Mission District

Cannonball "Bomb Scare" Shuts Down Valencia

The Chronicle has the skinny on today's bomb scare that shut down 26th and Valencia earlier:

The Salvation Army called police at 10:27 a.m. to report that someone had included what looked like a cannonball with items donated to its store at 1500 Valencia St., police Capt. John Loftus said.

Fearing the object could be explosive, police closed off 26th Street between Valencia and Guerrero streets while they removed the object to render it safe.

Read on.

[Photo by Colin Brumelle]

Local Bar to Host Evening of Bovine Breast Porn (NSFV)

MOIST DELICIOUSNESS NOT SHOWN TO SCALE

WARNING: NSFV! Apparently unafraid of alienating the local veg crowd, Shotwell's is hosting 'Brisketfest' from 6 to 10pm tonight.  The cash-only cow slaughter will feature brisket from three local purveyors; Wise Sons Deli, Good Foods Catering, and the mysterious Gypsy Kitchen.

$5 gets you a slab of meat from one of the three choices, and $15 gets you all three and the privilege of casting a vote to decide who will be called the Baron of Brisket. Sodacraft is sponsoring the event and providing tasty beverages. More event details on the Sodacraft website. Hell, It's not even lunch time and I'm already feeling ravenous. 

YO COW TITTY HOW YOU TASTE SO GOOD??

Hot Area Dive Now Serves Cold Ice Cream Sundaes

Bender's doesn't anything else going for it—certainly not more favorable coverage from area blogs such as this.  But as an admitted ice cream snob who intends to live out his golden years with an ugly concoction of diabetes and liver disease, news that Bender's is now turning out sundae's in tater tot trays for five bucks is impossible to pass up.  And just look at that thing: delicious ice cream that comes from a 5 gallon tub, melty in all the right places, and oozing with chocolate syrup.  Plus, for those of you who aspire to die of heart failure, they'll cover it in bacon bits at no extra cost.

No word as to how long you'll be able to score this, but it looked like there was a mess of ice cream in the fridge.

Bi-Rite Market Hires Bouncer, Institutes One-In-One-Out Policy

The very nice bouncer, who didn't size up my wardrobe or pat me down in search of concealed weapons, informed me that this has started happening on busy weekends lately in response to the fire marshal enforcing capacity limits.  He acknowledged the whole situation was “kinda embarrassing.”  Why? “Because, you know, we're a grocery store.”

Anyway, if you can get over the public shaming of patiently and nonchalantly standing behind a red rope for organic peaches and cruelty-free cheeses, Monday afternoon's line was only 2 minutes and 34 seconds long (I timed it, for journalism) and you're treated to a sampling of free tomatoes once you make it to the top of the list.

Brian Wilson Rides Fixie, Goes to Mission Thrift Store

This tip comes to us by way of a trustworthy bike messenger, who can reliably identify a fixie when he sees one.  “Black frame, bullhorns, no brakes.”  Seems like a reckless ride for our closer, but considering Coolstandings.com says the Giants only have a 7.7% chance of making the playoffs this year, perhaps Brian just said “fuck it” and decided to offload his collection of devalued Giants' memorabilia after 'crushing it' around town on 20 pounds of brakeless steal.

But was it really Brian?  I can't count the times I've seen some jacked, black bearded kid rocking a pair of bitchin' shades and shit my pants thinking Brian was in the same late-night burrito queue as me, only to learn it was an imposter and an evening's worth of booze had blurred my vision.  Which begs the question: why hasn't anyone started a “Brian Wilson or Hipster?” meme tumblr yet?

There's a book deal in there somewhere.

(Thanks John!)

New Evidence Suggests Clooney's is a Bona Fide Dive Bar

It appears that I'm not the only one taking issue with Eater and The Weekly's accusation that Clooney's isn't a really a dive barDoug of Ice Tubes writes:

Yo, after seeing your post on Clooney's I sent the link to my friend who practically lives there. He (pretty quickly) sent me back the attached photo of a dog drinking a beer at the bar, which he saw two nights ago. “Watched this mutt sit at the bar and lap down a half pint of stella (apparently the only beer he'll drink) and proceed to stumble off the stool onto the ground.”

And if stumbling-drunk pups doesn't convince you, the comment thread from Tuesday's post is still going strong, with people pointing towards your freedom to pass out on the bar (a personal favorite of mine) or access to “local talent” as proof of its dive status. However, Vulcan Tits really hits it home:

The first time I went to Clooney's a buddy and I wanted to shoot pool on a Sunday afternoon. We walk in the door, and the sixty-ish bartender immediately yells the following at us from across the bar:

“If you want to have a mother/daughter bartending threesome then you came to the right place”. It went downhill (uphill?) from there.

