Dolores Park

Proving that Dykes are People and Hipsters are Savage Animals

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you're like me, you've given up on keeping Dolores Park sanitary and just piss where ever you can.  Hundreds of people are already pissing on the Muni tracks because the city / Rec and Parks doesn't care about black people doesn't care about addressing the obvious shortage of bathrooms.  Some weekends, they make the token gesture of having 4 spaceshuttles parked on Dolores, but that never solves the problem because

  1. The line is still long as fuck
  2. The porta potties are only there some weekends
  3. For some asinine reason, the toilets are occasionally locked during peak park hours.

So yeah, I think this scene for the Dyke March is hilarious.  No matter how crowded the park gets on an everyday weekend, no matter how many people are essentially forced to urinate in public because they can't hold it for the requisite 15 minutes, the city refuses to solve the problem.  Unless it's for Pride Weekend.*

* Yes I know event organizers are required to have porta potties on the scene for events.  That doesn't mask the obvious problem that the park is wicked crowded every weekend that it's above 70 degrees.

(photo by cowperthwait)

TRAGIC: Crackpots SUCCESSFULLY Block Improved Cellphone Service for Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Remember back when we laughed at a completely ludicrous protest of NIMBY neighbors claiming that making cellphones work in the northwest corner of the Mission would hurt the children?  Well, guess what, the protest actually fucking worked.  In spite of the fact there is no scientific proof backing their claims that the celltower would cause you to turn into a swamp monster, T-Mobile backed down and withdrew their permit application.

From known neighborhood troll Gideon Kramer:

As you may know, T-Mobile applied for a permit to install a cell phone tower in the spire of St. Matthew's Episcopal Church, 3281 16th St., across from Mission Dolores. Neighbors very concerned about the adverse health effects of radiofrequency microwave emissions from cellphone towers (see www.discoverrealanswers.com/Cell_Towers.shtml if interested in learning more) [ED NOTE: Any site that is called “Discover Real Answers”  or “RON PAUL FORUMS” and ends in .shtml IS NOT TO BE FUCKING TRUSTED], especially in the vicinity of so many schools as we have here in the Mission Dolores neighborhood, protested, and did so successfully.

We just learned that T-Mobile has withdrawn its application. Congratulations to all who made this happen.

Congratulations to all who made this happen.  You're all officially tools.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to smoke a parliament, drink Jameson all night, eat fast food, microwave a frozen dinner, call someone on my cellphone without using a headset, sit out in the sun without a shirt on all day, and cover myself in bugspray because I heard it was going to be a really bad year for mosquitos.

Signed,
One of your precious fucking children

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Pug vs. Human

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Dolores Park was in full effect yesterday, with a concentration of adorable at the slip n' slide.

No Lighter, No Matches, No Problem

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If anyone ever asks you where San Francisco's creative center is, point them towards Dolores Park.  After discovering that no lighter was available, boy busts out a credit card sized magnifying glass and starts burning the danke HC 420 with it.  Reminded me of killing ants in my grandparent's backyard.  Al Gore would be proud.

Followup: Dolores Park Police Chase

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Chalkman weighs in:

CHP hot pursuit of red camero. KPIX news van in pursuit as well. Perp comes down Dolores and realizes mistake as “cars parked for church—wink wink” have Dolores down to one lane each way. Perp cuts across middle and drives down wrong way before cops box him in. Driver bails between 17th and 18th, runs around corner at 18th and Dolores and gets tazed by SFPD on the garage door next to Bi-Rite creamery (red door with white diamonds). Passenger stays with car and has multiple guns pointed at her by CHP and SFPD.

Tazer scream was loud enough to get me to come out from my place across the street. Perp cuffed and taken away by CHP within 15 mins of tazering.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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