Whimsical Bullshit

Santa And The BART Card That Changed 'Everything'

Ever wonder what happened to the Christmas gifts of yore? The wooden train sets, Red Ryder BB guns, and dolls hand crafted with the care and love of 'Ol St. Nick'? Why did it seem, that in the later half of the 20th century, that Santa had just given up?… It's because he had. 

In the 1950s, with the rise of manufactured consumerism, mass-marketed toys with national ad campaigns, and TV and film toy tie-ins, Santa's small family run workshop was struggling stay afloat.  His interest in toy manufacturing and distribution had been waining for years, but according to a 2004 interview with the now ex-Mrs. Clause, “Everything changed in 1969”; Santa discovered acid and the 'hippie' movement.  After several years spent lost in the counter-culture movement and “going Kerouc on everyone's ass,” Santa finally settled down in a Mission District single resident occupancy 'hotel'. And he's been there ever since.

After 'the lost years' of 1969 to 1973, Santa emerged from his four year acid trip with a newly invigorated sense of purpose. “Fuck Middle American kids!”, Santa said when our reporters caught up with him over the weekend. “With their Chinese-produced and Walmart-sold plastic tripe! American brats don't appreciate shit that doesn't take batteries and charge you a subscription fee”.  With his new network of artisan craftsman and locally sourced toy manufacturing boutiques, Santa decided to try again, but this time on a smaller scale in his newfound community.  More importantly, his old methods of delivery seemed outdated, and with the rise of NORAD and the threats of foreign nuclear strike, it was now far too dangerous for him to take to the skies.  When BART opened to the public in November 1973, he had found his new sleigh. 

Concerned about the carbon foot print of his former reindeer colleagues and sleigh, Santa has turned to BART for his commute since its opening day. When we asked him about the difficulties of delivering toys to children outside of the greater Bay Area, Santa remarked that non-Bay Area children were a “bunch of assholes anyway.”  

Santa is currently in talks with SOMA start-up eCoal and former BDSM site NaughtyList.net to establish a network of distribution outside of the Bay Area.  When asked about the recent BART Police shootings, Santa refused to comment and ended the interiew, stating that he had a “#OpBART strategic planning meeting to get to”. 

[photo by Bhautik Joshi]

Zero Drugs Taken At Burning Man Due To Police Presence

Captain Steve Grabowski and Lieutenant Sarah Jones are up for promotion after leading a valiant police effort that has eliminated drug use at the event known as Burning Man.

Officers Grabowski and Jones receiving accolades for winning the War on Drugs at Burning Man.

Over 50,000 artists, musicians and others wishing to experiment with “radical self-expression” gather at Burning Man each year. The event is a haven for the strange and bizarre and is notorious for the use of drugs such as LSD-25, MDMA, and Cannabis.

Our mission here is not to stop young people from having a good time but to protect them from getting hurt.” Captain Grabowski places handcuffs on a young woman. She was found in possession of a drug testing kit, a tool used to determine what kind of drug a user has bought. “We are in the business of harm reduction,” says Grabowski.

Richard Thomas, an event attendee known as ‘The Postman’, regrets spending his summer building his sculpture ‘El Pulpo Mechanico’, a two story mechanical octopus that spouts fire from its arms.

Richard Thompson's 'El Pulpo Mechanico' which will not pay the pickle man.

It’s not like I can pay bills with a mechanical beast,” says Thomas. “I’m not going to send my three year old daughter to a state school just so I could blow some people’s minds. That’s just irresponsible.” Thomas has plans to open a chain of furniture stores.

Gabriella Martinez, Director of Admissions for UCSF, has seen the impact first hand. “We have had a 153% increase in enrollment for our MBA program while the Art department is struggling to fill enrollment for next year,” says Martinez. “We can’t thank the Nevada Highway Patrol enough.”

The next Burning Man will begin on October 1st, 2012. There are preliminary plans to change the venue to the Las Vegas Convention Center.

Eulogy for the Dolores Park Playground

The Fog Bender eulogized the Dolores Park Playground so perfectly that I feel compelled to do the unorthodox thing here and quote him, in full, so you don't lose anything:

they tore down the playground at Dolores park and i’m bummed about it.

this was the place i went to countless birthday parties in my youth.

the place i would take countless dates to drink and chat on the wooden structure under the stars.

the place i would count hundreds of football sized rats running from the bushes to the big wooden boat that sat beached in the sand.

this was the place i would run off to after getting too fucked up to hang out at the bar.

i would swing on the swing set by myself and sometimes meet other people doing the same thing.

one time i was swinging really high and at the highest point in my back swing the swing decided to break and i flew backwards all the way across the sand and landed on my stomach on the concrete part of the playground.  that will never happen again because they’re putting in a new playground made of plastic and rubber.  no more waking up with sand in my pockets.  no more scraped knees.  it’s kinda sad.

Let's just hope they don't do the same to Tallboy Terrace.

[The Fog Bender | Photo by Alison Zick]

What Happens When the Burning Man Crowd Goes to a Lake For the Weekend?

I know we all love to hate Burning Man, but between the sun, water, DIY waterslides, shark boats, romantic dinners on the lake, swing sets, and epic sunsets, it looks like Camp Tipsy is the place to be next summer.

[Check out all the photos by Chicken John]

Experiments in Poor Decisions: Passing a Cyclist a "Tomato Juice" Out of the Back of a Pickup Truck

Let's examine this tragedy a little closer:

Saturday morning was a glorious slice of the weekend, full of sunshine, eggs over easy, and far too many Pacificos with some of my closest hungover friends.  After a few minutes of pestering a friend following our early morning alcohol consumption, said friend agreed to take us the length of 24th to Dolores Park in the back of a beat up mid-90s pickup truck.  So armed with some “tomato juices” in to-go cups an area bar fixed for us, we were in the back of the truck and on our way.

While making our way down Valencia, we figured it would be kind and neighborly to dish out drinks to passing cyclists.  The handoff was perfect: a moderate approach to the back of the truck, an extended arm, a firm grab of the bottom of the cup, and the drink is onto the next one.

As the truck barreled down 19th towards the decadence of Dolores Park, the rider took a hearty swig from the juice, proving hangover elixirs and two wheels mix just fine.

But what happened next confounds even the most seasoned cyclists.  Perhaps too many hipster cliches at once threw off his balance because as the thirsty rider attempted to return his right hand to the handlebar, the bike leaned left, foreshadowing a sick biff with the tormented concrete below.

In a desperate attempt to save the beverage from the impending wreckage, the cyclist lunged the drink back towards the truck.  A Herculean effort, no doubt, but Starbucks cups are not known to survive the crushing force of failure.

And splash.

Wayfarer privileges revoked.

I Judge Your Crappy Restaurant By What Condiments You Provide Me

That's it, The Crepe House, I'm putting you on fucking notice.  I realize you're the Paris Hilton of French restaurants, but what the fuck is this shit?  Heinz Ketchup and Tabasco Pepper Sauce?  Are we not human?  Why must you treat your customers like dogs, feeding us the Alpo of seasonings?  Are we not worthy of hot sauce with roosters on the label or ketchup with flavor in the bottle?

Shit's about to get real in this lightly-air conditioned chain restaurant with complimentary WiFi.

Drunk Merrymakers Liberate Imprisoned Dolores Park Jungle Gym

Alex Chaffee was on the scene noting, “Some drunk people rolled the monkey bars down the hill, through the fence and into the street. Just another Friday night in Dolores Park!” and “[the] jungle gym is less fun on its side.” 

Looks like the renovation project is off to a fine start!

[pic by Alex Chaffee]