Someone—or something—in the vicinity of 22nd and Fair Oaks is still having wild and crazy “first contact” parties following the recent discovery of Kepler 22b. Which begs the question: what's a “first contact party” and where's my invite?

Also, your sleep-deprived neighbor doesn't give a shit about aliens, dude.

[Photo by Andy Brooks]

Gestalt's water-soaked pool table (GET IT? POOL TABLE) as seen late on Wednesday, November 30th, after a crazyperson pulled the fire alarm.

Known for its bike-friendly attitude and an extensive selection of German beer on tap, the Mission’s Gestalt Haus is a popular hub along 16th Street. The work of local artists decks the warm, red walls and a high-end sound system is often set at a low decibel, allowing conversations to unfold amid the clinking of liter mugs and the clacking of always-in-use pool cues.  

Such was the scene as midnight hit on a recent Tuesday: Patrons lined the bar, sausages sizzled, and an iPhone manned the deejay booth. Then, *bam* The vibe went from chill to shrill, shattered by the piercing shriek of the fire alarm and soaked with streams of water from the sprinkler system. As soggy drunks scrambled outside and SFFD sirens drew near, owner Dan Hawkins got the heads-up call. It’s one to which he has become rather accustomed; in fact, the exact same thing occurred a week prior, triggered by a false alarm set off on the building’s second floor. (The latest kerfuffle was brought to Gestalt by a waste-bin fire in the boiler room.) “This is the tenth time this has happened,” he tells me. “It’s those fucking crackheads again.”  

Hawkins is referring to city-supported inhabitants of the Sixteenth Street Hotel, which sits above Gestalt and does indeed house an array of mentally ill, alcohol-dependent and, yes, often crack-addicted tenants – courtesy of San Francisco’s Department of Human Services (DHS) and federal mandate. It is one of 50 single-room occupancy (SRO) hotels in the Mission District, which account for a significant portion of more than 3,500 “supportive housing” units throughout the city as part of the Newsom-era “Care Not Cash” program. One of the more controversial aspects of The Gav’s teetotaling local legacy, it cuts participants’ monthly welfare checks from $422 to $59 in exchange for providing shelter and other services.  

While the chronic Poors under city “Care” no longer have the cash for, say, a bottle of Newsom’s PlumpJack Cab’, the money saved ostensibly funds affordable-housing requirements. Critics, however, say the program’s success is essentially defined by the number of rooms available, not the ongoing stability of the Section-8 tenants therein or the improvement of their quality of life (from the lady taking her pants off in front of a crowded sidewalk cafe, to the dude raging on an unfortunate newspaper stand, tenants of these city-run SROs aren’t exactly under “managed care.”)

Firefighters outside of Gestalt, dealing with the aftermath caused by the errant fire alarms.

But he, like many of us, is pretty used to encountering crazy, sometimes cracked-out peeps shuffling along city streets (it’s part of San Francisco’s unique, urine-scented charm, no?) The regular triggering of his building’s fire alarm and sprinkler system during business hours, however, is another story. “Between all the water damage, replacing electronic equipment, furniture, and–mainly–the lost income from having to shut down and clean the place, it’s cost me tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket–easily,” he muses.  

But while the oft-beleaguered business owner can rather calmly tick off various incidents over the years (the drunk-in-an-overflowing-bathtub snafu that brought down half of Gestalt’s ceiling on Cinco de Mayo ’08, the dude who fell asleep with a cigarette in hand and ignited his bed, trash thrown from windows catastrophically clogging the rain gutter…), what actually gets a rise out of him is pondering tax dollars pissed away on the constant SFFD and EMT resources needed to quell his upstairs neighbor’s constant shenanigans: “It’s unreal. I see so much time and money and manpower wasted–and that’s just on this block. The sad thing is that a lot of this crap could be avoided if the city was actually doing its job and providing the proper resources for these people. It is bullshit, man; total bullshit.” 

As if on cue, our conversation is cut off by the siren of an approaching ambulance, and–I kid you not–it stops right in front of Gestalt. Hawkins stands up and looks at me knowingly. “I’m telling you, this shit was not in the brochure.” With a half-smile/half-grimace on his face, he shakes his head and starts to head back behind the bar. “You want a beer?”

The construction of the new skatepark slated to be build behind Zeitgeist at Duboce and Mission has been running a bit behind schedule this year, but things are finally starting to look up.  According to the SF Skateboarding Association, the Rec. & Park Department was “signing off on taking over maintenance responsibilities for the park” back in October, the air quality assessment is all wrapped up, and the request for proposals from construction companies is out.

Now, according to the SF Appeal, Tony Hawk is donating $10,000 to help fund the project later this afternoon:

Skateboarders in San Francisco wanting to be like Tony Hawk just got a boost from the skating legend himself—the city announced today that Hawk is giving a $10,000 grant to a new South of Market skate park.

The grant from the Tony Hawk Foundation is helping to fund the SOMA West Skate Park, located at Mission Street and Duboce Avenue, and improve other skate parks around the city, according to San Francisco's Recreation and Park Department.

They're now saying construction will start this spring and the park will be open come fall, and they're still going with that awful “SOMA West Skate Park” name (who even refers to that slice of The Mission as SOMA anyway?), but it looks as though things are actually happening.

As most anyone on the Mission coffeeshop circuit can tell you, Pro Grounds is pretty much the best place to overhear pure crazy while pretending to get work done in the entire 94110 zipcode (their berry buster smoothie is pretty good too).  And come January, you'll be able to enjoy the sights and sounds of 21st and Bryant while sucking back cheap beer and house wine.

According to the woman manning the counter yesterday afternoon, they're extending their hours until 9-10pm every night, helping fill that much-needed late-night caffeine/complimentary wifi void in the neighborhood.  Mind you, these things tend to (unexpectedly) take a while (The Roxie has been waiting to get beer since May), but, beer!