Whimsical Bullshit

Coitus Interruptus

— By Jenny Wilson |

View from the top of Coit Tower via William Hereford

Recently, my buddy Will posted the picture above on his blog. He took the photo last time he was in San Francisco on business from Brooklyn, and on his free time managed to venture all the way to the top of Coit Tower. Well, color me lazy because I've lived in SF and the Bay for around 20 years now and have never so much as looked up when I pass by Coit Tower. I guess it's just one of those tourist things that you think you'll get to someday, but really, you could actually care less to ever experience it. For example, when I lived in New York my friends would visit and would want to go to the Statue of Liberty all the time. If you've ever lived in NY, most would agree that venturing to the Statue of Liberty would be just as much torture as having to spend multiple hours in the Times Square M&M's store (my own personal hell). So, when friends would suggest that the Statue was something that they wanted to see, I simply would tell them that there are terrorists there, and if they wanted to see it they'd have to risk it by themselves. Once I took a friend on the Staten Island Ferry to see the Statue “from a safe distance,” but I digress. This post is about the Coit Tower.

After seeing Will's photograph, I totally have a new outlook on Coit Tower. First, it has sick-ass views and, after skimming its Wikipedia page, it has a pretty interesting history involving a cross-dressing, cigar-smoking woman amassing a fortune gambling around town.

I can't wait to put off visiting the tower for another few years.

The Apartment Beyond Dolores Park's Owl Window

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Up until today, I cannot say I ever really though anything of windows full of collectibles.  For example, I've always figured that maintaining “The Owl Window” on 18th and Dolores was merely a hobby of a creative individual.  However, SF Secrets takes us inside the apartment of George Heymont, also know as Mr. Owl Man of Dolores Park.  What's inside?  Walls of owls (of course), lots of photos of cocks, a poster from the “First Annual Hooker's Convention,” and some crazy stories surround sex, drugs, the eyes of owls, and people running naked across Dolores Street in fear.  While the tale doesn't end there, I don't want to spoil too much of the fun for you.

So, what's the person behind Valencia & 18th's “Troll Window” like?  Does their story involve prostitution, fetish porn, and maybe an unusual obsession with nocturnal creatures?  Also, is there some supernatural force on 18th that drives people to make art windows?

We all have so much to learn.

(SF Secrets)

Bad Movies Explained Via Donuts

— By Laura B |

Hello Everyone! Long time, no see. Well, don't get used to this pretty face because I'm just stopping by to deposit a fat load of holiday cheer all over your face. So, UA friend Ben Pearson writes awesome movie reviews over on Tiny Mix Tapes and he put together this great piece, “The Art of Watching Bad Movies” and it's fairly awesome and includes many rad drawings and charts as sampled here:

 

Go read it! And enjoy a terrible movie or seven over the holiday break. What doesn't kill you just makes you a worse person. 

xoxo

How Would YOU Personify San Francisco?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

There's a fairly interesting thread on reddit on how one could personify a city without using demographics based on John Berger's famous quote, “Rome is feminine. So is Odessa. London is a teenager, an urchin, and in this hasn’t changed since the time of Dickens. Paris, I believe, is a man in his twenties in love with an older woman.

As you could imagine, most of the personifications involve drinking problems, lousy fashion tastes, and pubic hair.  However, much like the city itself, San Francisco comes in and steals the show:

San Francisco is a twenty something guy with skinny jeans and an asymmetrical haircut. He likes to point out how he always has the best coffee, tea and weed, and only eats fair trade and humanely raised meat. Which is true, however his parents still pay the rent.

I read this hipster bashing and was all “lllaaaammmmmeeeeeeeeeee.”  And right before I dismissed this entire experiment, this guy saved the day:

San Francisco is a classy weathered beauty who likes to tempt the younger generation. You know her; the Mrs Robinson type who’s always having parties in her fabulously renovated Victorian and getting the local college kids drunk. When you knock she arrives at the door in an on-trend dress that’s not too flashy with a gong and two double-shots of vodka. “Guess which one’s good and it’s dirty martinis all night. Pick the shit vodka you’re stuck with it.” Then with a randy grin she whispers “Show me you know a good thing when you taste it.” You sip, distracted by her tits. (She noticed). One has the aroma of a plastic bottle, so you pick the other. She bangs the gong loudly. “Olshfski picked the Kauffman!” The party roars with drunken appreciation. For you, the party starts. For San Francisco, it’s just another Tuesday night.

Congratulations, good sir, you win a crappy photoshop of a San Francisco Potato Head.

What Do San Franciscans Want for Christmas?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

On Sanchez at 16th sits a household that is REALLY INTO CHRISTMAS.  Lots of decorations, a Christmas tree that people can leave ornaments on, and a garage door covered in paper for passersby to leave their wish list to Santa on.  So, what do San Franciscans want for Christmas?  Let's take a look:

A common theme was to ask Santa for political change, societal change, and peace and love and lolcats.  It is clear that SF has lost all faith in the political process and has been forced to turn to a deity for hope.  Our God wears red, eats cookies, and gets around in a sleigh not powered by fossil fuels.  Wish lists are the new form of prayer.  Lefty O'Doul's is our megachurch.  Folsom Street Fair is our Easter Mass.

As previously mentioned, San Franciscans cannot get enough of asking for things that are not gifts, but things that I remember the bougie girl from the 'burbs asking for while stuck waiting in line to ask for a copy of DOOM, a new Redline BMX bike, and to not get in trouble next time I burned an ant hill with a can of WD-40.

Anyway, Jim E. desires some credit for incorporating idealism with something tangible.

Here we see that people want Santa to buy them a subscription to Match.com and bus fare to the SFPCA.  Also, a revolution.

Don't confuse this one.  We're not a greedy people, we just went to college where we studied philosophy, minored in computer science, spent our time taking mescaline, having sex in the President's garden, and playing Maria Kart.  Instead of moving to New Hampshire after graduation, were there are no taxes and rent is a nickel, we moved to San Francisco, where rent is our salary, the sales tax borders on 10%, and fashionable tshirts cost $29.95.

Only our jolly red God can help us now.

This set of wish lists tells you a lot about San Francisco:

  1. The city has completely given up on the 49ers and are now pulling for other teams to win the Super Bowl.
  2. Our choice in lovers comes down to not how much money they make, rather what instrument they played in college.
  3. We're French-loving socialist scum.

Well, it does snow a lot in the North Pole (sorry).

If there is something this city wants most, it's probably sex with Christian figures in costumes.

Same as above.

Also of note, what is cut off on the right is “A BIG FAT…. ….BLUNT!”  I think the entrepreneurs out there can see a growing demand for a drug and cookie-based economy.

Finally, it wouldn't be a garage door in San Francisco without someone tagging over it.

Want to read the entire wall?  Full-size here.  Warning: it's a huge file.

Merry Christmas From Bender's Bar

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Bender's is once again giving away free Christmas cards to patrons so we can all buy beer instead of blowing forty bucks at Hallmark.  The selection is a little thinner than last year's, but I'm sure your grandparents will love these cards all the same.

Want to grab some?  Just look for this sign:

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