Apple Employee Donates iPhone 5 to the Internet While Casually Inebriating Himself in Mission District Shithole

FACT: Apple employees can't hold their liquor… and an iPhone, at the same time.

Either that or I'm in a fucking time warp, because in a dumb-shit repeat of last year's iPhone 4 prototype incident, an Apple employee apparently lost his iPhone 5 at Cava 22 at Mission and 22nd back in July. CNET and Bernalwood are all over the story, since the phone was apparently back-traced to Bernal by the cyberpolice using the Find My iPhone app.  The SFPD searched the home where the device was tracked to, but found nothing. The resident of the home acknowledge being at Cava 22 the night the phone 'went missing' (ie: was set down and abandoned at the bar so Apple-bro could carry all 6 tequila shots back to his table) but claims not to have any knowledge of the missing iPhone. According to CNET, Apple and the SFPD believe the phone might have already been sold on Craigslist for $200; a significant drop from the $5000 Gizmodo paid for the iPhone 4 prototype. I blame the drop in value on Steve Jobs retirement, and the fact that no semi-legit source would go anywhere near a stolen Apple prototype after what happened to Gizmodo last year. 

Aren't these Apple people supposed to geniuses or something? Maybe they should have their potential field-testers fill out a questionarre before issuing them a prototype, with questions like “Do you like bars?” or “Are you under 35 and prone to binge drinking?” and “Do you check in to 4Square when you drink and then set your phone down on the table?” 

And seriously, $200??? That's a better deal than buying it retail. 

Clooney's

If Clooney's isn't a dive bar, then are there any dives left in San Francisco?

I came across two interesting bits yesterday.  First from Eater:

SFoodie’s W. Blake Gray takes a few bites of the “rich bar food” Justin Navarro serves during his ​The Galley pop-up at Valencia St.’s pseudo dive bar, Clooney’s. He likes the French onion sandwich. He “devours” it, actually.

Then, from the SF Weekly article Eater points too:

Clooney’s Pub is a Valencia Street bar that, to be fair, is a little too nice to really be called a dive bar. SFoodie is big fans of Bouncer columnist Katy St. Clair and we know she would say that the pool table and most of the TVs are too functional, and half-a-dozen beers on tap is at least four too many, for it to really be a dive.

Too nice to really be called a dive bar?  Really?  There are dudes in Rascal Scooters getting drunk in there at 6am.  It still manages to smell like cigarettes despite the fact no one has smoked in the place in years.  The bathroom has no graffiti, yet the toilet is nasty enough that you’d never dare use it.  And the cheap beer on tap is Busch.

That’s not to say Clooney’s doesn’t have its strengths: it’s a bargain drunk, they have Star Trek fiction on loan, the pool table is almost always free, and I can drink there well into my 60s.  But it’s by no means a good bar.

Which begs the question, has San Francisco become so pretentious about not being pretentious that we kid ourselves into thinking Clooney’s is not a dive?  And most importantly, is there anywhere left in San Francisco that’s crappy enough to avoid rubbing elbows with self-described “foodies”?

[Photo by Armand Emamdjomeh]

Dan Plasma's Tiger Mural Replaced by Rad Mural of Sharks and Octopi Ambushing Tiger

Looks like the drama on Valencia's Pica Pica wall between Dan Plasma and nearly every other graffiti writer in San Francisco has finally been put to bed with a fresh mural commemorating The Beef!  For the unfamiliar, Dan Plasma had a large mural of a tiger along the side of Pica Pica for a year or two.  Then back in April, Pica Pica let a bunch of writers put up a bunch of maize-related pieces/advertisements over the Tiger mural, which apparently made Dan Plasma upset.  So he painted over the new maize mural with a rehash of the original tiger theme, which predictably spent the entire summer getting vandalized by The Righteous Crusaders Against Plasma.

All of those subculture theatrics has left us with a bad ass mural of a gang of sharks and octopi attacking a Dan Plasma-style tiger with battle axes, daggers, and gold Ray-Bans.  I can only assume the tiger sitting on a bed of flowers with a bunny on his lap because Plasma, as other graffiti kids commonly allege, is a “weak faggot,” which means this mural will last about a day before Pica Pica paints it over because of its unfortunate homophobic overtones.  Regardless, this is the best the wall has looked in years.

Blow it up real big to take the whole thing in.

[Photo by Kewlio]

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