Romance & Sex

San Francisco Mission Style Cal-Mex

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

My buddy Lander chased tail all the way to NYC and spotted this upper west side.  Beyond the obvious question of “what the fuck is cal-mex?,” I really feel like “mission style” is more of a raunchy ‘hyper-local’ sex position than brand o’ burrito.  Usually this the point of the blog post where I attempt to define said position, but considering if I was taken hostage for all the state secrets I know and my captors pulled off all my fingers to torture me, I could still count the number of times I’ve had sex in the Mission on one hand, I probably am not the most qualified to do such a thing.  Maybe it’s getting thrown up against the bathroom wall at Farolito by some drunk vegan girl wearing bright yellow lycra tights?  Or maybe doing the “Donald Hump” in the Mission Police Station bathroom while listening to I Want Pussy by Ol’ Dirty Bastard over your crappy iPhone speakers?

Someone fill me in.

What'd This Poor Fucking Bear Ever Do to You?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Corinna sent this my way yesterday with no explanation or anything.  NADA.  So, I started digging through the UA archives to make sure I didn’t equate women to Pol Pot when I stumbled across this: @mike_ftw giving this pleasantly welcoming paper bear a goddamn rimjob.  Okay, just another meme-in-progress.  No worries there.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure bears cannot be sexist.  Don’t think they have the mental faculties to be haters.  Pretty certain bears just eat trash, nap a lot, and occasionally make babies.  Sounds like college.

I'm Never Having Babies, Part 52

— By Laura B |

I spotted this ensem in a baby store on Valencia and I call it, “MY VAGINA/SPIRIT IS BROKEN AND I CAN’T HAVE SEX AGAIN SO WHY NOT?” Alternately, “Two for the Road!” Or optionally, “3.5% of Heterosexual Men are Saving This Image For Later.” I could go on and on and on. 

I’m sorry, what exactly is being advertised here? The duel-action breast pump (ugh) or the totally inappropriate dress? What is it about maternity that brings out the no shame factor? It’s like all of a sudden these ladies think they can whip this shiz out in public and we’re all supposed to be like, “Oh the miracle of birth, so special.” This should be used in an abstinence campaign because congratulations, I’M NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN. 

All I’m saying is, if there was a God, he would have taken my uterus/eyes by now because I can’t deal with this. 

(p.s. i wish i could say the best thing about this photo is the ghost on the mannequin’s crotch but really that’s just my boyfriend being appalled!)

San Francisco: Get an HIV Test While Shopping for High-Waisted Jeans That Your Mother Owned

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I had one of those “fuck you, there’s no way they sell coffins at Costco” moments yesterday when my roommate told me you can get a 20-minute HIV test at Out of the Closet thrift stores.  Well, turns out he wasn’t lying (although it is only available at the Polk St. store).  Fuck ya, San Francisco.

(pic by GraeArea)

Meanwhile, in Mountain View...

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

From Isaias:

“WTF? Outside my work.”

That’s right.  It says: Car #69 Erotic Enforcement / District 666 / Department of Deviant Discipline

I’d also like to point out to the owner of this Crown Vic that this was a totally wasted opportunity for a vanity license plate.  Preferably one with “<3” in it.

Ladies, heed the advice of The Dude Whisperer! Or don't! Fuck your petty ass problems!

— By Laura B |

My current favorite bay area blog (besides yours) is The Dude Whisperer. Not only does this fool know what the fuck he’s talking about, he’s also very funny and dreamy GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT A MARRIED MAN LIKE THAT LAURA. I was reading some older entries when I stumbled upon this gem about the guy with the too long schlong (or is it that his ladies vagina is tiny like pencil sharpener?). Delightful. I strongly suggest you send him a question and if you do, let me know b/c I totally want to make fun of you on this blog I mean report it tastefully. 

The DW also just posted this classy pic from AwkwardFamilyPhotos on his Facebook page. The only thing that would make it better is if the family were super fat. Everything is better when fat people are involved. 

Dick Chicken Hits Pop's

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Dunno, guess the Dick Chicken graf meme isn’t over yet (although this particular one looks like it has been around for a while).  Really though, who the hell wants to look at chickens with dicks in bars when you could just look at dick?  Straight up.

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