Considering that I spend most of my Valentine’s Days with a fifth of Jack and a hangover, I wouldn’t label myself as an authority on romance.  That said, there was a pair of furries getting hitched in Dolores Park yesterday and it was the most goddamn romantic thing I’ve ever seen while holding 24 ounces of Budweiser.  It went something like this: there was a bunch of people dressed as chickens, bunnies, a rabbi, a dude in a wedding dress, devils, and human beings standing around until a panda was led into the park while a dinosaur wielding a bullhorn followed.  Whatever, just another day in Dolores Park.  Next thing I know they are standing on the median on Dolores, the rabbi says some words, then the bride tackles the pandas and they start rolling around the grass kissing.  Traditional marriage.

Got an email from Allan:

I want to know what the Uptown Almanac has to say about THIS:

Here’s the thing: this video is so laced with sexuality, Lady Gaga impersonators, and 80’s pornography-film music that it is very hard for a mere mortal to evaluate.  Thankfully, I majored in alcohol consumption and premarital sex in college, so I’ll give this a once over.

Truthfully, I don’t know immediately what brand of journey I am about to embark on.  The opening features dogs barking, shaky camera work, and some tranny running through the woods.  Zombie films are pretty hot these days and the fact I am watching one on Vimeo will less than 300 views made me feel bleeding edge until…

…some relatively ‘cool music’ begins playing and a fairly faggy (no no, it’s okay.  I live in San Francisco.  It’s my word too) child actor comes crawling through the thicket to ‘take his hipster princess.’  Now it’s becoming evident that I’m about to experience a “bold experiment in art bridging the mediums of fashion, music, film, and expensive catering.”

As previously mentioned, Lady Gaga smokes some crack rocks and joins the cast.

The video then proceeds to give us a gratuitous shot of an aardvark tattoo, leaving the audience to ponder “What’s below of that tramp stamp?”  The answer, unbeknownst to most, is scabies.

Suddenly, a second man joins the cast and there is mad cantaloupe on the scene.  Also, this chick had a period all over her own face, which pretty much indicates she can contort her body in wonderful ways and make getting the clap into an “alright” experience.

At this point, I’m starting to shed the hate and get impressed.  Last time I was dry humping an ambiguously-gendered person and I got a little hungry, I ate a couple of double-stuffed Oreos and had some flat grape soda.  But Christ, this is an orgy of fruit and animal carcasses.  Go on…

Now people are finger-fucking the food.  I know very little about the female anatomy because I figure if “bitch gets pregnant, I always have a can of Raid and a baseball bat.”  But I’m reminded of what the great philosopher Snoop Doggy Dogg had to say about intercourse: “used to be up in them guts like everyday.”  Based on this astute analysis of the female genitalia, one can only assume that this is a metaphor for the 48 seconds of intercourse they are about to have.

Abruptly the journey has concluded with some shots of unwieldy fingernails.  We witnessed no penetration and I am left with a penis ascending into my lower abdomen in fear.

Ordinarily, this is where one would compose a synopsis of what just occurred, but I would prefer to leave you with this: “Filmed in London and Los Angeles.”  lol wut?

In the worlds of late, great ODB, “sexy, sexy, sexy.” Also, PUKE. Also, to each their own so ORDER AWAY, PERVS! I can’t wait until some “creative” freak makes reusable diapers out of this stuff WHAT YOU KNOW IT’S GONNA HAPPEN. 

Came from local sexleb, Violet Blue (via Eve Batey!), so it’s okay for UA. Like i needed to explain that seeing as it’s basically martial law over here.