"I pull out the iPad, and next thing I know, we're at the intersection of Dick & Face."

Oh Craigslist:

I’m the guy with the iPad - m4w - 29 (mission district)

You might think I was crazy for spending several grand on a pre-production iPad from an ex-Apple employee. It is crazy. You might say it’s underpowered, crippled, overpriced, useless. I’m not going to argue that. I will tell you this: the iPad is getting me completely laid. All the time.

Just today, I was walking down Divisadero, and a lost looking girl stops me for directions. Let me check, I say, and I pull out the iPad, and next thing I know, we’re at the intersection of Dick & Face.

This was not an isolated incident.

The first occurrence was with this barista at the coffee shop I go to almost every morning. She’s never even said a complete sentence to me. But last Tuesday, while I’m waiting for my order, I take out the iPad to check my email, and silently curse it for being so big and inconvenient to carry around. Suddenly, she’s on my side of the counter, and 20 minutes later, we’re back at her apartment and her legs are spread so far apart that I think I can see home.

You have to understand, I’m not trying to brag. I’m not even sure I like the iPad.

Last Thursday, I was doing my laundry and brought the iPad along to entertain me. I was actually using it to watch “Triumph of Will” for my film class, and this is by no means a sexy or attractive film, but suddenly this girl with a sharp and efficient face, who a week ago would have been so far out of my league that it wouldn’t even be measured in leagues, this girl starts talking to me about the beauty of old movies, and I just nod and laugh nervously. The next morning I return to the laundromat for my clothes, and I’m holding my jeans up because she broke the button and the zipper.

Yesterday, I was walking around using the iPad to listen to music (because I cracked the screen on my iPhone, again) and lamenting how ridiculous this looked. There really is no way to carry it with dignity, and yet I witnessed no less than five car accidents. I don’t want to believe that I was the cause of these, but I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable with the iPad in public.

If you’ve seen me around with the iPad, I want you to know, before you approach me: I’m a really boring guy. I listen to podcasts about gaming, for shit’s sake. The last book I read was the Lord of the Rings movie novelization (because it was much shorter than the actual novels, and it had pictures from the film). I’m not very attractive, and sometimes I wear the same pants all week long. I eat food that falls on the floor. With a short description, I can give you the exact name of any episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I’m bad at both small talk and regular talk. I won’t call you because I hate talking on the phone.

Please remember this. I’m not worth it. I really need to get back to a normal life, and despite all its inconveniences, I’m almost starting to like the iPad. I really want to take it outside. But I can’t. I’m barely able to use it for more than two or three minutes at a time without interruption. I don’t want to relegate it to being something that I use strictly while sitting on the can.

Please understand.

Please.

Please.

Thank you.

(link - yes, I copied and pasted the entire.  FOR ARCHIVAL REASONS FUCK)

Comments (5)

holy shit, the ipad is the new “running a blog in SF.”

Yes.

But it’s fuck’n goofy. Just goofy. The writer is about as goofy as that coke for hipster underwear dude.

I listen to podcasts about gaming, for shit’s sake… sometimes I wear the same pants all week long. I eat food that falls on the floor. With a short description, I can give you the exact name of any episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I’m bad at both small talk and regular talk. I won’t call you because I hate talking on the phone.

Oh jesus. That is an uncanny description of my boyfriend.

your boyfriend is totally bangin bitches with his iPad.

dudes too!