Romance & Sex

Lonely Mission Hipsters Flood OkCupid Longing For Thanksgiving Love

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

An anonymous reader sent this screenshot Thanksgiving night, noting “my inbox has been blowing up with okcupid messages from girls with neck tattoos and pop's bar trash alllll day. I guess people are bored at home or just hella randy from fisting birds all day?”

Oh golly.

But we get it—the holidays are rough on us single folk. Parents nag you about producing a grandchild that they know ain't coming anytime soon, your wifed-up friends get even more couply, and instead of going home with your significant other after the company holiday party, you end up explaining to your boss that the xerox machine is in urgent need of repair and you'll be finding a new, awkward route to your desk for the next few weeks.

So here's to you, lovelorn boys and girls.  May your Christmas be filled with disappointing first dates and creepy internet stalkers.

(Also, please excuse our tardiness in reporting this holiday news—a busy weekend schedule of drinking beer and eating soggy potatoes means we're only just now reading our email.)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

SantaCon Turns Hella Gross

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I'm a huge proponent of getting drunk, naked, and doing things you'll most certainly regret, but the turn SantaCon is taking for 2011 is fucking frightening:

On December 10th, during Santacon San Francisco, we're all going to establish a WORLD RECORD for the LARGEST GATHERING OF NAKED SANTAS!

Yes, you heard that right, Naked Santas!

San Francisco has a long tradition of people being naked in public. Heck, it's almost required when we have a large group of people get together in our fair city…

So, since Santacon will again be a HUGE gathering of Santas and San Francisco damn well better be the BEST at EVERYTHING, then let's do this!

If you desire to see a bunch of floppy Santa sack on a cold Saturday morning, you know what to do.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Tenderloin Catcalls Presented on a Harmless, Non-Threatening Medium

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Speaking of unwanted attention, sometimes sexual harassment is funny! (Sometimes, almost never, maybe if it's a movie starring Charlie Day).  Someone is out there chronicling the sexual advances of the Tenderloin's crackhead nobility and, if you do a good job visualizing the charmed and beautiful faces making the comments, it's pretty fucking funny. [@TLcatcalls]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Classy Gent Catcalls Women As They Pee on Dolores Park's J Tracks

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Jake Swearingen (not pictured) tells us all about it:

This guy was posted up and drinking silver cans of what looked like Coors, telling girls where to pee (like, “Here, this bush!”) and saying something in Spanish.  There were a couple other guys, but I didn't want to walk through all the urine to get more pics of the crowd of watchers.

I suppose when you pee in public, you should expect such things, but wweeiirrdd.

[Pic and title inspiration by Jake Swearingen]

I Cannot Imagine This Mural Was Knowingly Approved By Anyone at City Hall

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

There's a new mural in progress by the Dolores Park footbridge with subject matter breaking new ground in the world of San Francisco murals: busty worms, dead smiley faces, and a penis smoking a joint.  Either this is one of the most elaborate pieces of graffiti I've seen in the park, or someone pulled one over on the Department of Rec. and Park and got a this phallic trip approved.  Regardless, I'm sure we can look forward to some neighborhood rage aimed at getting this removed.

Relax, and let the machines do the MILF hunting for you

— By Alan Fineberg |

Here's an (admittedly old) lesson in adding robo-insult to injury:

The MilfHunt twitter bot has no concept for what a MILF may be. The concepts of politeness and consideration are vacant from its instructions. The MilfHunt bot knows only to seek tweets containing “MILF” and retweet these tweets.

Likewise, the bicyclist cares little for politeness or consideration. The bicyclist knows only to identify and declare that which it considers a MILF while riding its fixie about.

The bicyclist and the MilfHunt bot are isomorphs (defined differently, but identical in underlying structure). One is flesh and blood, the other is a set of instructions and signals. A property of isomorphs is that each one can perform the same function as its other isomorphs.

The MilfHunt bot may well have been invented by a MILF-hunting “hipster with a fixie” living in San Francisco.

Which do you think will become obselete first?

 

 

 

[thanks Z for the tweet!]

The Single Life is a Perpetual Struggle Between Choosing Taco Bell or Sushi For Dinner

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Of all my favorite writers on Tumblr, HONEY IN YR BRAIN is near the top of my list right now, as she has a keen perspective on SF culture and we share a love for run-on sentences.  Her latest bit tackles two of my favorite subjects: the single life and Mexican fast food:

Single life to me right now is like walking by Taco Bell and seeing a giant picture of a chalupa and realizing you hadn’t had one of those for awhile and then wanting it really bad but you have to remind yourself that you are on your way to a sushi dinner or something better than a chalupa (in theory) and even though you have to wait for your order and all that restaurant bullshit it might be more satisfying than the chalupa…..maybe……I don’t know you might leave hungry in the end anyway. I mean, it is sushi.

Can't help but agree there.  It's great to hold out for something good, but patience is a virtue of the boring and sometimes it's easier to just chase after something simple, even if you wake up in the morning with an inexplicable case of the clap merely from eating an Americanized tostada.

[Tumblr | Photo by Tim Sussman]

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