Dolores Park

Undercover Cops Bust Cold Beer Cold Water For Only Selling Cold Water

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Here we go again: another spring, another police crackdown of apparently illegal activities in Dolores Park.  Their annual dog and pony show of rounding up dealers and pushers and scolding the citizenry has become predictably routine, sadly.  And it clearly accomplishes nothing.  Alas, SFPD is busy dropping officers in the park while violent crimes remain unsolved.

But while we're not the least bit surprised SFPD has posted up in Dolores again, we cannot help but laugh at their recent bust of James “The Cold Water Guy” for selling bottled water.  That's right, water.  Water.

It was silly enough they had him arrested for flipping PBR for stupid prices last year, but come on.  Who knew SFPD could be this petty.

[Thanks Jack for the tip!]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dolores Park: The Mission's Latest Object of Scorn

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Look, we here still love Dolores Park.  Its views are unparalleled (even when we opt to sit at lower elevations), the grass is alive enough, it's the cheapest bar we know, and it's the Mall of America of people watching.  Sure, the bathrooms are crap and the fights are unfortunate and the drum circles are the worst ever, but we continue to enjoy it. However, it's hard to ignore the ever-mounting mockery and general sneer thrown in its direction.

The brush-off stems from the bubbly herds of artisan thunderheads toting wooden six pack carriers that flock to the park with increasing frequency (which, sure), creating a distinctive “not the Mission” vibe.  And as more non-residents enjoy the park, it has become ever so critical to one's Mission identity to pile onto the park, declaring its otherness and all-around shittiness. (As one critic recently pointed out, “Dolores Park is to Mission residents as the Strip is to people who live in Vegas.”)

Sounds like the usual contempt that comes with the “I was into ____ before it was cool” line of criticism? Well, of course. But the shift in attitudes towards Dolores has been particularly pronounced lately.

Take this damning piece of Dolores Park fan fic from SATAN'S WEINER (no relation to Scott Weiner):

Saturday. A beautiful day. Sun shining, no clouds, birds chirping. I woke up around 10 and had my daily protein shake. Hit the gym with Rich. After working out, Rich and I decided it was time to really enjoy our Saturday and start our weekend off right. At least better than Friday. All we did Friday was go to Matrix, drink shitty tequila, and bang out a couple of dumb sluts. We both wanted today to mean a little bit more, or at least be able to work on our tans. “Should we go to Marina Green?” Rich asked. “Nah man, we already played out the bitches there. I want something different. And by different I’m not talking about Fort Mason, that’s the same shit. I say we get a twelver and go to Dolores Park.” Rich, my lucky wingman, really had no other option than to comply. Without me, Rich wasn’t shit. I showed him how to isolate his triceps, how to drink all the beer you want and keep that six pack, and most importantly I got Rich laid. Sure, he’s my wingman, but by that I mean he really didn’t do anything besides make me look even better. In turn he’d get with the chick’s ugly friends. No harm, no foul. Though in recent days I could sense Rich’s jealousy and thirst for his own fame take hold.

Rich whined, “Dolores?!?!… But there’s just a bunch of lame hipsters and dumb potheads there. Not to mention the dumb ass drum circles that go down there.. Let’s just stay here in the Marina, the bitches are finer anyway.” I assured him, “Yeah, but dude, there will definitely be some fine girls there. Have you even been there before? Plus, dude, half of the bitches there are used to fucking with lame ass skinny hipster fags. They will hop on the first chance they get to be with a real fucking man like me. And you, I guess.” I could see Rich didn’t like that last part, but he really wasn’t as yolked as me and, whatever, it was the truth. So we walked to Fillmore and Chestnut and hopped on the 22, ready to mack on some dumb hipster bitches. I saw some dirty, cracked out homeless women puking in front of KFC. I simply laughed and cracked my first tall can, “Dude, today’s gonna be epic bro!” Rich just put on his shades, cracked his own tallboy and nodded his head.

Ah yes, Dolores Park is poised to become San Francisco's most hated destination next to Burning Man.

[Photo by Chris Schmidt]

Good Thing Those Heroes Saved Dolores Park's Decrepit Shit Cave

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

We were so worked up last week over the news that a neighbor was looking to block the Dolores Park renovations because of childhood obesity that we completely overlooked that a separate group of architectural activists appealed to save the park's condemnable bathroom building.  And good thing they did.  Not only will we be able to continue enjoying those sad walls caked in human shit for years to come, but the sinks are falling right off the walls.

[Photo by Zoey]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Neighbor Seeks to Block Dolores Park Renovations—Because of Childhood Obesity

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Despite the park's praised reputation as a boundless off-leash dog park and enhanced adult recreation emporium, a lone neighbor wants to further delay Dolores Park's already drawn-out renovation project.  For The Children.

According to an appeal filed last week by Dr. Claudia Praetel, the planned two off-leash dog play areas “are by no means acceptable to many families with school-aged children who are using this park.”  She elaborates:

Serious concern for loss of open space for children: Dolores Park is adjacent to 2 schools and has more than 8 other schools near by - desperate need for open space for children to run and play in order to stem childhood obesity pandemic.

The Mission has a very high to higher density of children aged 6-12 per net acre, a large park with open space is paramount to their healthy development in an inner city setting, were other parks may not be accessible to them.

That's right, with dozens of pugs let loose across the park, our so-called future won't have space to beat back their looming rotundity.  The only way to spare their waistlines is to hold up the entire park renovation.

Or, at least, that's the claim.

The appeal is willfully oblivious to the park's current popularity—as if blocking the renovation and a second “legal” off-leash dog area with it will magically disperse the hundreds of adultish people littered about daily.  But even so, no matter how wildly absurd the protest is, the city has to take it seriously.

“Unfortunately, right before the deadline, an appeal was filed of the Mitigated Negative Declaration for the Dolores Park project,” a legislative aide to Supervisor Wiener wrote Friday. “This triggers a hearing at the Planning Commission and could delay consideration of the project by the Recreation and Parks Commission.  A further appeal is then possible to the Board of Supervisors.”

What's even worse is this loner appellant could effectively derail the community-driven consensus redesign process; one that involved dozens—if not hundreds—of park users over the course of two years, specifically to avoid leaving anyone out.

“Did we not have an exhaustive community process to try and settle this? Now 'a concerned citizen' will hold up the much needed and truly vetted Dolores Park renovation,” Robert Burst, co-founder of Dolores Park Works, told us.

“This is not democracy, it's harassment.”

Below, the entirety of the appeal's text, for your amusement and grief:

[Photo by Niall Kennedy]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Playful Party Piano Passes Out in Dolores Park, Shitty Friends Leave It to Fend For Itself

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Piano and friends, in better times.

Dolores Park goers, have you no shame?  I understand it was Sunday morning and your weirdly old roommate that rudely hogs the common space wanted to tag along with you to the park.  And it was mighty nice of to lug his fat 400 pound wooden ass down the stoop and past the giggling bubble butts standing in line for Bi-Rite.  But just because he got all drunk and heavy was not an excuse to just abandon him in the company of DRUM CIRCLES.

Just look: here is your old pal, an entire day and a half later, getting finger-blasted by twittering strangers:

Bystanders turned a deaf ear to its plinks for help.

This is a low note for us all.

Anyway, I'm eagerly awaiting the Mission Local headline on this.  I'm imagining something along the lines of “Piano Assaulted in Dolores Park After Dark: Assailants Press Keys, Yet Victim Has Yet to Press Charges.”

[Photos by WBTC and Mike Abbott]

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