Dolores Park

Aerial Fabric Acrobatics in Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I'm not going to lie: I had absolutely no idea what was going on when I spotted this scene Sunday afternoon in Dolores Park.  At first, this girl spent so much time hanging upside down from this fabric that I was just waiting for some blind-folded child wielding a bat to start hitting her until candy cam gushing out.  In fact, I had to use the googles a number of times, tossing in keywords like “dancing,” “fabric,” “acrobatics,” and “Darwinism” until I finally figured out that this sport (??) is called “aerial fabric acrobatics.”

Eventually, she ascended to the top of the fabric, began wrapping it all around herself and started doing spins and twirls and other stuff that would make ordinary people projectile vomit onto the spectators below.  Good times!

And What Do 7x7 Readers Think About Blue Bottle Coming to Dolores Park?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Earlier this week I went to some lame community meeting about renovating Mecca and rather than talk about the renovations, NIMBY neighbors spent 90 minutes berating Rec. & Park about park minutia.  My favorite tirade was the 20 minutes wasted talking about Blue Bottle moving into Dolores Park, which the neighbors were (obviously) against.  Admittedly, I was sort of skeptical about having carts go into the park, but listening to these people makes me all for it (can we get a liquor store in there already?).  They complained about the outreach and not knowing about the carts going into the park (SF Weekly was posting stories about it in the Spring) and whining about the money being raised not being exclusively for the park (Rec. & Park confirmed that their accounting processes makes this impossible and they have to close their $12m budget deficit).  Neighbors are vowing to fight to get the permit revoked (two board members of Dolores Park Works even suggested that the stands be kicked out, even though they haven't even arrived yet).  Yeah, the privatization of SF Parks sucks, but crying to Rec. & Parks during an unrelated meeting isn't the way to go about it.  At least some people are thrilled.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Smoking 2.0: Replacing Chatroulette's Dongs for Seshroulette's Bongs

— By Jenny Wilson |

Image via Cranked, via some tv show.

The Daily Beast a few weeks ago reported on a new way to experience anonymous video-chatting— video-chatting WHILE HIGH. Seshroulette, is a new anonymous video-chatting service that promises you will never have to smoke alone, so long as you're 18 or older, and are smoking legal marijuana. However, there is no way of tracking whether the person you're getting “hella high” with is smoking legal greens. The site only tracks the city users are coming from, leaving authorities with some smokey rings to jump through if they ever want to actually bust a virtual toke fest. The site also doesn't permit any indecent exposure, so you can smoke assured that your high won't be ruined by some dicks later on…

Intrigued, I decided to try Seshroulette out myself one night under the guise of investigative journalism. The following is my story…

All users are currently smoking with each other. Press Next Sesh, or check 'Magic Stoner-Finder'. grinding the bud… packing the bowl… one sec, please…….

At 11:30 PM I'm connected to a scantily clad female sitting in a sun drenched room.  I say hello, ask her where she's from and try to engage, but she doesn't respond. This chick is here on a mission. Soon I realize that her bikini top is in fact “rasta” colors. She holds up a fat nug to the screen, takes out a large bong, packs a bowl, takes a huge rip, blows smoke into the screen, flips me off and I'm onto the next sesh…

All users are currently smoking with each other. Press Next Sesh, or check 'Magic Stoner-Finder'. grinding the bud… packing the bowl… one sec, please…….

11:46:06> Connected. Enjoy the session!

This time I'm connected to a burly man, reclined in a dark corner, illuminated by incandescent light, and strangely only using one hand to type to me… I introduce myself and find out that this dewd is smoking all the way from that scene stealing town otherwise known as Oakland. I tell him that I'm in San Francisco, and ask if he thinks that pot is better in Oakland than SF. He responds, “Fuck if I know, weed is weed.” I immediately recognize that this guy is awesome and we bond over saving money on the bridge toll by smoking via the internets. My new bff pipes up and squeals, “yea FUCk that bridge toll.”

I wanted to know more, how long has this mystery man been Seshrouletting? A: ive only  been on a couple times so far. 

What have his experiences been so far? A: i dont know, people smoking weed i guess.

What is his real name? A: call me poppa bear.

As soon as I go to ask my next question, Poppa Bear brings out a bong to really drive the whole Seshroulette experience home. Poppa Bear's bong is named “the wizard” because it takes him “to magical places” and he rips its shaft with true mastery. Then he brings out a blunt larger than Snoop Dogg's and I've decided that I've had enough when he starts complaining about getting ash on his couch. 

So, when those dirt bike riding cops in Dolores Park start cracking down on everyone's smoke seshes in the park, at least you know you have a virtual haven to find solace in.  Seshroulette, where you'll never have to worry about smoking alone bro.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Bach in Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Killer time in Dolores this weekend: Mime Trope, Slip n' Slide, a DJ set, Monday was the biggest non-event crowd I've ever witnessed, brand new vendors hawking their wares everywhere and a cello player just to top it off.  Makes me wish I didn't leave town on Saturday so I could have been there all weekend.

(photo by wayne bremer)

Blue Bottle Officially Coming to Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The SF Examiner is reporting that Rec. & Park approved Blue Bottle's two year lease to sell wares in Dolo:

Blue Bottle LLC — which already attracts hundreds of coffee aficionados who wait in long lines at its Ferry Building, Hayes Valley, Mint Plaza and SFMOMA hot spots — was granted a lease to sell its organic and pesticide-free beans in the park.

