Romance & Sex

BEST FLYER (for a weekly party I never forsee myself attending) EVER!

— By Jane Parton |

OK, first off, don’t judge me for that gross chipped nail polish. We all have casualties involved due to our lifestyles, and this week, that’s been mine.

As far as the door hanger/flyer goes: BRILLIANT. This is so much more effective than the sock-on-doorknob method to inform roommates that you’re busy - as my friend Ryan would say - “beatin’ guts.” I live alone, and even so, I’m kind of tempted to hang it outside my front door, just so my across the hall neighbor knows that she’s not the only person who’s gettin’ some … except, for honesty’s sake, I’d have to cross out “call” on the flyer and write in “text.” Was that TMI?

Could Capp Street Get Pretty?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I know everyone is saying “no one gives a fuck about Capp St.”   But, besides being a street I live on and a major North/South bicycle freeway in the Mission, this could be a great step towards making more of SF’s side streets that already parallel more car-friendly streets into bike/people/resident/prostitute-friendly streets.  If this plan is implemented, you could have sex with your trick / smoke crack on my front porch, Alito park OR at the base of a palm tree.  Sweet!  Let’s make it happen!

More information on the Mission Streetscape plan’s website or go to the 18th street Women’s Building’s auditorium at 6pm on Wednesday to hear more about it.

 

7x7: "Achieving street cred is not the goal of a date" and "We're racists!"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This post about good and bad dates in 7x7's Bits + Bites slipped by me a few weeks ago but definitely deserves a look.

Bad First Dates:

El Farolito + Carlos’ Bar (Mission)

Achieving street cred is not the goal of a date. Burritos and a dive bar? Even a hipster should be ashamed.

I'm not sure a hipster should be ashamed, but the klanswoman that wrote this should be. First off, Farolito is a gift from the Gods themselves but obviously isn't a 7x7 reader's date spot (unless of course your date started at Mission Bar, you got faced and needed something to soak up all the liquor before you 'bump uglies' on your roommate's bed). It's fucking fast food. This choice took just about as much effort as saying “McDonald's and getting stabbed in Garfield Park” would be a bad first date. Even if you don't bleed out, you're probably going to have the shits for a month so, yeah, it's probably a crappy date. But what really gets me is pairing Carlos' to Farolito. To me, this whole choice is just shitting on Latinos. “Burritos and Tecates ewwwww lolroflmadingdongs who would do that?” A brown person you dumb bitch.

(link | photo by Troy Holden)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Thirteenth Step

— By Jane Parton |

 I guess “unabashed sex on the street” (albeit with use of a barrier method) comes after “spiritual awakening”?

Found on Haight & Central; most of the condom wrappers appeared to be empty! Pretty bad ass.

Does this mean I should take back all the insulting things I’ve said about Haight Street crusties, who I feel I can safely assume are responsible for this bit of sidewalk detritus? Sometimes when I get hassled by these kids I just can’t help telling them that if they need money they should go back to Danville and ask their parents … but hey, at least protection is coming into play here. Thank god for well-funded middle school sex ed in the public schools of affluent Bay Area suburbs!

Simple like a list of highly-emasculating objects and activities

— By Jane Parton |

Am I a terrible person for laughing at this?

Hippest Girl in Town - 28 (mission district)

Dear girl I follow on Facebook, 

I sometimes see you on the street, but I can’t really remember how or if we know each other so I don’t say “Hi”. Once we passed each other on the sidewalk—at least I think that was you— and you smiled when I smiled, but we kept walking. I’d like to say “You’re gorgeous” in some way that wouldn’t creep you out. Maybe if I mentioned that I don’t think we’d actually get along. You seem to be pretty into your looks and lifestyle, and I’m.. well I’m simple. “Simple” like pancakes simple. Simple like bike rides to the ocean, iced tea, solid colors, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and good old fashioned guy meets girl cutesy romance. That’s okay; you’ve got style and I admire it. I’m honestly not a creeper. I’m on too many social networks to be shady. I just wonder if maybe next time I see you it might be alright to holler at you. I’m usually rolling around looking for people I know, and I wouldn’t mind you being one of them. 


Posthumously 

Biggest Bike Nerd in Town

 

(Read it all here.)

 

I’m not sure why, out of all the tragic missed connections of the day, I’ve decided to make fun of this one in particular. I think I just automatically hate people who call themselves nerds; thanks to sarcasm, honestly not-creepers have finally found a way to be arrogant and self-deprecating at the same time. It figures that usually the people who call themselves nerds are “nerding out” over a socially acceptable cool-kid subculture, like track bikes or Italo Disco. These days, when people claim nerd-hood, I just take it to mean that they spend a lot more of their time trying to be cool than you or I do.

 

On top of all that, dude’s calling the girl vain (“you seem pretty into your looks and lifestyle”) while simultaneously trying to sell her on him by comparing himself to … pancakes. I hate on the guy, but clearly we all agree with this line of logic about how being on lots of social networks makes a person less shady. I mean, whoever heard of predatory, creepy people on the internet? Now, that’s just crazy talk.

Feeling bored? Judgmental? Perhaps somewhat drunk?

