

The defining issue of our time is how to keep that promise alive. No challenge is more urgent. No debate is more important. We can either settle for a city where a shrinking number of people get very tan, while a growing number of San Franciscans barely disrobe in the sun. Or we can restore a PMA where everyone strips down, lies in the sun, and is evenly warmed by rays of vitamin D with nary a care in the world. What's at stake are not Hedonistic values or Traditional values, but San Francisco values. We have to reclaim them.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless San Francisco.

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