The Recreation and Park Commission approved the lease at its regular meeting Thursday, with two revisions: It was cut from five years to two years, and the cart can’t be “smack dab’’ in the middle of the park.

The exact location and opening date of the stand is still unclear, hopefully they don't just plan the stand in the middle of the park.  What seems sketchy is the business narrative that is being injected in the park.  Now that “legitimate” businesses are permitted to sell in the park, what does this mean for the grassroots, DIY economy that we all now enjoy?  Will businesses setting up shop in the park start demanding a crackdown on kids selling cupcakes because it's unfair competition?

What bothers me most is that Dolores Park is a dependable good time without feeling like a fairground.  But with such a large marketable crowd, I guess this was bound to happen.

(Link - photo by spencerhooks.  Hat tip InsideScoop)

What I Learned at the Dolores Park Community Meeting Last Night

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

UPTOWNALMANAC PROTIP: if you don't want people peeing in public, unlock the goddamn portapotties

Note: if you want to read the meeting minutes, check out Mission Mission.

As you can imagine, last night's meeting was mostly neighbors having a good cry about the park and 'those damn kids' and nothing really getting done.  To briefly recap:

  • Neighbors only think three types of people use the park: 1) People with their kids, 2) people with their dogs and 3) wasted people.
  • Bevan Dufty spent most of the time talking about himself.
  • Bevan Dufty thinks I'm racist xenophobic.
  • It's the children.
  • The neighbors were complaining about issues that are not even remotely Dolores Park specific.

Honestly, I don't have a lot to say about this meeting.  Even if you didn't attend, you can guess exactly how it went down.  This was the third meeting in the past 12 months I've attended about Dolores Park in which I heard neighbors complain about drugs, trash, urine, weed, and beer.  After seeing an increase in park usage over the years, they've seen an increase in people peeing on their doorsteps and trash left in the park.  Believe you me, I'd love to not have to scope out a spot on the dying grass that isn't littered with trash every time I go to the park, and I recognize that it is important to try and clean the park up, but these neighbors are missing the big picture: these are not park issues, they are urban issues.  Anyone who lives in the Mission, Potrero, SOMA, Haight or many other neighborhoods know that vomit and piss on the doorstep is not uncommon.  Trash piles up on York and Treat.   People get stabbed and shot on Mission and 24th constantly.  I could go on and on.

Yes, we could do things to improve the park.  More bathrooms are an easy win, as are more trashcans.  Doing a “leave no trace” campaign may do some good—certainly it won't do any harm.  But I don't think this is what the veteran park neighbors are really concerned about.  For years no one ever went to the park because of the crime.  Muggings, stabbings and drug sales were not the anomaly they are today, they were a fixture of the park.  For this reason, Dolores was all but deserted.  Because the crime happened at night, the neighbors never had to see the crime.  They could enjoy peace and quite during the day.  Play with their dogs.  Have their kids run around the soccer flats.  But that's all gone.  On a Saturday afternoon, it's impossible to play fetch with your dog.  The park is a scene, not a place of peace.  The neighbors fundamentally don't like that their backyard turned into the Bay Area's backyard.  A few rational neighbors have accepted it is never going back to “the good old days” and just want less pee on their doorstep, but what is being communicated to SFPD is to stop the drinking and smoking entirely.  Signs telling patrons just that are all over the park.  The dirt bike patrols have issued 28 citations for booze and weed over the past few weeks, yet no citations for littering or public urination were issued.  It's a carrot and stick issue, but it's clear how they want the issue tackled.

I don't have a solution.  I can't tell neighbors to move to the suburbs, just like they can't tell San Francisco to not enjoy the park.  But their dream park is dead and they need to come to terms with that.

COMMUNITY MEETING ABOUT DOLORES PARK TONIGHT Y'ALLLLLLL

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

RUMOR HAS IT THAT COLD BEER COLD WATER WILL BE THERE SELLING THREE DOLLAR PEEBURRS

If you've been reading the San Francisco shitternets over the past few days, you might have heard there is going to be a community meeting tonight at 6pm at the Mission High School cafeteria (I'll be sitting by myself at the back of the cafe, eating the PB&J and yogurt my mommy packed me).  In spite of the fact I'm almost certain this will be a pointless shitshow in which geezer neighbors outnumber the majority demographic of park users, Bevan Dufty utterly fails at running a meeting, ignorant stereotypes of “hipsters” are tossed around and facts are reinvented so the blame for the trash in the park can be put solely on 20-somethings, I do honestly believe it is important for the readers of this blog to go.  Why?  To fight against exactly what I fear will happen.  Last fall when similar meetings popped up, the under-35 crowd was outnumbered by anti-fun warriors 15:1 and it led to another summer of crackdowns.  If you truly care about your right to enjoy an afternoon in the park with a squad of out-of-touch cops rolling through your park on dirt bikes, make the effort to tell Captain Corrales to get with the times.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Man Gets 'Way Gone' at Four Loko Flash Dance in Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After pounding back 23.5 ounces of Lemonade Loko after the Dolores Park Four Loko flash dance, this dude completely falls apart.  A warning for all you cool kids out there.

(mixed with News 12's youth ad campaign for the malt beverage)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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