Dolores Park
This map is missing "No Income", "Food Blog", and "Cold Beer, Cold Water". But damn.
First, rental prices in San Francisco pushed restaurants out into the streets, creating a fleet of trendy, $4-a-taco mobile eateries that just couldn't cut in the rough-and-tumble brick-and-mortar world. Now the fashion world is catching up to the foodies, bringing Top Shelf Boutique right to the doorstep of San Francisco's sunburnt and weed-addled fashion community.
With the way rents are climbing, pretty soon every restaurant, business, bar, and apartment will have wheels and a chassis. Time to bulldoze SOMA and pave a fantastic parking lot with WiFi hotspots and cappuccinos? Oh wait...
Previously on Uptown Almanac
We've been slightly alarmed by the police presence in the park this spring--undercovers asking picnickers for heroin, arresting Cold Beer, Cold Water (and him being scared into only selling water), cops walking around warning people about smoking and open containers. In fact, since the new playground opened, there's been a reported 17 arrests made in the park and Dolores has lurched closer toward becoming the kid-safe wonderland neighbors long for (whatever that looks like).
While we're all pretty bummed that we can't buy weed cookies in the park anymore and we'll be forced to head to Golden Gate Park, The Panhandle, 16th and Mission, Bum Shoots, 24th and Folsom, 4th and Mission, any corner in the TL, 7th and Market, Medithrive, call up that dude Ron, Barah's "Heroin" Market, some dorm near Daly City, or The Vapor Room to get our hook-up, the precedent of cops patrolling the park and cracking down on its unregulated, yet in-check fun is a concerning development. Is it that unreasonable to give responsible adults a small, two block space to do what we do outdoors?
We reached out to SFPD's Mission Station and the Department's Media Relations division (which is paid to respond to "press inquiries") about the situation multiple times this week (starting on Tuesday) with some questions about what is happening in the park, to start a dialogue. This is what they got back to us with:
UA: Just to confirm, have there been 17 arrests made, and over what time period?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: What have the crimes associated with the various arrests been?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: While we've seen an uptick in police presence in Dolores Park every spring over the last few years, it's been notably worse this year. Why have the police been more active in the park this year?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Most people have noticed a direct correlation between police presence in Dolores and the opening of the new Hellen Diller Playground. Is this in fact related?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Has your department been receiving more complaints from parents and neighbors since the playground opened? What kind of complaints are you receiving?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Has any one person, or group of persons, motivated the police department to become more active in the park?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: It has been reported (and observed), that SFPD tends to focus their action in the south-west corner of the park, a space typically used by the gay community. Is there a reason for that?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Residents have found it troubling that only one arrest has been made following the destruction of area businesses and Mission Station on April 30th, yet 17 non-violent D.I.Y. entrepreneurs have been arrested for selling goods (and drugs) in Dolores Park. Moreover, hotspots like 16th and Mission continue to serve as open markets for hard drugs and violent crime. While we're not asking if you think it is okay for SFPD to ignore the law in Dolores Park--or anywhere, do you think that there is an inappropriate allocation of police resources given the arrests made in Dolores Park vs. what is done to clean up much more violent areas of the Mission?
SFPD: No comment.
Thanks, SFPD! Keep doing what you're doing.
[Pic by Prolly Is Not Probably]
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Amid the sea of useless iPhone apps and silly time wasting mobile games, sometimes there is a shining star just waiting to be plucked from obscurity and downloaded right onto your pretty, unsmashed iPhone. This app isn't shaping up to be one of them.
Dolo supposedly helps you find your friends in Dolores Park. Awesome! We need another "where is everyone having a bitchin' time without you" app in the mix. Also, finding people in the park is hard.
First, you have to sign on through Facebook, which makes sense since it needs to populate itself with your friends list, but still annoying because it's Facebook and I'm a hater (who uses Facebook all the time regardless). Also, the tagline for the app is really unfortunate: "Finding Friends, And Being Scene, At Dolores Park"?