— By Jane Parton |

Recently my friend and I were watching TV at her house and discovered an entire section of Comcast On Demand under the Local tab called Dating on Demand, where personal ads are posted in video form! At the time, we were (for some utterly absurd reason) not interested in what the Kardashians or the Real Housewives of Orange County were getting into, so we ended up watching like eight or nine of these video personals back to back.

As far as context goes, individuals just answer questions like “What do you look for in a man/woman?” or “What was your most erotic experience?” The videos appear to have been shot on the back patio of the Holy Cow, which gives a basic idea of the types of people who are in these. One extremely coked-out guy claims to be “San Francisco’s most popular bar mitzvah DJ.” Another man describes his dream woman as having “eyes like Marisa Tomei.”

Clearly these are worth giving up a half hour of your life, and those of us who don’t have cable can watch the same videos online! Just search under San Francisco in the Profiles tab. You might just find the sweaty B&T middle-manager of your dreams … if you aren’t too busy inventing drinking games that involve doing shots each time someone says “journey,” “connection” or that a mundane activity is “one of” their “passions.”

"I pull out the iPad, and next thing I know, we're at the intersection of Dick & Face."

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Oh Craigslist:

I’m the guy with the iPad - m4w - 29 (mission district)

You might think I was crazy for spending several grand on a pre-production iPad from an ex-Apple employee. It is crazy. You might say it’s underpowered, crippled, overpriced, useless. I’m not going to argue that. I will tell you this: the iPad is getting me completely laid. All the time.

Just today, I was walking down Divisadero, and a lost looking girl stops me for directions. Let me check, I say, and I pull out the iPad, and next thing I know, we’re at the intersection of Dick & Face.

This was not an isolated incident.

The first occurrence was with this barista at the coffee shop I go to almost every morning. She’s never even said a complete sentence to me. But last Tuesday, while I’m waiting for my order, I take out the iPad to check my email, and silently curse it for being so big and inconvenient to carry around. Suddenly, she’s on my side of the counter, and 20 minutes later, we’re back at her apartment and her legs are spread so far apart that I think I can see home.

You have to understand, I’m not trying to brag. I’m not even sure I like the iPad.

Last Thursday, I was doing my laundry and brought the iPad along to entertain me. I was actually using it to watch “Triumph of Will” for my film class, and this is by no means a sexy or attractive film, but suddenly this girl with a sharp and efficient face, who a week ago would have been so far out of my league that it wouldn’t even be measured in leagues, this girl starts talking to me about the beauty of old movies, and I just nod and laugh nervously. The next morning I return to the laundromat for my clothes, and I’m holding my jeans up because she broke the button and the zipper.

Yesterday, I was walking around using the iPad to listen to music (because I cracked the screen on my iPhone, again) and lamenting how ridiculous this looked. There really is no way to carry it with dignity, and yet I witnessed no less than five car accidents. I don’t want to believe that I was the cause of these, but I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable with the iPad in public.

If you’ve seen me around with the iPad, I want you to know, before you approach me: I’m a really boring guy. I listen to podcasts about gaming, for shit’s sake. The last book I read was the Lord of the Rings movie novelization (because it was much shorter than the actual novels, and it had pictures from the film). I’m not very attractive, and sometimes I wear the same pants all week long. I eat food that falls on the floor. With a short description, I can give you the exact name of any episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I’m bad at both small talk and regular talk. I won’t call you because I hate talking on the phone.

Please remember this. I’m not worth it. I really need to get back to a normal life, and despite all its inconveniences, I’m almost starting to like the iPad. I really want to take it outside. But I can’t. I’m barely able to use it for more than two or three minutes at a time without interruption. I don’t want to relegate it to being something that I use strictly while sitting on the can.

Please understand.

Please.

Please.

Thank you.

(link - yes, I copied and pasted the entire.  FOR ARCHIVAL REASONS FUCK)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Great Deal on Total Scam!

— By Laura B |

Wow! A deal on a dating service! File this one under: this is one of the things that if i ever do it, you’re to take me to a field and shoot me!

Plus side: I’m always thinking how you can work these group deals and this one is tricky because it’s $99 BUT in addition to the dating advice (hehehehe), you supposedly get to go to one black tie event with an open bar during in it. Okay, well, you could show up dressed as Uncle Buck OR T. Pain AND/OR both and then down about ten drinks, eat all the snacks, and freak every person in the room. On the way out, get on a table and give a speech about how love is an illusion for the stupid and the weak and then simulate making sex to the table. When you’re invited to leave, make sure to steal a few bottles of booze and try to feel up as many people as possible on the way out. Call me from jail, I’ll come bail you out. For $99. SEE WHAT I DID THERE. KINDA. 

Best part of their site:

What qualifies me as a matchmaker?
I enjoy being around people and getting to know them. I make friends easily and i have a natural ability to put people at ease. Thats why I have my glass boutique! I have excellent people skills, i listen well, I’m sincere and hard working. I have had my share of dating and also was in Reality Show for dating.

I totally trust these people. 

[From Ed! Who notes that in the cartoon, the lady is thinking about a heart and the dude is thinking about boobs! THAT IS SO LIKE A WOMAN/MAN!!]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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