Romance & Sex

Undesirable Evicted From Dolores Park By Other Undesirables

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Reader Rob Gray emailed in about an altercation yesterday in The Park:

there was this group of punk kids in the park getting fucking wasted while memorializing a broken skateboard. dudes were straight creeping on every girl that walked by yelling shit like “shake that ass!” and “come over here gurrll.” at one point, one of the dudes barrel-rolled down the hill and planted his face right on some girls lap saying “oh heyyyyy” like he was Barry White. you know, classy dudes.

well, you know that creepy dude that always hangs out under a blanket on tallboy terrace? suddenly, one of the punk dudes got all self-righteous and started yelling at him.  “Get the fuck outta here!”  “you better be gone by the time this cigarette is done!” so blanket dude left and the guy started putting a lighter to his blanket saying “we're going to burn his shit.” Then blanket guy came back 5 minutes later and start jacking off under his blanket again. so the punk dude pulls the blanket off the guy, who yelled “leave me alone, I just uncovered myself.”  who know wtf that meant. anyway, you could see it was a growing altercation. the one dude leading the crusade against blanket starts screaming “fuck this dude, i saw him looking at girls and jerking off the other day” and his buddy yelled back “you better not let him touch you, he was just jacking off!” so then blanket dude touches one of the punks, who then flips out and squares off to hit the dude.  Blanket snaps and starts yelling “I'm military police, leave me the fuck alone.” punk dude takes a giant swing, blanket ducks so the punk totally misses. the kid was completely mystified that he missed and kinda backed off as blanket started to leave the park. so the punk's friend yells “oh fuck that,” pushes his friend out of the way and clocks the blanket dude straight in the face. guy was bleeding pretty bad… face totally split open. all the punks were totally pleased with themselves, yelled at the guy “fuck you dude, take your jacking off bullshit to Valencia.”

after congratulating each other, they walked around from group to group bragging about it, hitting on girls, and soliciting props, as if they deserved some Dolores Park medal. just another day in the park…

This fight raises a bunch of questions, but most importantly, why is Valencia jacking-off safe zone?

Steve Jobs Spotted Touring the Kink.com Armory

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Last night, we were unfortunate enough to run into Apple's CEO Steve Jobs while getting a tour of the Kink.com Armory. Despite looking a little frail, Steve seemed genuinely excited to be there and was particularly interested in the prop room.

However, the entire tour was made awkward and uncomfortable by Steve's presence.  At every turn, he gushed over Kink.com and their dungeon of devices. While examining the mechanical sex machines, he could be overheard mumbling that it would be “interesting to integrate this technology into the next iPhone.”  Walking through the sets, he babbled about wanting to inspire lust in his customers just like Kink does.  “I want people to literally orgasm while holding the iPad 3.  Are you getting it?”  At one point, a couple on the tour feigned a sudden attack of food poisoning and made an early exit, but Steve pressed on.  “If we could capture this kind of passion in the next OS, we'd experience full market penetration.”

After the tour, we caught up with Steve and asked him why he was so fascinated by Kink and the 97-year-old Armory: “For years, Apple's slogan was 'think different,' and I cannot think of a company that thinks more differently than Kink.com.”

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Big Dicks Not Limited to the Marina: SF's Full of 'em

— By Jenny Wilson |

via Condomania

According to a recently published study by Condomania.com, San Franciscan men rank 8th in the country in the largest database of penis sizes on the planet.  Condomania.com confirms what us San Franciscans alsways knew: LA has smaller dicks and bigger egos, New Orleans aint called the “Big Easy” for nothin', and D.C. has boosted its penis sized ranking to #2 since Bush left the White House and Obama stepped into office.

Other interesting facts published by Condomania:

  • Top Ranking State by Average Penis Size: New Hampshire
  • Lowest Ranking State by Average Penis Size: Wyoming
  • Top Ranking U.S. City by Average Penis Size: New Orleans
  • Second Highest Ranking City (Just behind N.O.): Washington, D.C.
  • Lowest Ranking City by Average Penis Size: Dallas/Ft. Worth
  • Blue States vs. Red States: Blue States' Average Penis Size is Bigger!

Formerly the largest survey of male penis size in the U.S. was performed by Kinsey researchers way back in 1948, so Condomania's 10x larger updated database finally gives us a more accurate look at the dicks we're dealing with.

[via LAist]

Need Some Love Advice?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

My general opinion is that if you're getting your love advice from Twitter, you're doing it wrong.  I mean, will 140 characters of advice really help you win over the girl across the bar that you've had your half-open eyes locked on all evening?  Probably not.  That said, the kids behind Mission Love Advice seem to know what's up.