Putting aside the horrific grammar and awful landing page pun, this app could have potential. Could this finally be the app that geo-locates your friends in Dolores so that you no longer have to stand in the middle of Hipster Hill waving like an idiot trying to find your already tipsy friends? Is this the day when you can beeline it straight to your crew, avoiding dudes masturbating under blankets and gnargle-infested drum circles?
No, not today. Once you're logged into the site, you only see which of your friends have checked into the park via Facebook. I hate to break it to you, young app developers, but this app already exists, and it's called foursquare.
(Also, it would totally help any app trying to pinpoint your homies in Dolores Park if anyone actually got cell phone reception there on a Saturday afternoon. Amiright AT&T?!)
Photo via Mark Pritchard
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Around this time last year, Crate & Barrel was in Dolores Park (and outside the 500 Club, if we remember correctly) shooting a commercial for some products. But nothing ever came of it, until now:
The Dolores Park Collection! What fun!
The list of goods, from Mission Mission:
- Burger/bratwurst sauce
- Barbecue sauce
- Burger press
- Insulated cooler tote (not the first insulated cooler bag to be associated with the Dolores brand, by the way)
- Mini-grill of some Nordic brand
Yes, for $125.75, you're ready to BBQ in Dolores Park. In style. No need to press those burgers with your own hands. No need to run to Safeway for some Sweet Baby Ray's. Crate & Barrel has got you covered.
Now, all that's left is to wait for the unveiling of that commercial they shot last year. And, hopefully, Martha Stewart's "Live From Dolores Park" episode (squeal!!!!!).
[via Mission Mission]
Previously on Uptown Almanac
We've heard about Vayable before--you know, the 'travel experiences' website that enables enterprising Joe Somebodys to offer supposedly authentic tours of their locales. We've seen 'em in action before, first with a tour of Tenderloin homelessness and then again with a $30 wine and cheese insult picnic in Dolores Park. What fun!
It seems Vayable is still in business and there's a new (!!!) tour of Dolores Park: a $25 dollar per-person journey into "The Life of a Hipster." That's right, noted graphic designer "Stefan" will show you the PBR-soaked ropes of Dolores Park culture, even offering to give you a pair of knock-off Wayfarers to complete your afternoon.
The thing is, I don't trust these tour guides. Anyone offering to give a tour of the park immediately calls the legitimacy of said tour into suspicion. Just look at that picture: not only does that dog not have any tats, but that guy's shorts aren't jorts. And you expect this to be a genuine tour of hipster culture?
I'd like to offer a counter tour of Dolores Park. A tour of the real Dolores Park. Below, a sample itinerary of your three hours in the park:
2:00pm - Tour/hangout begins.
2:25pm - I show up 25 minutes late looking haggard, listless, and easily confused. I'll blame my alarm, which "didn't go off again, I totally swear."
2:26pm - I take a seat on the grass, noting that "I don't think I want to start drinking yet" and "I've been trying to take it easy lately." Everyone nods in agreement.
2:29pm - Cold Beer, Cold Water walks by, serenading us with his siren song one for three, two for five.
2:30pm - Five dollars poorer and two PBRs richer.
2:42pm - Speculate that none of our friends are in the park yet because "it's too fucking early" and express surprise that we're even up ourselves.
2:48pm - Everyone collectively glares in the general direction of a growing drum circle.
3:00pm - iPhones begin to buzz with requests for "brunch?"
3:01pm - "naw 2 pbrs deep in dolo. bring tecate?"
3:02pm- *Error: Message Send Failure*
3:17pm - Huddle together and devise a plan to hide from the girl you fucked last week that's walking towards our group.
3:19pm - Talk to her anyway.
3:21pm - Report the conversation was "no big deal."
3:31pm - Complain that "the weed truffle dude" hasn't been in the park allllll day.
3:32pm - Friends begin to trickle into the park. They brought beer and it's Modelo Especial. Assholes.
3:34pm - Reprimand a neighboring park-goer for listening to Cut Copy over iPhone speakers. I mean, really?
3:42pm - Trade a dude in a Ninja Turtles t-shirt a $6.70 BART card for a jumbo weed cookie.
