Whimsical Bullshit

San Francisco Music Video Death Match Week, Round 3: Huey Lewis And The News - I Want A New Drug

— By Zach Perkins |

As a kid born in the mid eighties, 90s music videos hold a very special place in my heart. But none of the San Francisco-centric videos we seen on Uptown this week can stand up to this juggernaut - Huey Lewis and the News' 1983 hit 'I Want a New Drug'. Otherwise known as “that song they ripped off in Ghostbusters”, the quasi-local Huey Lewis and the News produced a San Francisco-centric video that still resonates with the lives of many residents today.

Let's start at the beginning of the video. After a particularly rough Whiskey Wednesday that ended with the procurement of 1980s-caliber blow from a bartender at legendary SOMA hotspot Caribbean Zone, 'young' Huey (he was 34) wakes up disheveled and hungover in the middle of the afternoon. Huey dunks his head in ice water while repeatedly declaring his great need for a new, less adverse chemical substance. Not long after, he realizes that he's late for his own show, hops in his piece of shit vintage (even for then) Karmann Ghia, and speeds down Potrero Hill. This is where things in the narrative start making a lot less sense… 
 
Huey makes it to a ferry boat in the nick of time. He downs an entire box of alka seltzer, which is served to him by a bow tie wearing waiter cause fuck it it was the 80s and why the hell not have bottle service on a commuter ferry. Dude probably offered him blow too, but Huey is still hungover and, at least for the next 48 hours, is convinced that he needs a new drug. Rocking a bright ass red suit, Huey starts getting sideways glances from the cookie-cutter Patrick Bateman corporate stand-ins (aka: future fans) who are apparently also really late for work. It won't be until 1986 that Huey realizes it's hip to be square and tones down the colors of his wardrobe. 
 

PICTURED: Hypothermia and non-SAG/AFTRA day rates

 
At this point, it seems like the LA-based director of the music video becomes disappointed by the overall grey-ness of the Bay Area, and asks his location manager if there's any way they can “make the Bay look more like Santa Monica”. Their casting director obliges, and the Bay is then decorated with supermodel caliber girls in bikinis, 'sun bathing' on speed boats in 50 degree weather.
 
Once arriving at his destination (Oakland? Larkspur?), Huey boards a helicopter so that he can immediately fly back to San Francisco, the city that just came from in a pretty big hurry. Huey either literally had a 'new drug' waiting for him in Oakland that he desperately needed to pick up before his show, or his Groupon for a helicopter tour was set to expire that morning. 
 
The rest of the video is pretty standard stuff. Huey makes it to the gig; his Rick Rubin looking tour manager gets pissed that he's late; Huey crotch thrusts into the face of an improbably hot girl in the front row; three clones of Huey Lewis play saxophone together, and San Francisco pop culture history is made. 
 

PICTURED: Two Huey Lewis clones and KevMo on the right.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dancing Robot Has Better Dolores Park DJ Judgment Than Most Humans

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

When I first saw this Beat Robot, I feared he'd be yet another burnout blasting weird electropop dubstep skrill ex-girlfriend stuff.  Wrong!  Not only does he have a sterling finish, but this robot is programmed to listen to Cake! Fuck! I haven't listened to Fashion Nugget in forever.  I think I still have a tape of that pleasantly stupid album somewhere…

Anyway, this rad rockin' robot is both Twitter and Geocities-equiped, should you want to follow this young robot's journey through San Francisco.

Now, your Moment of Zen:

[Photo by Athlex]

Local Man Loses Bet

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I was at this house party yesterday afternoon and then, out of nowhere, this guy who didn't even appear to be on drugs put on that terrible Six Pence None The Richer song, ripped his shirt from his body, and began vandalizing his chest with the iconic statement “Free Hugz + Kizzez.”  After all that, he scandalously stripped down to his under trousers and began hugging every clothed person in sight.

But it gets better: after pressing his skin up against everyone, he sprawled out on a beach chair started gorging himself with cornsyrup logs while the crowd looked on unconcerned for the man's well-being.

Observe:

Now, I can't really imagine what would drive a man to publicly strip down to his undies and force feed himself Twinkies like he was making human foie gras, but it probably has something to do with “an exploration of our comforting indulgences” or “a dare from a friend” or “I was hot and hungry.”

Anyway, props to this guy, as he made performance art as sufferable as it gets.

Rock Bar Turns Our Disgusting Habits Into Beautiful Art

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Hopefully this is the last time I take close-up shots of stepped-on chewing gum.

Since there's nothing that compliments a pint like chewing on a fat wad of gum, it makes sense that the sidewalk outside of Rock Bar is littered with it.  But instead of letting their sidewalk be yet another grayscale leopard print glue trap, they've busted out the paintbrush and turned the minefield of Big League Chew into a bunch of germ-ridden gold nuggets!

Now, I'm sure they're not thinking that big or anything about a bunch of gum stomped into the sidewalk, but this definitely has the chance to become the Google Doodle of Mission bars.  Think of the painting opportunities:

  • Red, white, and blue gum on the 4th of July
  • Orange and black on Halloween/the playoffs
  • Red and green for Christmas
  • The rainbow for SF Pride
  • Green, white, and red for Cinco de Mayo
  • Bile for New Year's
  • Blood red for the week of Burning Man

Anyway, painted gum!

Good Dog of The Week: Larry the Long Dog

— By @BuffBro |

Welcome to Larry's world—we just live in it. Larry is a Dachshund. Larry is at the bar at Minx. Larry is wearing a neckerchief. And best of all? Positive attitude. Larry is a gentleman and I was glad to meet him.

Larry was up this week hanging out at Minx—an awesome bar in the Tenderloin, and one of my favorite in the city. If you'd like to check it out, go soon because Minx is getting shut down in the next 3 or 4 weeks because the Art Institute prudes got sick of their students showing up hungover in their 8am Sculpture and Modern Society class (4 credits). While this makes me barkin' mad, take the time this week and head up there. Tell Larry I said hi.

Another Reason to Stare Directly At The Sun Today

— By Erika Kali |

Apparently the Universe has been feeling neglected over the last 20 years, so it's decided to put on another show today with the Transit of Venus, less than a month after that crazy partial eclipse that everyone seemed so fond of on the internets. Here in San Francisco, between the hours of 3 - 9pm today, you'll be able to catch a glimpse Venus in the form of a tiny black dot — a dot you wont see again until 2117. 

Instead of burning your retinas in the name of science, make sure to pick up some special viewing devices outlined below, one of which is DEFINITELY NOT candy wrappers:

But no matter what, do not use “filters” such as smoked glass, stacked sunglasses, polarized filters, camera filters, candy wrappers, or compact discs. They might reduce the Sun’s glare, but enough harmful radiation can sneak through to damage your eyes. Only use materials specifically manufactured for safe solar viewing, or #14 arcwelders glasses

Judging from the amount of photos/Instagrams that came out of the patio area at Zeitgeist during the May 20th eclipse, it seems to be that this is the only legitimate spot to catch this astronomical phemonenom. So grab all of your cameras and welding glasses and head to the place where, the only time you're allowed to take photos, is apparently during weird Universe/end of days shit.

(For more info on the Transit of Venus, visit here and be amazed)

[Photo by Mollie C]

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