Sex as a Competition is Not Sexy

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A few people out there noticed the irony in Kink.com offering discounted Armory tours on International Women's Day because, you know, nothing says “yay women!” like a romantic stroll for two around a BDSM sex dungeon.  However, having never been to The Armory or watched their flicks, I could only really guess as to what went on there.  Lucky for me and my feminist feathers that need ruffling, Salon's Tracy Clark-Flory spent last Friday watching Kink's live porno wrestling event, Ultimate Surrender [NSFW]:

Once a month, fans gather for Ultimate Surrender at the [Kink.com] porn palace and watch women tussle in the nude with the ultimate aim of “sexual humiliation.” (There's another series with just men called Naked Kombat.) This is not jello wrestling: Fingers are stuck in orifices, breasts are groped, faces are sat on and cheeks are licked — all for “style points.” The final round culminates with rough group sex — although it is tame compared to the “device bondage” and “slave training” that Kink.com is known for. The wrestling venue looks like a normal gymnasium — padded floor, bleachers, a scoreboard — save for the elevated platform for a cameraman and a large flat-screen TV showing what the Web audience is seeing as the event streams live. The bleachers are packed and fans are sitting on the floor around the ring, taking up every available space.

The crowd is scattered with faces I recognize from the neighborhood — the white-blond hipster girl from my local gourmet pizzeria — and mixed groups of 20- and 30-somethings sipping tall cans of PBR in paper bags. Not to sound like a prude but: These are clean, attractive, normal-looking people! One woman is wearing a sheer black shirt under which her nipples are plainly visible, but she seems more out of place than I do in my jeans, T-shirt and sneakers. There are two refs: one fully clothed, mic'd up and controlling the scoreboard; the other a porn star wearing booty shorts and breasts bursting out of her striped top. The four wrestlers come out wearing string bikinis and black sneakers. They start with an arm wrestling match: Two girls get down on their hands and knees, backs arched, butts wagging in air. There is a scattering of cheers and claps as they clash, but for the most part, the audience is sedate. People are chatting to their friends, taking swigs of beer, laughing at the absurdity of the scene.

While the scene Tracy sets up sounds like a laughable “Oh, Mission kids…” scenario, it's anything but.  Clothing is torn off with teeth.  Wrestlers grapple each other, hopping to leverage a good position; not for a pin, but to gain points through finger-banging and grabbing breasts.  “Two fingers in the pussy!,” the ref yells while tapping on an iPhone to track the score.  When someone orgasms, victory music is played (hopefully not Duran Duran's Hungry Like The Wolf) and the competitors leave the ring.

The Salon piece heavily pushes the tone that Ultimate Surrender is an ugly, violent, unfeminine display.  Having never seen it for myself, I'll leave the judgment up to Tracy, but it sure does sound like a classy occasion.

[Salon]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Make Cupcakes, Not Babies!

— By Laura B |

By now, most people have heard about the U.S. House of Representatives voting to bar Planned Parenthood health centers from all federal funding for birth control, cancer screenings, HIV testing, and other lifesaving care. Well, a lot of people think that's bullshit and we're dealing with our frustration and anger and rage in the only way we know how: EATING! LADIES AM I RIGHT? Enter: Cupcakes for Choice!

Cupcakes for Choice is an awareness and funds raising event for Planned Parenthood. We'll sell cupcakes (or any baked good deliciousness volunteers make/bring!), distribute literature/collect signatures, and raise hell via sweet treat activism. Let's get fat for women's rights! 

You can RSVP on the Facebook page, and if you want to bake or volunteer, email Robin. Or just come to the event! For which the details are below! Handy!

Cupcakes for Choice will be in front of Mission Bicycle at 766 Valencia on Sunday, March 6th, from 12 p.m. to 4 p.m.

So, What Happens When You Go To The SF Mixtape Society?

— By Jon Skulski |

It’s a rainy day. Heavy and gray. There’s the Mixtape Society today. You had fun at the last one. You don’t feel like going today, though. You go anyway.

Then, you bundle up like a puddleduck. You walk, smoking wet cigarettes, towards the Makeout Room. It’s quiet but cars slosh through the streets. Doppler effect. Low to high to low pitched sloshing.

Then, you walk into the bar and take off your hood. It’s dark inside the bar. It's bright outside.

Then, you order a beer. You talk to the other people. They don't have beers. You finish yours and order another. You start to smile a lot.

Then, you play kind of a Secret Santa where everyone swaps tapes. You’re called to the stage. You stand in front of everyone. You feel awkward. You give your CD/tape to someone else. Then someone comes and gives you a tape. Everyone swaps emotions.

Then, you meet a cute girl. You ask her about the tape she got. You think it is going well. You say something strange. She goes home. You won’t see her again. You see a friend you don't see very often. You think it's nice to see her. The room clears out. The event's over.

Then, a music nerd from Berkeley shows up late. He is really disappointed that he missed it. You feel bad for him. You trade him your mixtape you received for his so he can still play. You make him promise to come earlier next time.

Then, weeks later you remember you have a tape and listen to it at a dinner party. It’s really good.

The San Francisco Mixtape Society is having their fifth event this Sunday the 20th at the Makeout Room. It starts at 4pm. Bring a mixtape or CD, get a day buzz and debate the various merits of Jeff Mangum with other music snobs.

Heart-Shaped Balloon Kite Flies Over Dolores

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Sure, this homemade balloon-kite was a nice way to remind us that it's actually Valentine's Day Weekend and not the middle of Summer, but the best part about it was that it was almost as fun to watch as shape-shifting clouds.  First it was a heart, then a pair of safety scissors (pictured).  Parralleling Dolores St, it looked like a giant hawk swooping in to kill us all.  But eventually it lost a few balloons in the in the upper-left making it a broken heart, at which point the person holding the string gave up and let it fly off into the Bay.

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