3:49pm - Attempt to hit on cute girl in a tattered Black Sabbath t-shirt by remarking how much better English rock was in the 1970s. After being completely ignored, walk away hoping no one sees you.
3:58pm - Grumble about all the "shitty dubstep" being played in the park. Be corrected by your smart-ass friend, noting that "it's more witchhaus than dubstep."
4:03pm - Survey the thousands of fellow cool kids in the park, observing that "nothing is really going on today" and recollect "how much more action" was in the park last week.
4:09pm - Pose for photos with a guy masturbating under a blank as a backdrop.
4:21pm - Call Rhea's and order a vegan sando from a recovering heroin addict.
4:32pm - Your friend Tim turns up, seeing you checked in Foursquare. He's standing 10 feet away from you and trying to call you. You reach for your phone, unsuccessfully, and grunt "I guess I'll hang out with him later."
4:58pm - TCB Courier delivers your sando, because there was "no fucking way" you were walking two blocks "in this fucking heat."
5:00pm - My iPhone alarm starts ringing. The tour is over. I stand up, throw two dollars in change in your face and wish you a "horrible Muni ride home."
5:43pm - You're still standing at the corner of 16th and Guerrero, wondering if the 22 will ever show up. I'm hunkered over the Pop's bar, squandering my hard-earned tour guide money on bloody mary's and bitching about all the drunk Marina types ruining the park.
That'll be 25 dollars please.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
I'm not sure why there are only four columns, or why "dogs" or "ppl from San Diego" aren't in the free square, but I do believe we're onto something here.
We've reported on this a bunch lately, so we won't dive too far into this. However, it's worth noting that SFPD isn't just going after the suppliers of booze and weed in the park anymore, but directly after the consumers. We even heard some rumors that Cold Beer, Cold Water gave up on selling beer and is only selling water.
Can we, like, just tear down that dumb playground and go back to normal?
UPDATE: Here's a pic of the undercovers busting people in the park, sent to us by an anonymous reader. Be aware:
Previously on Uptown Almanac
How could parents possibly want to erect fences and isolate their babies from the greater delights of Dolores Park? Just dump some vodka in that formula bottle and let the good times roll.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Ever since that silly playground opened a month ago, there seems to be a real effort to "clean up" the park. It's been alleged, repeatedly, that SFPD has been trying to make gay sunbathers feel uncomfortable. Then SFPD came after people who really need to pee. And someone managed to rouse our city-sanctioned thugs into busting Cold Beer, Cold Water n' crew.
But that wasn't enough. Oh no. Now the neighborhood's population of persnickety parents wants to fence off the playground to keep their little 30 pound disasters shelthered from the savage realities of the outside world:
Some parents have said they are concerned that the recently opened Helen Diller playground in Dolores Park lacks a fence to keep out dogs, which can scare, chase or hurt their children.
Andre Kellerman, a neighbor who lives opposite the park, said she recently saw a pit bull wandering in the playground.
“It was just running aimlessly through the playground and it knocked down a toddler as it went though,” she said [...]Jana Thompson, another neighbor living close to Dolores Park, also saw the incident. To her, it feels as though “dogs have taken precedence over kids” in Dolores Park. Several neighbors have written to both the San Francisco Recreation and Park Department and district Supervisor Scott Wiener.
Ugh. UGH. UUUGGGGHHHHHHH.
To Scott Wiener's credit, he thinks the people crying for a border fence are 'fucking dumb' (or, to quote, "The playground, he said, is 'an asset to the park,' and 'radically changing its design' would be inappropriate.") However, Dolores Park's manager wants to "keep the option to put up a fence" and quasi-community organization Dolores Park Works thinks a small fence "may be a good idea."
And, sure, the fence "may be a good idea," but it would cost money and divide the park and make throwing big events more difficult and generally suck. Instead, why not enact a city ordinance mandating that parents leash their children so our beloved pups can run around without fear of bumping into some unattended biped?
So vote for me this November 6th. For the unleashed children.
[Mission Local | Photo by Niall Kennedy]
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